Friday, October 31

Untangled From the Tentacles of Guilt and Codependency 10/31/14

1.  Fear of abandonment.
2.  Defensive hope.
3.  Fear of confrontation.
4.  Developing character discernment.
5.  Not being codependent---swallowed up by what others think of us or caught up in rescuing others.
6.  Romanticizing relationships.
7.  Assuming the victim role. Passivity.  Not facing the issues in our lives that need work.  Not taking care of ourselves.  Not protecting ourselves from abusers.

      Victims surrender their dignity.

     They fear rocking the boat in the other person's life. They are afraid of offending.  Even when this boat is a garbage barge.  And it carries a city's worth of trash. Victims do not stop the perpetrator from dumping this barge on them.

     They let him routinely pour condemnation, judgement and shame within the ocean of their soul.  Victims are not proactive.

      All seven issues listed I wrote earlier this month.  More must be rooted out.  That is, if we want healthy, life-giving relationships.  Ones where each person is present, authentic. (See here for more about this.)  When we are with a safe person, intimacy thrives.

     We bond when relationships have emotional safety and reciprocity.  These are the friendships that bring vitality.  They are connections that invigorate. When we are with Safe People, we feel energized afterwards.  We feel we are a better person because of spent time with them.

      Unsafe, toxic people.  They are just the opposite.  They suck the life out of us.  I wrote about assuming the victim role, yesterday, dancing the dance of passivity.

      Today, we look at guilt.  Be it false, imagined or true.  This negative feeling draws predators who can smell our vulnerability through lead.
       People who carry guilt will look for someone to play the guilt inducer role in their life.  The guilt inducer plays the martyr role, acting like his misery is the fault of the person wracked with guilt. 
      The guilty party, in turn, is hooked into taking responsi-bility for the other person's pain, anger or disappointments. [Which is not the guilty party's responsibility, ever.]  He is easily manipulated.  He never feels free in the relationship. 
      The hook, however, lies within the person who picks the guilt inducer.  She will feel as if the guilt is "put on her," or so and so "makes me feel guilty." But this thinking is a disa-vowal of responsibility .  For someone to make us feel guilty, we have to have some part of us that gets hooked into that dynamic and agrees with the accuser.                                                                          Cloud, Townsend, Safe People, 105. 
       We can free ourselves from manipulators.  It is realizing no one can make us happy, sad, angry, experience guilt or any other feeling without us first giving them permission to do so.  The following wraps up the quote above:
      This is why the power to be free [from manipulators] is within us.  We begin to deal with our guilt [and our bag-gage]. We become free of the hook that guilt inducers use to control us.  Safe People 105
     I have a difficult client.  Each time we meet, she tries pin-ning blame. On me. She takes no respon-sibility for what happens in her life.  Her problems are because of others.  She cannot see her contribution to her problems.

      During sessions I do not buy her victim mentality.  According to her, this makes her feel bad.  I don't accept the guilt she tries to ply.

       Every time I do not accept her accusations, she's startled.  I understand why.  Ninety-six percent of the world is codepen-dent.  Such people are susceptible to guilt.  She has never met a person who wasn't moved by her manipulation. Until now.

      I am not motivated or intimidated by the guilt.    Her blaming comments don't move me.

     People loved by a supportive network, are untangled from tentacles of code-pendency.  Wracked with guilt, they aren't.  Nor are they anguished by mistreatment.  The grip of lies and gossip cannot grasp a person with a strong supportive network.  Such an individual has a healthy self-image.

     It is derived from the love they get from their Balcony People.

     Resilient people embrace negative realities.  They use such circum-stances to further their personal growth.  They do not have a victim mentality.

         Guilt no longer rules the feelings of those who stand in their power, recovery and integrity.  The resilient are bathed in love.  They are acquainted with authenticity.  Reciprocity and emotional safety marks their relationships.   Condemnation, within or without is given perspective.

         When we are resilient, mistakes are not seen as failures.  Lapses of character or fortitude are opportunities for exercising recovery.  We are gentle towards ourselves during when we fail.  We do this by forgiving ourselves. 

       We maintain our integrity.  During tough times we remain true to our values. This includes enjoying healthy relationships. 

         We also maintain integrity by being honest---present---with those their friends.

        People with recovery are loved.  We are filled with grace.  Our emotionally healthy friends do not condemn us when we make a mistake.  Acceptance, not ridicule happens when revealing our vulnerabilities.  We are loved by our supportive network.

        Moments of vulnerability----admitting weaknesses---are easy.  We are aware of our triggers. We mention them when they surface. This openness with others a result of having an accurate perspective of who we are---the true definition of humility, teachability.

       Recovery allows us to be transparent.  Errors are seen as opportunities for growth.  Negative generational legacies are replaced.

        Condemnation once known when making a mistake is replaced with self-compassion.  We are tender towards our wounds.  When we err, compassion replaces self-judgment.  Living authentically, we reveal our warts to close friends, knowing our flaws do not define us.  We are forthright about who we are, the good and the bad.

       When our vulnerable, less-than-best part of ourselves is loved, it can be healed and transformed. If this Hunchback portion of Our Inner Self is condemned, we have a problem.  Our progress will be slow. The wounded parts  of who we are retreats. When this happens, healing does not happen. The Quasimodo that lives within does not get restored.

       Healing takes place when truth is matched with loving grace.  Our inner deformed self transforms into a prince.  I know this to be true.

        I see this take place every day at work. It requires effort, not excuses.  It happens when truth is balanced with grace.

       With recovery, we learn we are not loved for what we do, or don't do.  This is true even when we think we should have done more, try harder.  It is fantastic, being loved for who we are.

       Our outlook changes when we realize who we are is good enough.  If that isn't so in another person's eyes, that individual is unsafe, not us.

       If a person is falsely accused, boundaries and recovery allows him to not swallow the poison of shame proffered by the accuser.  Guilt mongers no longer manipulate a person who is internally referented.  The unsafe person needs to process his inaccurate judgments.  It is his problem.

How About You? 
How do you prevent guilt from eating or manipulating you? 

2 comments:

Thumper said...

Pablo,

Wow! What an amazing post! I never realized that I could actually be picking my guilt inducer and that I am a part of this process of getting "hooked" in by agreeing with the accuser. I am giving this person permission and power over my sense of self. I suppose it is like a dangerous dance with an unsafe partner. I can see that once I stop allowing manipulators to trigger my victimization, than I will be better off!

Pablo said...

Dear Thumper,

Thank you for signing the guestbook of this inn by sharing your response to this post.

Abusive people know how to prey upon us. We need to be vigilant. Growing in recovery means learning new principles to replace inadequate values instilled in us as children.

As I tell my clients, a person cannot get our goat if we don't let them know where it is tied. :-> Sometimes the best thing we can do is walk away or say "I have something else I need to do." We do. What we need to do is separating ourselves from that person!

Wishing you a great upcoming week. I am grateful you drop by and keep me company.

The Innkeeper

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.

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