Lessons Learned After Relating with a Negative, Critical Person................... 2/27/21

      A project I finished yester-day. 

     I did tasks I don't care for: it involved facts, figures, and sum-maries. Not my typical work.  Seven hours

Speaking Our Truth, Why We Don't............... 7/2/15

         Saying what we want.

         How difficult it can be. Fearing the reactions of oth-ers. It makes us feel like walking on egg-shells.  

        Wanting to please, we have a false belief.   We think our needs are less important than others. We are not honest.

       We agree---outwardly. Yet in-wardly, we protest.  We do not state our opin--ions---what we want or do not want.

      We comply. Inside, we fume. Being authentic is hard.  

     Often, we fear rejection if we are. We dread disapproval. Expressing our feelings and wants doesn't happen.

    We fear ruining the relationship.

    Big question. What type of relationship is it if we can't be honest? Is it worth having? I say no.

        Not express-ing our true selves does not let others know the real us. Nobody's needs are met. How empty is that?

        Our need for connection and closeness is not met. Intimacy---to know and be known is not satisfied. The need for others to under-stand us is neglected. 

       Relating genuinely with others---doesn't take place.

      The ancient Greeks used masks in plays. The classic tragedy and comedy masks we know. They indicated a performer's role.

       Built within were megaphones, ampli-fying the character's voice. This is where the mask got its name. Personna.

       Per---meaning through. And Sona, referring to sound. The personna was the image a character portrayed while "sounding" through a mask.

      This is the source for the word "person." More than 2,700 years later, it re-mains true. Many people continue to speak through a giant mask, not revealing their true selves.

      We say, "I'm fine," when asked how we are. While the fact is we aren't. Our relationships are as tasty as shredded wheat.

     That is an insult to shredded wheat. That fiber-filled cereal is tastier than insincere, inauthentic relationships.
     

      Today, I was honest. I was angry with someone. This person had not seen me this way.

       A rare occurrence. However, there was no mask. I said what I wanted. I expressed what I didn't like and what irritated me.

       It.  Felt. Good.

      There's nothing wrong with anger. It's how we express it that's important. We can be intense without being frightful. With strong emphasis, I stated my feelings without judgment.

       This required noticing the judgments and seeing where I blamed others for my feelings.  

       Instead, I took responsibility for my emotions. Our feelings are our property. No one can make us angry, sad, happy, or have any other feeling without us giving them permission to do so. 

       In today's case, I removed the "shoulds" I had towards this person. I felt much better. I connected fully with the deeper needs underlying my negative feelings.
 

     I expressed the needs not being met. When I did, I felt immediate relief. It did not require the other person to change.

       I was now standing in my power and recovery. I was faithful to values I hold dear, acting with integrity. My life became manageable.

      How did I experience release? By expressing my feelings about my needs fully and with intensity. But I was not scary while angry with the person who upset me.

      I took responsibility for my feelings, not blaming her. I did this by expressing the depth of my emotions about my needs not being met. They were said without judging her.

     

      Because I did, the other person heard me. Thank God for recov-ery. I responded, not reacting. My needs to self-express and enjoy peace of mind were met. And for that, I have an Attitude of Gratitude.
Gratitudes: 
1. My life is richer beyond my imagination ever considered. I am thankful for all the blessings I enjoy.
2. I enjoy being present. I am not hampered by fear or anxiety. I love discovering where my relationships will go, not manipulating out-comes.

3. The nature and depth of my friendships. It satisfies my soul, con-necting with others, where loving, considerate honesty is matched with integrity, authenticity, compassion, and emotional safety.
4. I am happy helping people from different corners of the Earth. Yesterday with a client in Austin, Texas, and one in Reno, in addition to those I saw in person in San Leandro. Today, I had a session with someone in Bavaria.
5. I love the confidence that recovery offers. I love being free from codependency and the discretion/prudence recovery gives me. I am bathed with the garlic of recovery----it keeps emotional vampires away, freeing me from toxic relationships.

How About You? 
What are your gratitudes for today?

Calmness in the Eye of the Storm, Revisited.......... 10/25/14

          Hi.  I am beat, working long, in-tense hours and spending time catching the World Series----baseball.  All four games played I have taken in.   An important appointment tomor-row awaits me.  I need rest.  So, I am not

Boundary Practice: Dodging a Raging Bull..................... 9/4/13

"For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty
 seconds of peace of mind."      Ralph Waldo Emerson. 

 "When you are angry or frustrated, what comes out? What-ever it is, it's a good indica-tion of what you are made of.   H. Jackson Brown 

        Saturday evening, I dodged a raging bull.

       I did this calmly.  I even had presence of mind.  I came across this angry person while registering for the event at the front door.
  
      I hadn't seen her for two years.  "Why," she asked, "did you stop attending the meeting on Tuesday nights?"  I let her in on my reason.  

       Two and a half hours later, after the event was over, this woman stood behind a friend I was speaking to, giving intense eye contact.

        When I finished the conversation, this woman, coiffed in a Mohawk hairdo tried---several times---to intimidate.  She wanted to scold.  My was that interesting.

        She found fault with what I said when I bumped into her, earlier.

        The katas provided through years of training in nonviolent com-munication helped me maintain my equanimity.  I responded, without reacting.  I let her know I disagreed. 

        She was apoplectic, when I told her, "I never gave you permission to judge me.  I want you to stop.   We only do our own inventory."  This she knows.  

        She's attended Al-Anon Family Groups for two years and three months.  

        She had been working this program with a sponsor, my recent former girlfriend.   I continued, "You do not do my inventory.  This is not how we do things in Al-Anon."  That is, a rundown of what was wrong with me. 

        She wanted to correct me because of my comment earlier that night.  She did not like my answer when I told her why I no longer attended the meeting on Tuesday nights.   

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."     Ambrose Bierce 

        Her eyes tried piercing my serenity.  She exasperatingly and loudly  blurted, "I'm only expressing my feelings!!"  She declared this in the midst of Saturday's event, bustling with people.  The majority of them have suffered because of their relationship with bombastic people, mainly alcoholics.

          People with her personality.

         Ah, that was a misstep.  She said this to someone who knew emotional and verbal aikido.

         My friends chatted a foot and a half away.  Behind her, they stood.  They faced one another in a circle, chatting away, sharing their reaction to the inspiring speakers featured on this night. 

         Little did they know about the drama unfolding three feet away.  I gently smiled at my accuser. Her behavior had no impact on me.  

         I faced them, feeling calm, even while encountering a raging bull.  "What would Christ, or the Dalai Lama do, in a similar occasion?" my thought.

        Back to the drama on Dowling Street, in San Leandro........

        "Please, express your feelings. That is not what you are do-ing now.  You are judging. 

        You're making a statement about my behavior.  That is not expressing emotions."  She could not reply, being dumbfounded.  Her mouth agape, the smoke emitting from her ears stopped. 

        "I'm not in agreement with you," I continued. "I do not like your parental tone.  We are equals. 

       "I can listen to you when we both speak like adults, not you acting like an angry parent, speaking to a naughty child.  I'm not that and won't tolerate it."

         We get what we tolerate.  Every adult has a right to dis-agree.  Only little children not making sense are prohibited from disagreeing with adults. 

         I added, "Thank you for sharing. What you've said allows me to know your values and your worldview.  This conversation is over." 

         She huffily replied, "Thank you for letting me share." 

         "You're welcome," I replied. 

          And that was that.  

            I was none the worse for emotional wear.  I took two and a half steps forward, rejoining my circle of friends with a smile.  They had no clue that enduring a tempest with an angry person just took place. 

      Some principles fixed in my mind while making like a bullfighter that night: 

 Our feelings, whether good or bad, are our property. They fall within our boundaries.  Our feelings are our responsibility.

 

Others' feelings are theirs. If other people feel sad, it is their sadness. This does not mean that they do not need someone else to be with them in their sadness and to empathize with them.  

 

It does mean the person who is feeling sad [or angry] must take responsibility for that feeling. Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992) 123

Also,

If we feel responsible for others people's dis-pleasure, we are being controlled by others, not by God [or our principles]. This is a basic bound-ary disturbance..... If self-centered people are angry at you, it means you are learning to say no to evil.  

 

If mean people are displeased with you, it means that you are standing up to abuse..... If your parents do not like the decisions that you as an adult feel God has led you to make, it means you are growing up.                                                               Changes, 123

       We don't want to put another person's anger in control of our lives.  Heavens, that's codependency , something most people do, unfortunately.  

Gratitudes We Can Have: 

1.  Emotional matur-ity feels like spending the day at Disneyland with old friends.  It takes place when we replace vulnerable, deficient areas in our souls with healthier principles.

     In Saturday's case, one stabilizing princi-ple was that we are equal with every other adult on this planet. When this anger-filled person tried chiding me, I took her behavior for what it was: unacceptable.  I deserve greater respect than that, regardless of her percep-tions. 

     We don't want to accept blame, shame, guilt, fear or judgment when rela-ting with others.  They are forms of life-alienating communication. 

2.  We don't accept unacceptable behavior.  Others do not define us nor determine our moods. 

3.  We can be trained like Navy Seal.  A different type, however.  When the bullets of accusations, rage, or condescension fly our way, we can know what to do.  The danger is noted.

     As it approaches, we deflect it.  We do not allow the tempest coming our way to disturb our peace of mind. At the same time, we have no desire to hurt the angry person.  

     When the bullets of personal attacks appear, we respond, using recovery principles to shield us.  We don't react.

   

      Every time we practice boundaries, we get strong-er.  It becomes easier to do.  At first, we may be a bit clumsy.  We may not know how to assert ourselves.

     This weekend that wasn't a problem.  I am well-prac-ticed. 

      Assertiveness is like learning a new tune on a musical instrument.  It's awkward, at first. With practice, it gets easier. We get smoother.

       Eventually, we have finger memory.  We don't even have to think while performing. 

      Same holds true for saying our no as gently as our yes.  (Courage to Change,  Virginia Beach, Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters, 1992, p 104.)  This is also true when we do not allow pleasing others to be our default mode.  It is in our best mental and emotional interest to consider our feelings, needs, and behavior, when we are in a relational drama.  (Courage, p. 359.)

      That's being internally referented. 

4.  We can have peace of mind.  This increasingly becomes a part of our lives when we do not base our self-worth on what we do.  Nor does it consist of what others think of us. 

5. "When the ap-plause of others is the reason for my behavior and ne-cessary for me to feel good about myself,  then I have given them power over me." Courage to Change, p. 9.

     We don't need approval to vali-date ourselves. 

6.  When an angry person confronts us, we can say what we mean, mean what we say,  but not say it meanly.  It feels satisfying when we know what to say when confronted. 

7.  We help ourselves when we surround ourselves with good friends.  We want to focus on them.  From them, we know love and know we are lovable.

     Being grounded this way strengthens us.  It replaces codependency and places steel in our soul.  It helps us to not be as shaken by unruly others.

      If others have a bad day, as in Saturday's case, when this woman confront-ed me, we don't take it personally.  Their negative behavior reflects their char-acter, not ours.

8.  I appreciate this truth: 

"Acting like a victim is a    choice, not a destiny."                   Hope for Today, p 189

9.  Rejoice, our character can continue to grow.  That happens when we stay in the solution.  When unpleasant people are upset with us, we want to remember the quote by Henry Cloud.  We are stand-ing up to abuse.

 10.  We want to have compassion for people like the woman who confronted me on Saturday.  They allow us to practice bound-aries.  They give us a stronger appreciation for friends.

        Someone’s mental state plays a huge role in their physical health.  If someone’s making life difficult for people around them, you can be sure they’re doing worse to themselves.

How About You? 

 What have you learned over the past year that helps you keep your poise when relating to an angry person?

Related Post:
Relating with Emotional Vampres