Monday, October 6

Freedom From Fearful Fantasies That Prevent Dynamic Living 10/6/14

     I love the pro-gress I see with most clients. They are handling a tyrant that lives within.  A dicta-tor, their default mode is.  He us-ually shows up when they are stressed.

    Clients are gain-ing freedom from false fantasies.  Illusions develop-ed in the past---as children---often cloud their per-ceptions of present-day real-ity. It is tinctured by the drama-filled perspective of childhood.

     The behavior of many people reveals these phantoms are every-where.  Life reeks of them.  Unaddressed, they poison our soul. They hamper confidence.  Success will be crippled.

     To enjoy recovery, phantoms of fear must be faced and confronted.
 If we want to overcome passivity or a negative outlook.  It is dan-gerous dwelling within our head.  Especially if false assumptions and paralyzing outdated beliefs suck out whatever courage we have.

      Yielding to them, our relapses will be many.  Our growth will be sparse.

"The damage done in childhood cannot be undone, since we can-not change anything in our past. We can, however, change ourselves. 

"We can repair ourselves, gaining our lost integrity by choosing to look closely at the knowledge stored inside our bodies, bringing this knowledge closer to our awareness. This path is not easy.  But it is the only route to leaving behind the cruel, invisible prison of [the abusive aspects of] our childhood."                               Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child, The Search for the True Self,  2. 

     Ignoring the past is to not see how it frequently influences present actions.  The shadow of the past will continue haunting our present lives, whether we are aware of its impact or not.  It is living from the perspective of our wounded childish selves, not aware that this reality of youth no longer exists.
"[It is] living in their repres-sed childhood situation.... They are continuing to fear and avoid dangers that, al-though once real, have not been real for a long time."              Drama, 2. 
      I help clients learn how to stay present.  They use the strength and principles learned from sessions. Their adult, stronger self stays with the vulnerable little self.  They comfort the child within.  When this happens, it often the first time this little one has received comfort dur-ing a time of stress.

     I love the work I do.  I thought I'd give you a window into its nature.


My Gratitudes for Today: 
1.  I love taking care of me, something I didn't do for decades.  It is critical tending to the little guy who lives within me.  I'm letting him have fun, too.
2.  I was present with someone, expressing my voice, hurts and values.  There was no effort at manipulating the outcome.  I tried discovering
it, instead.
3.  I love the clarity of mind I have by living by healthy principles.
4.  I experienced disappointment recently.  I was hap-py seeing my reaction: none. I did not react. I respond-ed.  Key to happiness is learning it is our job, dealing with life's disappointments.  It is not anyone else's.  No one can make me happy, sad, angry, fearful or any other feeling without me giving them permission to do so. (Paths to Recovery, p 13, penultimate paragraph.)

      My feelings are my respon-sibility.  Other people's emo-tions are theirs.  And never shall the twain intersect.

      That only happens when I am boundaryless.  Or if I am co-dependent.  I am neither.

       I am responsive to, but not responsible for the feelings of others.  I take responsibility for my feelings.

How About You?
    What are your three gratitudes for today?  You heard mine.  When you post comments here, you add to the community we share. 


Superman said...

Dear Innkeeper,
Such a powerful topic. This topic has resonated with me all week. How do I see this woundedness, this inner child that was coerced into powerlessness? I learned this week that just a few seconds of taking care of this child, as if having a conversation with one of my own children while sitting on my lap.
These small moments of seeing should be celebrated, and I have!
I realized that this little, angry guy inside has dictated my life so much, that when I do try to take care of it, it feels like some sort of death, a shedding. Or perhaps just simply being me (my grown up self), living in the present is just something that just takes time getting used to?
It takes a lot of courage it seems, I must admit, but I will keep taking baby steps.

Thank you!

Pablo said...

Dear Tony,

Yes, in this post I address a powerful and relevant topic. Freedom from the tyranny of an abusive past is possible, when placing healthy principles above the fearful, weak parts of our personality and enjoying the support of emotionally mature friends.

So often I want to say, and won't, "I am sad seeing you chained to your past" when listening to others reciting, in detail, woes of long ago.

"Acting like a victim is a choice, not a destiny." For us to grow, we must move beyond what has scarred us, applying actions that enable us to stay in the solution. Whenever we apply healthy alternatives to the challenges we face---including painful memories---we are creating a better today.

It is a death. A stopping of established neuronal patterns---ways of thinking that do not serve us, but paradoxically comfort us in a perverse way. We are familiar with these old ways of coping. This behavior is an old friend we are well acquainted with. But he is not a healthy friend. In fact, he is toxic, a destroyer of happiness and hope.

Yes, it takes time getting acquainted with our new, less "victimy" self, when we operate from a recovery, Al-Anon Family Group way. But the results are far superior: we feel the enormity of our feelings without being overwhelmed by them. This is the initial step towards victory over the tyranny of our wounded self.

Pablo said...

Dear Superman/Tony,

P.S. Thank you for speaking left-handed, right hemispheric language with me. I like it, a lot. It makes my day. Really. It lets me know I am not alone, in the way I think.

Yours truly,

A Left-handed Innkeeper

Tthumper said...

Hi Pablo,

May I say what an excellent post! I am so happy that you shared this invaluable insight with all of us who get triggered by the scared child within each of us. For me, realizing that my reality as a frightened, abused nine year old is not my reality today helps me to navigate life and avoid getting triggered. Calming the "Little Tyrant" of my past is new to me, but so effective.

Pablo said...

Hi Thumper,

Thank you, for your kind words. :-> I liked writing this post. It resonates with many issues dear to me. When we are triggered, we are not being authentic. With all the bells and whistles that go off when we are not standing in our power, recovery and integrity, life is grim. Easily, we can default into a depressive or anxious mode.

I am happy you are enjoying victory over the tyranny of the past! If there is any way I can help, please let me know. That is why I am here.

What do you do, to allow the present you to overcome the "little Thumper" within? I am curious. I'd love hearing your answer. It may help other readers, too.

A curious innkeeper,
The Innkeeper.

Thumper said...

Dear Pablo,

Talking to and comforting the frightened little child inside of me helps tremendously. Using a childhood photo of myself as I am doing this is also very powerful.


Pablo said...

Dear Thumper,

Great idea, using a photo. Thanks for answering. Wishing you a terrific weekend!


Someone said...

So there is this fear that I've been dealing with for quite some time now, and I think if I can just overcome it, I can be in free from it. So I've been afraid of dogs for my whole life, ever since I was a kid, and after taking the steps in my life and realizing that not all dogs are dangerous and ferocious, that I could finally get over the fear of dogs. I would still take into consideration that, I can be cautious, but not take it too far and actually willing to accept a dogs nature and their fellow owner.

Muse said...

I am grateful for the flowers friends have sent me during my recovery from Surgery.
I am greatful for the kindness shown from a AFG member by preparing food for me while I am recovering.
I am grateful I am not triggered by a narcissistic person and accept they are a sick individual I can detach from.

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From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

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From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

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From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.