Banana Pancakes: An Opportunity to Transcend Unhealthy Legacies

      Good afternoon, everyone.

A happy new week to each of you.  I'm happy to announce this inn is
improving. We have another person on staff. He has contributed so

Upgrading My Community of Friends, Acknowledging My Son's Abilities

    Hi everyone, here I am again,

 This is that special time when the day changes it's name. By now, you know this is when new entries for this inn of encouragement, reflection and thanks pour forth, fresh from the little dances my fingers do upon my keyboard.
    Today, I got rest, publicly challenged a local writer, supped and spent time with my son.
My Gratitudes for Tuesday: 
1. I got a normal evening of sleep. This has been difficult lately, something I'm working on.  I'm thankful for balance in my life and a long-term perspective. I know I live more fully when I treat my body with the respect it deserves.
2. My community of friends is growing---the good news is that it's a continual upgrade.  As I continue to grow, my taste in companions is refining.  I'm happy that I'm relating with others who enjoy great discussions, challenge my mind, are considerate, spiritual, love nature, exercise, stay in the solution and have a sense of humor.

    Someone wanted my support. She struggles with her past. After a brief conversation I realized she really doesn't want to move beyond her history. What a sad state that is. She's comfortable with moaning and groaning, not wanting to do the work necessary to see progress.
    Too bad.
    Coming to terms with our issues and letting go of them does not deny they've happened. But it allows us to put them where they belong---in our past. This allows us to move forward unencumbered by the weight of ancient emotions.
     I prefer staying in the solution. Every time I use healthy alternative to overcome areas where I struggle, I allow myself to create a better today. Now, that's more like it! Don't you agree?
     So, I gave this woman a pass.
     It's important remembering that we want to care about, but not for others. Click here for more on that. Unfortunately, some people need to experience the consequences of self-sabotaging behavior before becoming motivated to move on,  using more constructive ways to overcome their pain.
      It helps being mindful that I am the average of the five people that I hang out with.
3. I had fun writing something in a local paper. I disagreed with a columnist. I held my ground. I stood against the sarcasm and judgment he had towards a public figure, Ozzie Guillen, the manager of the Miami Marlins baseball team.
    He replied, publicly in the paper. I still disagree with his position. I find sarcasm is not necessary. It's better to state our needs than to indirectly get them at the expense of a person's dignity, by putting them down, calling them a moron. You can click on the link above to see my comments.
4. Time with my oldest son.
    Wonderful, inspiring, happy and helped was I, during our time shared. At length we discussed his work. Afterwards, we did marketing work on my business, using his expertise.
     Each time we're together, I see him pulling further and further into the realm of adulthood. His life is intense, he's excelling in his career and he's a wise man. How could I not have an attitude of gratitude??
At times, tonight, in a good way, it was a positive battle/interchange between two Pablos.
     I enjoy the way his expertise challenges me. When we parted, I hugged him and  told him, as much as I hated to admit it----being a former cross-country runner, wrestler, and track athlete in school and still competitive----- that he can do things that I can't.  That put a big smile on his face. :)  I'm glad.
     Thank you for dropping by. I hope life is treating you well.  Remember to keep looking up. You are loved and loveable.  We want to remember to thank those who are our Balcony People. The following is one description about these important members of our community of friends.

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”          — Albert Schweitzer

Related Posts: 
Balcony People
Restoring What The Years That The Locust Have Eaten
Seeing My Son Soar

Taking Care of Self: Detaching With Love From an Abusive Person

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the
 charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” — Marcel Proust 

     Good evening,
How was your Saturday? Mine was fine. It was busy, relaxing, intoxicating, invigorating, challenging and tiring. Other than that,

Getting Out of the Way, Seeing My Son Soar............... 9/16/11

A stunt kite. The type I use. On the west end of the
 island where I live, I can fly a kite daily. It has
two strings, making this airborne item controllable
and plenty of fun.  It's one way I decompress. 

      It is easy, getting enmeshed with others.

      We rescue them from their problems and drama.  It is a common way of ignoring our issues.  Focusing on the needs of others distracts us from facing our disturb-

Defensive Hope, Not a Good Deal, It Ensures Disappointment 7/8/11

     The following quote is from page 97, Safe People, by the authors, Drs. Cloud and Townsend, published by Zondervan

        Defensive hope is hope that [we think] protects us against grief and sadness.  

       Sometimes simply hoping a person will change keeps us from the pain that we need to face.  Hu-mans are incredible optimists. Especially when it comes to destructive relationships.  For some rea-son we think that a person who is hurtful, irrespon-sible or out of control, abusive, or dishonest is going to change.  All we have to do is love them correctly or more or enough. We think that if we just let them know about their mistakes or cry the blues, or get angry, they will change. 

     In short, we have hope. But it is a hope that disap-points. In this scenar-io we use hope to de-fend our-selves against facing the truth about someone we love. We don't want to go through the sadness of realizing that they probably aren't going to change. We don't want to accept the reality about who they are.  So, we hope, not wanting to face reality. 

        Usually this kind of hope did not start in our cur-rent relationship.  We usually have an old pattern of not facing grief and disappointments in many past relation-ships, dating back to childhood.  (Emphasis, mine.)

        Facing sadness is difficult.  It places the respon-sibility of change on us, instead of hoping that un-safe person is going to change.  We have to learn to not expect that he will change.  We have to make other friends.  We need to adapt to a nonfulfillng marriage.  

        We want the courage to set limits and conse-quences.  We will want to make many more tough choices that may change our relationships.

        Yes, hope is easier in the beginning.  In the end it is more difficult. Not facing reality is to stay stuck and to get more of the same in the future. Defensive hope is one of the biggest reasons that we allow de-struction to continue in life.

        Looking at reality helps us thrive.  When we do, we get emotion-ally healthier.

       Grieving proves to be a critical step for healing.   A big part of ac-ceptance: mourning, connecting at the sensory-motor level with what transpires within us.  We do this to overcome the effects of the trauma.

       Sanity involves letting go of fantasies.  We become realistic in how we see our circumstances.  We start experiencing the reality of our feelings. 

       Sanity requires moving beyond inadequate coping strategies.

       This required step allows us to transcend our circumstances, un-healthy relationships, or disturbing feelings.   Seeing life realisti-cally demonstrates self-compassion.  We become rooted in our inner selves.

        This defines being present, not triggered by the drama surrounding us.  We do not ignore what our intuitive self declares to our conscious self.  (See Footnote 1)

       Acceptance from a recovery perspective becomes the first step towards thinking differently.  We see the landscape of our life.  We determine what we can do to surmount our difficulties.  

       This form of acceptance empowers us.  We see our options.  We are not helpless, hopeless victims. 

      

       We move beyond being stuck.

       This approach is active.  It is the exact opposite of accep-tance with resignation, which is passivity. We move beyond painful emotions and the difficulties challenging us. Acceptance with recovery creates a better today.

"Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves that could restore us to sanity."                            Step Two

         We overcome false beliefs that life improves if we wait.  Not true.  This often happens with fantasies we have about unhealthy people who populate our social circle.  An idealistic perspective pre-vents us from seeing life or difficult others clearly, with discernment.

         We enjoy a realistic view of life when using Step Two in Recovery.

         This step heals.  As we move from victims to individuals making healthier choices, we take back control of our lives.  We are staying in the solution, moving forward. (See footnote. 2)
       

       The quoted passage by Cloud and Town-send is also true with our circumstances.  We may fantasize about them.  We may not want to face the truth.  Again, facing disappointment is important if our lives are to improve.

      After grieving, we let go.  We decide what to do next.  We consider our healthiest, most constructive options.  

        When we make peace with our reality, we'll have a greater Atti-tude of Gratitude to complement the increasing sanity and serenity we enjoy.

My Gratitudes:
1. My work is satisfying.

      I love what I do.  No two days are the same.  I contribute to the positive well-being of the world.  How could I not have an Attitude of Gratitude?

      I'm moved when others get more out of life because of my work.  I celebrate the purpose my life holds.

2. I grateful others appreciate my efforts.

      I get plenty of that.  It's wonderful that clients value the work I do.  Not that I need appreciation to have serenity. 1 (Footnote below)
3. I value each comment visitors write. It builds the community we enjoy here.
4. I'm thankful for each person who drops by.  It's nice having you here. It makes the work I do here as the innkeeper worthwhile.
How About You? 
1.  What losses have you been grieving regarding a relationship?
2.  What are some tough choices that you are making?
3.  In what ways have you been facing reality lately?

Footnotes

1. "If  I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and value my own judgment, then the approval of others will be enjoyable, but no longer no longer essential to my serenity. Just for today, I will appreciate myself.  

    "I will not look to others s for approval; I will provide it for myself. I'll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough."
                Courage to Change, p. 9

2. "Focusing on ourselves doesn't mean we let other people walk all over us and pretend not to notice, or that whatever others do is acceptable.  Nor does it imply that we should stop caring about our loved ones.  Focusing on ourselves simply means that when we acknowledge the situation as it is, we look at our options instead of looking at the options available to other people.  

     "We consider what is within our power to change instead of expecting others to do the changing. As a result, problems have a better chance of getting solved, and we lead more manageable lives."   Courage to Change, p. 359

      Our life becomes somewhat more manageable ("have a better chance") because we do have some control over how we choose to live our lives.  I say "some" because our character defects get in our way, even here, as we attempt to transcend our errant ideals, past history, and pain. This points to the value of having Balcony People.

       For more information about them, you can read here. Have a great and grateful day!

Image: Cumbria: Dervent and Skiddaw  by Tim Blessed © all rights reserved, used by permission

Letting Go & Letting God II (And, Today Is a Special Day!) 6/13/11

"Everything on Earth is woven together in an intricate connection-the choices of nations, the actions of world leaders, the state of nature and the environment, the choices of individuals. How all these factors connect and move together affects the course of history. We all have a role to play, what we do makes a difference; it matters. Everybody counts!" (The photographer's caption for this picture.)

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      Hello, to the readers from Germany and Malaysia, thanks for dropping by.
I hope all visitors of this inn are having a great day, I know I am.  May I offer you tea? This is a special day. Today is our third month anniversary, this blog is but a baby!