Boundary Practice: Dodging a Raging Bull..................... 9/4/13

"For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty
 seconds of peace of mind."      Ralph Waldo Emerson. 

 "When you are angry or frustrated, what comes out? What-ever it is, it's a good indica-tion of what you are made of.   H. Jackson Brown 

        Saturday evening, I dodged a raging bull.

       I did this calmly.  I even had presence of mind.  I came across this angry person while registering for the event at the front door.
  
      I hadn't seen her for two years.  "Why," she asked, "did you stop attending the meeting on Tuesday nights?"  I let her in on my reason.  

       Two and a half hours later, after the event was over, this woman stood behind a friend I was speaking to, giving intense eye contact.

        When I finished the conversation, this woman, coiffed in a Mohawk hairdo tried---several times---to intimidate.  She wanted to scold.  My was that interesting.

        She found fault with what I said when I bumped into her, earlier.

        The katas provided through years of training in nonviolent com-munication helped me maintain my equanimity.  I responded, without reacting.  I let her know I disagreed. 

        She was apoplectic, when I told her, "I never gave you permission to judge me.  I want you to stop.   We only do our own inventory."  This she knows.  

        She's attended Al-Anon Family Groups for two years and three months.  

        She had been working this program with a sponsor, my recent former girlfriend.   I continued, "You do not do my inventory.  This is not how we do things in Al-Anon."  That is, a rundown of what was wrong with me. 

        She wanted to correct me because of my comment earlier that night.  She did not like my answer when I told her why I no longer attended the meeting on Tuesday nights.   

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."     Ambrose Bierce 

        Her eyes tried piercing my serenity.  She exasperatingly and loudly  blurted, "I'm only expressing my feelings!!"  She declared this in the midst of Saturday's event, bustling with people.  The majority of them have suffered because of their relationship with bombastic people, mainly alcoholics.

          People with her personality.

         Ah, that was a misstep.  She said this to someone who knew emotional and verbal aikido.

         My friends chatted a foot and a half away.  Behind her, they stood.  They faced one another in a circle, chatting away, sharing their reaction to the inspiring speakers featured on this night. 

         Little did they know about the drama unfolding three feet away.  I gently smiled at my accuser. Her behavior had no impact on me.  

         I faced them, feeling calm, even while encountering a raging bull.  "What would Christ, or the Dalai Lama do, in a similar occasion?" my thought.

        Back to the drama on Dowling Street, in San Leandro........

        "Please, express your feelings. That is not what you are do-ing now.  You are judging. 

        You're making a statement about my behavior.  That is not expressing emotions."  She could not reply, being dumbfounded.  Her mouth agape, the smoke emitting from her ears stopped. 

        "I'm not in agreement with you," I continued. "I do not like your parental tone.  We are equals. 

       "I can listen to you when we both speak like adults, not you acting like an angry parent, speaking to a naughty child.  I'm not that and won't tolerate it."

         We get what we tolerate.  Every adult has a right to dis-agree.  Only little children not making sense are prohibited from disagreeing with adults. 

         I added, "Thank you for sharing. What you've said allows me to know your values and your worldview.  This conversation is over." 

         She huffily replied, "Thank you for letting me share." 

         "You're welcome," I replied. 

          And that was that.  

            I was none the worse for emotional wear.  I took two and a half steps forward, rejoining my circle of friends with a smile.  They had no clue that enduring a tempest with an angry person just took place. 

      Some principles fixed in my mind while making like a bullfighter that night: 

 Our feelings, whether good or bad, are our property. They fall within our boundaries.  Our feelings are our responsibility.

 

Others' feelings are theirs. If other people feel sad, it is their sadness. This does not mean that they do not need someone else to be with them in their sadness and to empathize with them.  

 

It does mean the person who is feeling sad [or angry] must take responsibility for that feeling. Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992) 123

Also,

If we feel responsible for others people's dis-pleasure, we are being controlled by others, not by God [or our principles]. This is a basic bound-ary disturbance..... If self-centered people are angry at you, it means you are learning to say no to evil.  

 

If mean people are displeased with you, it means that you are standing up to abuse..... If your parents do not like the decisions that you as an adult feel God has led you to make, it means you are growing up.                                                               Changes, 123

       We don't want to put another person's anger in control of our lives.  Heavens, that's codependency , something most people do, unfortunately.  

Gratitudes We Can Have: 

1.  Emotional matur-ity feels like spending the day at Disneyland with old friends.  It takes place when we replace vulnerable, deficient areas in our souls with healthier principles.

     In Saturday's case, one stabilizing princi-ple was that we are equal with every other adult on this planet. When this anger-filled person tried chiding me, I took her behavior for what it was: unacceptable.  I deserve greater respect than that, regardless of her percep-tions. 

     We don't want to accept blame, shame, guilt, fear or judgment when rela-ting with others.  They are forms of life-alienating communication. 

2.  We don't accept unacceptable behavior.  Others do not define us nor determine our moods. 

3.  We can be trained like Navy Seal.  A different type, however.  When the bullets of accusations, rage, or condescension fly our way, we can know what to do.  The danger is noted.

     As it approaches, we deflect it.  We do not allow the tempest coming our way to disturb our peace of mind. At the same time, we have no desire to hurt the angry person.  

     When the bullets of personal attacks appear, we respond, using recovery principles to shield us.  We don't react.

   

      Every time we practice boundaries, we get strong-er.  It becomes easier to do.  At first, we may be a bit clumsy.  We may not know how to assert ourselves.

     This weekend that wasn't a problem.  I am well-prac-ticed. 

      Assertiveness is like learning a new tune on a musical instrument.  It's awkward, at first. With practice, it gets easier. We get smoother.

       Eventually, we have finger memory.  We don't even have to think while performing. 

      Same holds true for saying our no as gently as our yes.  (Courage to Change,  Virginia Beach, Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters, 1992, p 104.)  This is also true when we do not allow pleasing others to be our default mode.  It is in our best mental and emotional interest to consider our feelings, needs, and behavior, when we are in a relational drama.  (Courage, p. 359.)

      That's being internally referented. 

4.  We can have peace of mind.  This increasingly becomes a part of our lives when we do not base our self-worth on what we do.  Nor does it consist of what others think of us. 

5. "When the ap-plause of others is the reason for my behavior and ne-cessary for me to feel good about myself,  then I have given them power over me." Courage to Change, p. 9.

     We don't need approval to vali-date ourselves. 

6.  When an angry person confronts us, we can say what we mean, mean what we say,  but not say it meanly.  It feels satisfying when we know what to say when confronted. 

7.  We help ourselves when we surround ourselves with good friends.  We want to focus on them.  From them, we know love and know we are lovable.

     Being grounded this way strengthens us.  It replaces codependency and places steel in our soul.  It helps us to not be as shaken by unruly others.

      If others have a bad day, as in Saturday's case, when this woman confront-ed me, we don't take it personally.  Their negative behavior reflects their char-acter, not ours.

8.  I appreciate this truth: 

"Acting like a victim is a    choice, not a destiny."                   Hope for Today, p 189

9.  Rejoice, our character can continue to grow.  That happens when we stay in the solution.  When unpleasant people are upset with us, we want to remember the quote by Henry Cloud.  We are stand-ing up to abuse.

 10.  We want to have compassion for people like the woman who confronted me on Saturday.  They allow us to practice bound-aries.  They give us a stronger appreciation for friends.

        Someone’s mental state plays a huge role in their physical health.  If someone’s making life difficult for people around them, you can be sure they’re doing worse to themselves.

How About You? 

 What have you learned over the past year that helps you keep your poise when relating to an angry person?

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Relating with Emotional Vampres