Today Is A Big Day 3/13/21

      Today is special. 

      It is the 10th anniversary when this place opened.  Thank you for popping in, joining the innkeeper as we cele-brate this milestone.  So many things have happened during this time. 

      I'm older.  Hopefully wiser.  Tend-ing this place stretches me.  

      I've grown in expressing my

Out of the Hamster Wheel, Into God's Hands 8/19/13 (449)

       Good evening everyone,

My Gratitudes: 

1. This evening, I slowed down.  Nurturing ourselves, is critical.  Doing nothing is a virtue, not a fault.  If not careful, redlining our lives destroys our serenity; living in a hamster wheel gets us nowhere but out of touch with ourselves.  When assaulted by a multitude of distractions, demanding our attention, our feelings lose out.

Expressing Our Voice: A Great Antidote for Depression, Revisited............... ...................7/9/13

Image: "Scotland: Ben Nevis With His Hat On"

       I wrote to a friend I've known since twelve.  A disap-pointment needed processing.  Expres-sing our concerns is the best approach.

      Non-violent communication (NVC) helps. We get better results when expressing needs without using Life Alienating Communication. For more about this subject, you can read here.

       Its five forms are blame, shame, fear, guilt, or judgment.  Rela-tionships improve when using NVC.

      The letter worked: my friend responded to my needs.  I strongly expressed what disturbed me and what I wanted in our relationship.

      Our life improves, when we take care of the needs beneath what troubles us.  It involves standing in our power, recovery and integrity.  You can read here (the second half of this post), for addition-al thoughts.  

      We needn't be stuck or panic when life presents unwanted circumstances.

      It's our responsibility, handling life's disappointments.  Resentment builds if we expect others to rescue us. 

      A child, we are not. Responsibility for effecting outcomes we want is ours.  We are the only per-son on earth who can make our needs our number one responsibility.  (Courage to Change, p. 229)

     One key point: it helps seeking God's will, along with asking Him for the power to carry it out. This is applying Step 11 in recovery.  If things don't go our way, we don't sulk.

  We trust life's out-comes after our best ef-forts at following His will.

     Asking God to do what we want is asking him to perform our will, not His.  In Twelve Step recovery work, making a decision to turn our life over to the God of our understanding is the Third Step.  It grants us serenity.  

     We will be happier campers.  A crucial point: if I'm disturbed by a person or circumstance, I haven't turned that person or situation over to God.  I'm still at square one, Step One, in recovery speak.

     We'll be encouraged, seeing new legacies rooting in our lives, the result of exercising constructive actions.  Expressing our needs, while also being respectful towards others is a difficult characterological skill.  It is a skill not taught to us as kids.   

     It isn't our family's fault, alone, this inability to express our values and needs while simultaneously being kind and courteous.  Churches and schools contributed to our social ineptness, as kids.

Unhealthy Principles Often Taught in Childhood:

1. We are to unquestioningly obey others.

2. Expressing our opinion is not allowed. 

3. To not speak, unless spoken to versus being respected for what we have to say. 

4. Others know our needs better than we do.  We are to trust and defer to the opinion of others, even if we ar uncomfortable or disagree with the views presented.

              a.  This is the beginning of being externally referented.

5. Ignore our feelings. Comply, even if it doesn't feel right, because we should.

6. Disagreeing, is disrespectful. This is especially if the other person is an authority figure.

7. Passivity is encouraged.

     Often we are coerced as children to open our minds. Allowing values to be poured into our minds.  They are not to be challenged.  This was being a good child, student and parishoner.  There was a small problem. We are individuals.  

     The above listed values are unpalatable, now and back then.  Holding onto our dignity and self-esteem, by swimming against the current of childhood authority figures, was courting punishment and shame while growing up.  As a result, we face disappointment, the crushing of our spirit.   

     The values listed above make us timid, not a driven or confident person.  Defiance towards authority figures subjected to shame, punishment and ridicule.  Our independent self is tamed, squelched.

     We want to live in relationships where we enjoy reciprocity, mutuality and independence.  Being respectful while maintaining our individuality allows us to be authentic and peace of mind.  We'll be happier while maintaining our dignity, too.  We'll enjoy improved, balanced relationships.

      Our vision clears, allowing us to make decisions that are fair for everyone, others and ourselves, too.  Frustration is replaced with satisfying relationships. What a gift it is, being freed from the disease of codependency. 

Expressing Our Voice

      We have integrity when voicing our boundaries.  We being at home with ourselves.  Boundaries declare our values, likes and dislikes. 

       It lets others know the "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" that define who we are.  If we want to be happy, we need to be adults.  Adults disagree with others.  Boundaries are normal and necessary for equanimity and peace of mind, and emotional safety.

       We risk disapproval when we are clear about our boundaries and are mindful our worth is not based upon what others think of me.  (Courage to Change, pps. 9, 118, 217)

      Others can think and feel however they please about us.  But, we are happiest when our behavior is congruent with our internal clock.  We enjoy greater satisfaction when we live consistently with our worldview.   

      Will rattle others, though. 

How About You?

1.  Is there anything that prevents you from expressing your views?
2.  What allows you to overcome the negative conditioning you experienced as a child? 

A Thankful Perspective: The Antidote to Despair: We Become Better, Not Bitter .........11/9/12

Knowing joy during dark times is like the sun penetrating through a rainstorm

Image: "Revealed" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo, all rights reserved. 

        It's been raining the past two days.  Stress sneaks up and grabs me, if I'm not careful.  The nature of my work will take an emotional and spiritual toll, if I don't

Getting Out of the Way, Seeing My Son Soar............... 9/16/11

A stunt kite. The type I use. On the west end of the
 island where I live, I can fly a kite daily. It has
two strings, making this airborne item controllable
and plenty of fun.  It's one way I decompress. 

      It is easy, getting enmeshed with others.

      We rescue them from their problems and drama.  It is a common way of ignoring our issues.  Focusing on the needs of others distracts us from facing our disturb-

Responding Not Reacting, Part II ( An Opportunity for Growth, Spiritual Weightlifting) ...................5/30/11

Emotionally Charged Conversations

       When disagree-ing with someone, awareness that we have limited knowl-edge, helps.

       We don't know what's right in every situation.  During such times, the acronym THINK helps.  We want to ask, "Are my comments and behavior Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary and Kind?"

Armida, Part I. Counting Our Blessings: A Reminder That Tomorrow or Next Month Is Not Guaranteed ................ 5/27/11

      How are you?  I'll discuss today's topic after my gratitudes.

I've been on the go for several days. Thursday, I met with friends.  Afterward, some of us took in a movie: "Thor."  My oldest son is a manager at a twenty-five-screen theater, and I get to see first-run movies for free.  It makes me a popular date. :->  (Free large bag of popcorn and soda too, if desired.)

My Gratitudes Before Saturday Rolls Around:

1. I rested today. Nice. I stayed home this evening; I'm gearing up for Saturday, which will be eventful and carry on until late.
2. I visited with my oldest son Thursday. I'm proud of him: he's working hard: he's completing college, works a job, and now has been elected as president of the local chapter of the American Marketing Association. (He's a business major.)

     The honesty and openness we share are heartening. It was good hearing my son laugh while we visited.  Stress is an ongoing part of his life.  Sharing light-hearted moments was good for both of us.  Connecting and discussing any issue is easy for us; our bond makes my heart smile.
3. I purchased a book to replace one of the seven vital books I lost recently.  I've been eking out my studies for my personal growth.  I now have three; I borrowed two others from a friend.

      The ones lost are irreplaceable. Hundreds of cross-references I hand wrote in each.  300-500 added entries to the indexes I also had in them. Not to mention my marginalia, which was microscopic and copious. I've studied these books daily for years, close to a decade. They each had more than three thousand+ hours of notes in them. They are what contribute the bulk of what you hear from me when you visit me here.

     These books stirred my personal growth, offered wise perspectives, and provided inner healing and clarity.  I suffer not having them.  It's challenging opening up "naked" unmarked books. They're not the same.  Insights captured over the years and embedded in them are gone. It's hard starting all over again.  But...........
4. I'm glad that I'm gradually rebuilding my library's vital, integral core.

Making the Most Out of Our Lives
Tomorrow is Not Guaranteed
       Seeing friends last night was a great way to conclude the week. They're beautiful people. What I like best is that everyone is emotionally healthy.  They've worked through their issues.  I value their warmth, insight, and kindness.

      There was a shocker to this week's gathering.  One person blithely shared she recently visited the doctor. Armida fell and thought she had cracked vertebrae. The hospital did an MRI, finding out that was the least of her worries: she's severely riddled with cancer. This voracious disease is in her bones, lymph nodes, and lungs.  It may travel to her brain. They've given her 3-6 months to live.

       Tears streamed down my face as she calmly shared the news with a bright, sincere smile. Gosh.  In shock, unable to comprehend what she said, I was. "This could not be??" I thought. What she shared was incongruent with her calm and positive demeanor.

        Speaking with her, one-on-one, later, culminated in giving Armida a big hug----a request of hers. Visiting her, bringing mutual friends, I intend on doing.  I'll act soon, while she's mentally clear, and even after when she isn't. Guitar I'll bring. Music comforts the soul, don't you agree?  Her illness strikes an emotional chord; I've been assisting someone who's recovering from cancer surgery on her leg since last July.  Also, my dad died from prostate cancer not long ago.

        We want to let our loved ones know we love them; tomorrow is not guaranteed.
How About You? 
1. Who is someone you feel strongly prompted to visit?  My encouragement is to do it.
2. What has been a big shock you've experienced lately?  If you feel comfortable sharing it with us, that would be great. If not, you may want to get it out of your system by sharing this disturbing news with a caring, empathetic friend.  It works. I know from personal experience
**************************************
Update: 8/4/11 My dear friend Armida died Monday, 8/1/11, at 12:55 p.m., surrounded by family and loved ones.  I was fortunate enough to serenade her twice this month.  Most recently, Sunday, the night before her departure.

        Armida's irrepressible spirit left an indelible imprint on this writer. Her death is my loss and that of those who knew her. You can read the story about the innkeeper serenading her, her dancing eyes, and an unexpected but comforting guest here.

Happiness is a Choice; Gratitude is a Choice. Better staying in the solution than dwelling on problems........... .................. 5/25/11

     Attitude deter-mines how much happiness we will know.

 "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."  

      Abraham Lincoln echoed this when he said, 

"Happiness requires very little, it's all in our way of thinking."  [And, I would add, in the choices we make.]

        Being grateful reveals itself as a terrific choice.  It fills us with hope. It happens as we look backwards with thankfulness and forward with eager anticipation.  

        We can be thankful because we are not alone.  God's love can be ours at all times.  He accepts us with grace, not judgment.  

        We cannot only bond with God but also create a supportive community that loves us unconditionally. This type of support flourishes when developing our discernment and apply boundaries when relating with others. 

         I'm not pollyannaish. (read here for more.)  There's warfare in the world, and many go hungry, daily; abuse abides throughout this world, yes.  Many nowadays are without work.

        Despite these realities, a loving God still exists.  He answers our prayers.  A Power greater than ourselves can provide the sanity and serenity we seek. 

        A positive vision for our lives can be ours, the choice involves changing perspective. 

        It happens when we slow down through prayer and meditation and increase our conscious contact with the God of our understanding.  We want to pray for knowledge of His will and the power to carry it out.  This action mirrors Step 11 in Recovery.

        When we are loved by family and friends we know a reality that enhances our joy.  Life doesn't get richer than that.

  "Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness.  It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose."        Helen Keller 

        How about you?  Where do you choose to invest your thoughts?  I'm amazed at what we choose to focus on. Yes, problems can engulf us.  Complaining doesn't solve them.

       I find sweeping our porch a better option; in doing so, the world becomes tidier.  Spewing bile may offer temporary release.  Doing what we can about the issue, provides a constructive alternative; "Let it begin with me."
   
        It surprises me how much we stay in our minds, without subsequent action.  

        Before recovery, I worshipped my mind.  It was the result of a classical and thorough education.  I  used analysis to make sense of the nonsensical.

       It was my attempt at trying to control the uncontrollable.

       That's futility and insanity.  I know it's chic to be critical, sophisticated to be sassy.  I'd rather fill my heart with love and praise for the gifts life offers. 

        Don't you agree?  My guess imagines you saying yes, or you wouldn't be reading these silent words in this home of gratitude and thankfulness.

         Focusing on the problem creates a downer mentality.  The problem remains that we are focusing on the problem.  With that viewpoint, of course, we'll get upset.   I'd rather look at the alternatives as to what I can do, staying in the solution.

           Many don't realize that being critical does not reveal an astute analytical mind.  Anyone can complain; it's easy to be consumed by a dark spirit, defaulting to this mode.
     
         Many are not aware that being judgmental has nothing to do with their assessment skills. Their viewpoints stem from a heart filled with blame, shame, guilt, and judgment, the five forms of Life Alienating Communication.  Frequently, critics are simply continuing the negative legacy of growing up within the toxicity of a negative, depressive, critical home where grace was rarely demonstrated.

          Since childhood, many living in a less-than-ideal home were groomed to be critical.  It was modeled for them daily.  Seeing what was wrong became part of their cognitive and characterological DNA.  Having lived with toxic---and usually perfectionistic---family members, the bleak circumstances of their childhood strongly contribute to adopting a critical perspective.

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."   Philippians. 4:8.

This is my choice, dwelling upon the blessings and treasures I have.  In keeping with that theme, here are...

My Gratitudes for Today:
1. My baseball team played today and I watched the game.  It was a respite from daily pressures, taking in a game.  It slowed the pace of my evening.  Baseball remains a game of nuances; it has the speed of yesteryear when life wasn't as frantic.
2. I spoke with one of my older brothers this afternoon.  It's lovely connecting with family and catching up on the latest news.
3. Another brother, who lives in Hawaii, by phone, I almost reached. We share a comfortable relationship; we think alike. Besides that, he has a wonderful personality.  I treasure the life-long bond we share.
4. I had an open conversation with a son.  The openness, thoughtfulness, and honesty we had met my need for connecting on an intimate level.  It's great relating with an adult son.  Hearing his mature but different perspective was gladdening. Mine remains limited.  I appreciate the times we celebrate together.
5. I appreciate patience.  It allows me to slow down, when life engulfs me, with the urgent tries to distract me from the important.  Turning things over to God, and letting Him carry the burdens of my life makes it more bearable, less frightening, and increases my equanimity, always a good deal.

Related Posts:
Getting Beyond Disappointment 
"Happiness is a Choice"  Part II

Reflections As Another Year Passes: Grateful for a Satisfying Life. (Also more questions from the innkeeper.) ...........................................5/23/11

      Welcome to the visitors from Indonesia, Malaysia and Germany. Now, it's time for me to fess up. This upcoming Saturday is my birthday. Part of my growth as an adult is letting others know the date. Keeping it a secret was my MO. I've gotten beyond that. Now, I celebrate the day I entered this world with others. I'll spend this upcoming Saturday with some of the gang that I mention in this blog. All three sons will be with me along with

Gratitude: A Matter of Perspective...... 5/15/11

           Life is good. I've discovered over the years that joy has NOTHING to do with external details. I can have it regardless what job I have, car I drive, the size of my home or how much I have in the bank, who loves me or who doesn't. .  In spite of difficult circumstances, I can still bump into joy, along with serenity and tranquility. What liberty, tranquility and joy I experience when I'm freed from external referenting.  Yes, that's a word. I admit, a big portion of my happiness is due to my relationship with God, more about that, in a minute. 

         But, partaking in an Attitude of Gratitude involves perspective, too.  I partake of it when I  choose to stay in the present, versus dwelling upon the darker moment of my past or fearing----being anxious----about possible future difficulties.  The present is where we are---always!!


        I'm thankful for knowing God’s forgiveness, and grace.  I delight in knowing that I'm in a loved position with God. This close, loving relationship does NOT change----even when my thoughts or behavior is less than the standards God has set for me. Now, that is a mind-blowing concept. 

       One of my favorite posters says, 'Life is a test. It

       is only a test.Had this been a real life you would

       have been instructed where to go and what to do;
       Whenever I think of this humorous bit of  wisdom,
       it reminds me to not take my life so seriously.

      Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, p85.

***********************************************************************************

My gratitudes for today:

1.  I had a run in today with someone who struggles with rage and raged upon me. I have compassion for this person. I'm also thankful that I didn't cause his rage. He had it way before I ever met him.  I'm glad that I've learned that I am to be responsive to, but not responsible for, the emotions of others.  I can't tell you how liberating it is to not be manipulated by the emotions of others.(For more about dealing with an emotional bully, click here. )

    Other people's emotions are their property and my emotions are mine. To feel responsible for another person's emotions is a serious crossing of boundaries, ours and theirs.(For more about this, please click here.)

2. I'm glad that I don't get as triggered by the negative emotions of others. I was able to take care of myself. A serene day was had.  Really. There's a proverb that says to stay away from an angry person or you'll learn his ways. That's what I did this morning. 

    I actually said to this agitated person, "I never gave you permission to condemn me and I'm asking you to stop judging me." I said this calmly, Next, I extricated myself from this person.

3. It's wonderful knowing I'm powerless over the history that other people bring with them, including the pain that is involved with it. I also know that I will not allow myself to be anyone's emotional punching bag. There's a saying I've shared elsewhere:

"If you feel like  doormat, you need to get up off the floor." 

        For me, that statement brings a smile and a chuckle, but it's still true. I love the fact, that a I learn to stand  by my personal principles, stand in my power and live by my integrity, I enjoy a freedom and joy that I never experienced as a young man. My friendships are richer and more harmonious because, we get what we tolerate and we train people how to treat us.

          Let me know what you think. Look at the following link if you want to know if you're dealing with an emotional bully. Click here. Although this link refers to a woman as the bully, the same holds true if it's a guy. 

                       The guy from the Left Coast,

Getting Work Done, Boundaries, Freedom from Pretense

      What a wonderful Wednesday this was!
The weather was fabulous. Now is the time when I frequently post gratitudes; while it is still this day, minutes away from tomorrow. As you will read below, there are many things for which we can be grateful. It's not really hard to think of some.

      If you're stumped, try using the alphabetical approach: I'm grateful for air, I love the sound of babies laughing, as their parents blow on their bellies and beautiful flowers.  I'm thankful for cars and cats.  You get the idea.

A Spiritual Awakening, Part I. Appreciating Life's Gifts, Staying in the Moment, Not Distracted by Fear, Sadness or Resentment 4/10/11

"The glory of Christianity is to conquer by forgiveness." William
Blake. "Forgiveness is freedom. Tony Dailo.   "To forgive is
 God-like, & one of the greatest uses of free will."  Anonymous
"Forgiveness is man's deepest need and highest achievement."
 Horace Bushnell    "The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is
 the attribute of the strong."  Mahatma Gandhi. "Unforgiveness is
 the burning of the bridge we must cross ourselves." Tim Blessed
   "Forgiveness is the price of Happiness."  M. Pilbeam

   It's easy, letting the briars of life distract us.  It is during these times we want to select the burrs of good-ness embedded in whatever blanket life tosses our way.

     It is easy, losing touch with the joys each day offers.  May the following passage awaken our desire to celebrate life more than we already do.

     It offers nuggets of riches.  This is true in spite of the bleak pro-nouncements of the news.  Here's the excerpt:

  Life has many treasures if I'm willing to accept them, but none can do more for me than learning really to live in the pre-sent.  That means being more aware of myself and of small happy things that often dramatize themselves into importance as I observe them with enjoyment. [For more about what it's like, being in this state, please read here.] 

        No matter how grim the situation may be that troubles my waking thoughts,  there are shining nuggets of pleasantness all around me to distract my mind from its cares. But I must be on the lookout for them  so they will not be lost to me!  

        Aldous Huxley said it this way: 'For every man, the world is as fresh as it was the first day, and as full of untold novelties for him who has the eyes to see them.'  This is a constructive and rewarding way of achieving the detachment necessary from the urgent but unimportant demands of life. 

"God make me receptive and aware; restore to me my ca-pacity for wonder.

       

     The upcoming week pro-vides many opportunities to celebrate life.  Yes, it does.  During whatever season, we do ourselves a favor when making time to delight in life's beauty. 

         In the winter, it may be nature draped with snow or the rare sun-ny moment.  We can behold the austere loveliness of barren winter trees. 

          In spring, there are many wonders: the crack of a baseball mak-ing contact with a bat or playing cricket.  We can take in birdsongs or visually inhale the blooming of flowers.  
       

       It can be the buzz of lawnmowers sprucing up neighbor-hood yards.  A breathtaking mo-ment can be the roar of a rain-swollen river accompanying a hike in nature.  

        Fall offers de-lightful moments: sitting in a warm living room,  curled up with a good book.  It can be the cool, crisp air while out on a country walk.  Kind deeds nurture, any time of the year, whether we perform or receive them. 

         Being aware of these moments is staying present, increasing our joy. 

         Looking for the many mini-vacations the day provides is celebrating life, savoring its richness.  

         Today, appreciate lovely clouds.  Luxuriate in the purr of a cat.  Delight in the zen-like day-dreaminess that pop up during "mindless" moments.  

         These are the small gifts life provides.  They happen while giving detailed attention to the frosting a cake.  Or while pulling weeds, sewing, nailing a board or doing dishes.

         Inhale these moments.  We are inhaling life riches when we do.  The process of living is fulfilling in itself.  Frequently it is more rewarding than any task performed.  

        What does it cost?  Perhaps five minutes.  Sometimes these beautiful moments are briefer than that.  They are tiny vacations available throughout the day.  

        The value of gratitude is that it nurtures our souls, increasing our capacity for wonder.  

         We allow songs of thanks to reverberate within our hearts.  We're seizing gifts God offers each day.  We're are cultivating an Attitude of Gratitude.

 

        Please share how you capture wonder.  I love hearing your gratitudes.  Doing so meets the vision of this inn. 

 Image: "Cumbria: Mountain River"  by Tim Blessed © all rights reserved, used by permission

Progress Not Perf3cktion .......3/18/11

      Being gentle with ourselves is critical for our serenity.  Often, the negative voices we hear in our head are the critical comments we heard as a child.  We no longer need adults to say the shaming statements we grew up up with.  I agree, it's important to make amends when we've done wrong.  The surprise is learning that the first person we need to make amends to is ourselves.

     Risking, and allowing ourselves to make mistakes contributes big time, towards self-acceptance. The following passage I find helpful. Having this perspective helps us have an Attitude of Gratitude.

Progress can be hard to recognize, especially if our expectations are unrealistically high. If we expect our negative attitudes or unhealthy behavior to change quickly and completely, we're likely to be disappointed, progress is difficult to see when we measure ourselves against idealized standards. Perhaps it would be better to compare our present circumstances to where we had been in the past.

As I overcome inadequate coping strategies, I realize holding grudges hurts me. I now let go of resentments and Idespair when these attitudes persist. Fortunately, I've learned to focus on progress, not perfection. Although sometimesI still hold on to resentments, I know I'm making progress because I don't do it as often as I used to. I'm not resentful for as long a time. 

Today, I don't seek perfection; the only thing that matters is the direction in which I'm moving. As a result of hardwork I've done to work in this area of my life and a willingness to change, I am moving in a positive direction. I celebrate my progress today. I know that the process of personal growth will continue to help me grow toward a better way of living.

"Keep adding little by little and you will soon have a big  hoard."     Latin proverb

        Have a great and grateful weekend, freed from the stress of trying to attain something that is unattainable. Thanks for dropping by.  Please keep posting your gratitudes!