Beyond Button Pushing---Abiding With Triggered Feelings, Getting Healed .............. ...................9/21/14

Image: "Cumbria: Hindscarth from High Spy"  By Tim
Blessed.  Copyrighted photo.  Used by permission. 

     I felt like a little boy in an ice cream parlor this morning. 

    The source of the delightful occasion: time spent with someone as filling as a Cobb salad at Fenton's Ice Cream-ery---a huge meal. We enjoyed an up-lifting

Three Things Needed to Find Safe People.... 9/4/14

Scotland: "Loch Linhe and Loch Eil from Ben Nevis"
By Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo, used by permission. 

Where Do We Find the Safe Peo-ple We Need To Connect With to Thrive?

       Chance has noth-ing to do with it.

     When having difficulties in a relationship, look for the com-mon denomina-tor.

      Us. Ouch.

      Not taking responsibility for our unkind, unhealthy behavior is a typ-ical defensive response when in a conflict. We blame others for our problems with them. Or we surrender to an emotional bully, fearing standing up to them.

       We don't want to be bothered; we hate tension.

       Good relationships require boundaries. They provide an essential warp and woof when connecting with others. They help us weave critical values into the relationship.  

       Like idiot lights, boundaries, when crossed, signal when relating with irresponsible, emotionally unhealthy, or controlling people. When our standards become violated, like a blaring alarm, borders bring unacceptable behavior that spits in our character's face.

      What prevents us from facing problems with others? Denial.   Frequently we avoid our character issues, those areas needing growth.

       Childhood men-toring can prepare us for life. Childhood provides ripe mo-ments for developing discernment. Many of us in our youth did not learn this skill.

      Growing up in homes that are less than ideal is a common occurrence. Mentoring didn't happen. It gives us hope, knowing that doing what is right---like establishing our bound-aries--can happen now. No expiration dates exist for them. 

"It is never too late to                   start doing what is right." 

      Boundaries perform the role of measuring sticks. Individ-uals whose behavior lines up with our borders provide great friend-ships. We embrace those respecting our values.

      Boundaries reveal who we want to relate to. They also teach us who to avoid. For example, one limitation is connecting with people who develop their character. 

      An unhealthy person does not grow. They do not want to. They see no need for it.  

      Awareness of this boundary---insisting on relating with others who ongoingly grow--- develops mature, healthy relationships and emotional safety.  

      Three ingredients create good relationships. They guard our hearts and contribute towards greater sanity. Let's take a look:

  Guard your heart with all diligence for from it flows the issues of life.         Proverbs 4:23

1. Discernment

      Discernment builds healthier connections with others. 

     We draw people into our social circle for the right reasons. External reasons for relating with someone will not be the focus. A person's worldly suc-cess--material attainments, looks, or the nature of their work does not reveal the measure of a man or woman.

      Character defines the individual. 

      A friendship that includes character and emotional matur-ity creates a great relationship.  Does kindness reveal itself during our differences?  Are they patient when wronged?  

      Does the person have compassion?  These are the characteristics we want when connecting with others.

      Do they listen when we talk?  Or do they talk over us?  Do we see a "we" left standing after each conflict?

     These tendencies reveal a person's character.  A person demonstrating consideration is a safe person we can draw closer to.

     When something goes wrong, does the person care more about the issue than us?  When they talk, do we become an audience of one, overlooked in the conversation?  Such people are unsafe. 

     We will enjoy more peace of mind when we steer clear of such individuals. 

2  Knowing How to Connect

     Discernment isn't everything  Community is critical, too  We need to be loved.  

     Isolating hurts us emotionally and mentally  Connecting with emo-tionally healthy others protects us  Our need for intimacy will be met.

     Contrary to what the media says, intimacy is not sex  Often, that is the farthest thing from it  As presented in the world, tenderness is often trifled.  

     Reciprocity is what we want  Mutuality and emotional safety are essential for good friendships.

     Being intimate is revealing our fears  With a safe person, we can  Those we relate with---who are safe---do not judge when we bare our weaknesses  Instead of ridicule, we receive compassion. 

     We experience grace.

      In good friendships, shame is absent.  Blame is replaced with grace  We share our vulnerabilities boldly.  

      Safe People provide a healthy environment. What is divulged is not used against us.

     "Bob" is a fellow I know  He worked in the health care field as a nurse  A tragedy took place; someone died under his care.  

      He revealed this tragic event to an unsafe friend, "Joe." 

      When Joe did something wrong, Bob tried addressing it  His friend would dredge up that Bob "killed" a patient.  

       Bob killed someone  That was worse than any misdeed Joe did  Joe would tell Bob he could never say anything negative about him.

      Joe manipulates Bob, the mark of an unsafe person. 

3   Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

       From time to time, we find ourselves in unhealthy relationships.  It does happen.  Applying boundaries and detaching is our best option.

       Why/  Fear of being alone causes us to cave in  Sad.  

       Good friends give us emotional object constancy.  This reveals the value of a supportive community  It pro-vides strength.  

       We know we are loved and valued.  

      Support empowers us to confront  Good friends strengthen us. With their help, we can take complex steps  We become empowered to take action that otherwise drains us emotionally.  

      Support empowers us to move away from unhealthy relationships.
 

       On occasion, we may be guilty of not keeping good company  Often, we prefer to stay in an unhealthy relation-ship  We believe it is better than no relationship at all. 

     This reflects low self-esteem  It is self-sabotaging  We can do better.

      We get what we tolerate.

       We train people how to treat us, be it for good or ill  We gain con-fidence when we live within a community of good friends  They are the fruit of exercising better discernment and boundaries.

      Applying them provides greater peace of mind  It is something we need to thrive in today's hectic society.

       We help ourselves when we let go of manipulative, controlling relationships  By exercising discernment, our relationships improve  Taking a stand is applying the courage derived from our supportive network  When we are confident in our values, we remove the decaying fruit of unhealthy acquaintances.

       As we get better, so will our relationships with others.

How About You? 
Please share the qualities of intimacy you enjoy with a dear friend.
      May you have a great and grateful day.                       I know I will!
               Pablo

Life Affirming Relationships: How We Get Them ..............................6/14/11

Like the slow unfurling of flowers that feel the warm
presence of the sun, so is the growth of a true friendship.

      The following continues thoughts I have resulting from dining with a gang of guys last Wednesday.  I'm including a bit of what I wrote that evening and I go from there.
      What I wrote earlier:

      I visited and ate dinner with a group of men who had attended tonight's event. I know the routine, what it's like to be with men, since I'm of that species and a former jock.  But, it's not something I've done in a long while, going beyond

Restoring my Soul: The Value of Emotionally Healthy Friends ................................ 4/21/11

      Here I am, getting in my gratitudes before the day changes its name:

1. I'm thankful for spending time with a dear friend.

     He took time off of work to visit with me. That was a touching gesture: niiiiiiice, but unexpected.  I was not aware how he made the time for our visit, until the end, before we parted ways. It humbles me, having friends like him.
2. There's a joy in celebrating time together, with a kindred spirit. I was blessed to have such a time today. This friend I've known since I was twelve. See my previous post for more details.
3. I met with friends tonight. It's a regular routine. I posted this observation at another place, this week, but I'll share a paraphrase here, too.

      When I'm with supportive, safe friends, I hear others express out loud what I'm thinking inside. I'm grateful that the more I share secrets that I thought were so awful, with emotionally healthy friends, the more they are drawn to me and I to them.  I experience true intimacy. These dear ones love me unconditionally and are what I call my Balcony People. They are in the grandstands of my life, cheering my on, as I run the marathon of life.

       Life is more bearable when I experience encouragement, support, acceptance and understanding, something I have with my personal community. I drive 18 miles, to be with the friends I visit on Thursdays. I could meet with others who are a mile or five miles away, but being with this group of friends is worth the drive. It  boosts my spirit, enhances my sanity and feed my soul.

        How about the rest of you? What restores your spirit, when with friends? I'd love hearing  your thoughts on this subject, even if it's months later.  What do ya say?

Compassion: Focusing on Our Loved One's Feelings and Needs 4/10/11

"If we want to be compassionate we must be conscious of the words we use. We Must both speak and listen from the heart." 

********************************************* 

When we keep the spotlight on the other person's feelings and needs, we support their personal growth. Their motivations will come from a desire to connect rather than to please others, being rewarded or avoid criticism.  

We also support others in evaluating for themselves how well they are meeting their needs, rather than encouraging that they look to others for their evaluation. 

Celebrating successes is an opportunity to connect with another. Instead of offering an evaluation such as "Great Job" or "You're smart," empathize with the feelings and needs that are met for the person you're relating with: "Are you glad because you solved the problem?"        

                     Marshall B. Rosenberg

                              ****************************

      Let me know what you think about this quote.  I agree with Rosenberg's focus on getting away from judgment, even when it's positive, like praise.  
      What ways do you have in encouraging others?  Do you like it when someone says, "Good job," to you? Is it just me being finicky? But when someone says that to me, often I feel as if they've put themselves in a one up position with me, something that I don't like, nor asked them to do. 
      Thank you for dropping by.  May God bless you during what could be a busy week, if we lose our focus.
      The guy from the Left Coast,