2. Defensive hope. A huge problem, a fantasy-induced way of living.
3. Fear of confronta-tion. The result of co-dependency. See number 5.
4. Developing char-acter discernment. A critical skill necess-ary for healthy, thriv-ing relationships and peace of mind.
5. Not being codependent---swallowed up by what others think of us or caught up in rescuing others. See the attached link for more about this subject. More about this in a moment.
6. Romanticizing relationships. It happens all the time, and films and TV portray the immature, unrealistic approach towards connecting emo-tionally with another.
The character of the object of our love can be overlooked. It is what we will be living with and affecting us the most. We want to be deeply aware of this critical part of their identity.
7. Assuming the victim role. Passivity. Not facing the issues in our lives needing work. For our lives to be dynamic and fulfilling, it is critical to care for ourselves, protecting ourselves from abusers.
Victims surrender their dignity.
Victims are afraid of offending. Even when this boat of the other person's personality can be a garbage barge, carrying a city's worth of judgments, blame, and shame towards them.
Passive people do not stop perpetrators from dumping this barge of emotionally damaging filth on them. Relation-ships are authentic when we speak our truth calmly, without fear, and we express our feelings and the needs beneath.
Pausing with mindfulness when in a conflict gives us the space to choose better responses. Noticing what is happening allows us to not be lost in it.
Not so, for passive people. They allow abusers to routinely pour con-demnation and criticism within the ocean of their souls. Letting this toxicity manipulate them. Victims are not proactive.
We need to get off the floor. if we feel like a doormat
This is authen-ticity. (See here for more about this.) When we are with a safe per-son, intimacy thrives, and genuine bonding occurs between two people. This leads to relationships that are present---where we experience what is.
We bond when relationships enjoy emotional safety and recipro-city. These are friendships full of vitality, and they are the connec-tions that invigorate, energize us.
We are better people when enjoying healthy relationships. Unsafe, toxic people are the opposite, and they are emotional black holes that suck life and joy out of us.
People who carry guilt will look for someone to play the guilt inducer role in their life.
[For the hungry soul, every bitter thing is sweet. That's how sick we are. We endured abuse. Now, it's a part of our nor-mality. In fact, we crave abuse because that's all we've known.]
The guilt inducer plays the martyr role, acting like his misery is the fault of the person wracked with guilt or shame.
The guilty party, in turn, is hooked into taking responsi-bility for the other person's pain, anger or disappointments or their blame. [Which is not the guilty party's responsibility, ever.] He is easily manipulated. He never feels free in the relationship.
The hook of guilt, however, lies within the person who picks the guilt inducer. She will feel as if the guilt is "put on her," or so and so "makes me feel guilty." But this thinking is a disavowal of responsibility . For someone to make us feel guilty, we have to have some part of us that gets hooked into that dynamic and agrees with the accuser and their blame.
And that dynamic is usually codependency.
Cloud, Townsend, Safe People, p 105.We want to free ourselves from manipulators. We want to realize no one can make us happy, sad, angry, experience guilt, or any other feeling without us giving them permission to do so. The following wraps up the quote above:
This is why the power to be free [from manipulators] is within us, our power. We begin to deal with our guilt [and our baggage]. We become free of the hook that guilt inducers use to control us. Safe People 105
She believes her problems are due to the behavior of oth-ers. She is unable to see her contribution to her difficulties. During sessions, I do not accept her victim mentality.
According to her, this makes her feel bad. I don't accept the guilt she tries to ply. Every time I do not take her accusations, she's star-tled.
I understand why. Ninety-six percent of the world is code-pendent. Such people are susceptible to guilt. She has never met a person who wasn't moved by her manipulation.
Until now, I am not motivated or intimidated by the guilt. Her blaming comments don't move me.
It is derived from the love they get from their Balcony People.
Resilient people embrace negative realities. They use such circum-stances to further their personal growth, and they do not have a victim mentality.
Reciprocity and emotional safety mark their relationships. Con-demnation, within or without, is given perspective.
When we are resilient, mistakes are not seen as failures. Lapses of character or fortitude are growth opportunities. We are gentle to-wards ourselves during times of loss.
When we are resilient, mistakes are not seen as failures. Lapses of character or fortitude are growth opportunities. We are gentle to-wards ourselves during times of loss.
We forgive ourselves. We are mindful of the quote by Goethe pic-tured above. We realize as much recovery we do, we will never progress beyond being human.
We maintain our integrity. We are true to our values during tough times. We maintain integrity by being honest---present---with friends.
People with recovery are loved. We are filled with grace, and emo-tionally healthy friends do not condemn us when we err.
Acceptance, not ridicule, is the norm when revealing our vulnerabilities. We are loved by our sup-portive network, and it consists of compas-sionate, gentle friends.
Be wary of those who are quick to judge. Especially those who are convinced they know our motives, and they don't.
We want to tell those riding the high horse of superiority, espe-cially those feeling this way because of assumptions, to dismount. Immediately. If they prefer to canter along in their judgments, it is best not to walk away from them.
We must run.
Safe People always care more about the relationship than any issue they have with another. Unsafe people care more about what troubles them than the relationship. Such people are toxic for our emotional safety and mental health.
Safe People confront an issue to restore the relationship and forgive. Unsafe People correct to condemn. With Safe People, we find nurturing, support.
Unsafe People are self-righteous, creating emotional toxicity with all those they relate with.
With recovery, moments of vulnerability----admitting weaknesses---are easy. We take to heart the quote pic-tured above from Goethe. We are aware of what trig-gers us, our vulnerabilities.
We mention them when they surface. This openness with others results from an accurate perspective of who we are---the definition of humility, teachability.
Recovery allows us to be transparent. Errors are seen as opportun-ities for growth. Negative generational legacies are replaced.
Condemnation once known when making a mistake is replaced with self-compassion. We are tender towards our wounds. When we err, compassion replaces self-judgment, and this is acceptance with grace.
We block our own well-being each time we base our self-worth on what we do or what others think of us. (Courage to Change, 118)
Living authentically, we reveal our characterological warts to close friends. Our flaws do not define us, and they do not show there is something wrong with us.
We maintain our integrity. We are true to our values during tough times. We maintain integrity by being honest---present---with friends.
People with recovery are loved. We are filled with grace, and emo-tionally healthy friends do not condemn us when we err.
Be wary of those who are quick to judge. Especially those who are convinced they know our motives, and they don't.
All forms of conclusions, interpretations, and assump-tions are forms of judgment."Only the spirit of a man knows the thoughts within him." I Corinthian 2:11.
We want to tell those riding the high horse of superiority, espe-cially those feeling this way because of assumptions, to dismount. Immediately. If they prefer to canter along in their judgments, it is best not to walk away from them.
We must run.
Safe People always care more about the relationship than any issue they have with another. Unsafe people care more about what troubles them than the relationship. Such people are toxic for our emotional safety and mental health.
Safe People confront an issue to restore the relationship and forgive. Unsafe People correct to condemn. With Safe People, we find nurturing, support.
With recovery, moments of vulnerability----admitting weaknesses---are easy. We take to heart the quote pic-tured above from Goethe. We are aware of what trig-gers us, our vulnerabilities.
We mention them when they surface. This openness with others results from an accurate perspective of who we are---the definition of humility, teachability.
Recovery allows us to be transparent. Errors are seen as opportun-ities for growth. Negative generational legacies are replaced.
Condemnation once known when making a mistake is replaced with self-compassion. We are tender towards our wounds. When we err, compassion replaces self-judgment, and this is acceptance with grace.
We block our own well-being each time we base our self-worth on what we do or what others think of us. (Courage to Change, 118)
Living authentically, we reveal our characterological warts to close friends. Our flaws do not define us, and they do not show there is something wrong with us.
We are simply human. We are forthright about who we are, the good and the bad.
When our vul-nerable, less-than-best parts of our-selves are loved, they can be healed and transformed. If this Hunchback por-tion of our inner self is condemned, we have a problem, and our progress will be plodding.
Our wounded parts will retreat. When this happens, growth does not occur, and the Quasimodo that lives within us remains injured and deformed.
Healing takes place when the truth is matched with loving grace. Our inner deformed self transforms into the prince or princess we yearn to be. I know this to be true.
I see this take place every day in my work. It requires effort, not excuses, and it happens when the truth is balanced with grace.
With recovery, we learn we are not loved for what we do or don't do. This is true even when we think we should have done more, try harder. It is encouraging, being loved for who we are, warts and all.
Our outlook changes when we realize who we are is good enough. We are enough, just as we are. If that isn't so in another person's eyes, that individual is unsafe and emotionally blinded, not us.
If a person is falsely accused, boundaries and recovery allow him to not swallow the poison of shame proffered by the accuser. Guilt mon-gers no longer manipulate an internally referented person, and the unsafe accuser needs to process their inaccurate judgments.
Their criticism is a statement about their soul's dark and harmful nature.
How About You?
How do you prevent guilt from eating or manipulating you?
Our wounded parts will retreat. When this happens, growth does not occur, and the Quasimodo that lives within us remains injured and deformed.
Healing takes place when the truth is matched with loving grace. Our inner deformed self transforms into the prince or princess we yearn to be. I know this to be true.
I see this take place every day in my work. It requires effort, not excuses, and it happens when the truth is balanced with grace.
Our outlook changes when we realize who we are is good enough. We are enough, just as we are. If that isn't so in another person's eyes, that individual is unsafe and emotionally blinded, not us.
If a person is falsely accused, boundaries and recovery allow him to not swallow the poison of shame proffered by the accuser. Guilt mon-gers no longer manipulate an internally referented person, and the unsafe accuser needs to process their inaccurate judgments.
Their criticism is a statement about their soul's dark and harmful nature.
How About You?
How do you prevent guilt from eating or manipulating you?
Posts
