A Helpful Thermometer of People's Character 9/4/17

Now they are lemon flavored, not lime

   The other day I spoke with some-one.

    Not using discre-tion, and being unwise, I said something that made her feel awk-ward. (I bet you would like to know).  She stopped me.

     "I want to be

Being Authentic, the Distasteful Qualities of Being Controlling........ 6/25/14

      More than two months ago, I wrote about authenticity, versus being controlling.  I'll say more, tonight.  Control patterns arise whenever we are fearful about being:

Boundary Practice: Dodging a Raging Bull..................... 9/4/13

"For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty
 seconds of peace of mind."      Ralph Waldo Emerson. 

 "When you are angry or frustrated, what comes out? What-ever it is, it's a good indica-tion of what you are made of.   H. Jackson Brown 

        Saturday evening, I dodged a raging bull.

       I did this calmly.  I even had presence of mind.  I came across this angry person while registering for the event at the front door.
  
      I hadn't seen her for two years.  "Why," she asked, "did you stop attending the meeting on Tuesday nights?"  I let her in on my reason.  

       Two and a half hours later, after the event was over, this woman stood behind a friend I was speaking to, giving intense eye contact.

        When I finished the conversation, this woman, coiffed in a Mohawk hairdo tried---several times---to intimidate.  She wanted to scold.  My was that interesting.

        She found fault with what I said when I bumped into her, earlier.

        The katas provided through years of training in nonviolent com-munication helped me maintain my equanimity.  I responded, without reacting.  I let her know I disagreed. 

        She was apoplectic, when I told her, "I never gave you permission to judge me.  I want you to stop.   We only do our own inventory."  This she knows.  

        She's attended Al-Anon Family Groups for two years and three months.  

        She had been working this program with a sponsor, my recent former girlfriend.   I continued, "You do not do my inventory.  This is not how we do things in Al-Anon."  That is, a rundown of what was wrong with me. 

        She wanted to correct me because of my comment earlier that night.  She did not like my answer when I told her why I no longer attended the meeting on Tuesday nights.   

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."     Ambrose Bierce 

        Her eyes tried piercing my serenity.  She exasperatingly and loudly  blurted, "I'm only expressing my feelings!!"  She declared this in the midst of Saturday's event, bustling with people.  The majority of them have suffered because of their relationship with bombastic people, mainly alcoholics.

          People with her personality.

         Ah, that was a misstep.  She said this to someone who knew emotional and verbal aikido.

         My friends chatted a foot and a half away.  Behind her, they stood.  They faced one another in a circle, chatting away, sharing their reaction to the inspiring speakers featured on this night. 

         Little did they know about the drama unfolding three feet away.  I gently smiled at my accuser. Her behavior had no impact on me.  

         I faced them, feeling calm, even while encountering a raging bull.  "What would Christ, or the Dalai Lama do, in a similar occasion?" my thought.

        Back to the drama on Dowling Street, in San Leandro........

        "Please, express your feelings. That is not what you are do-ing now.  You are judging. 

        You're making a statement about my behavior.  That is not expressing emotions."  She could not reply, being dumbfounded.  Her mouth agape, the smoke emitting from her ears stopped. 

        "I'm not in agreement with you," I continued. "I do not like your parental tone.  We are equals. 

       "I can listen to you when we both speak like adults, not you acting like an angry parent, speaking to a naughty child.  I'm not that and won't tolerate it."

         We get what we tolerate.  Every adult has a right to dis-agree.  Only little children not making sense are prohibited from disagreeing with adults. 

         I added, "Thank you for sharing. What you've said allows me to know your values and your worldview.  This conversation is over." 

         She huffily replied, "Thank you for letting me share." 

         "You're welcome," I replied. 

          And that was that.  

            I was none the worse for emotional wear.  I took two and a half steps forward, rejoining my circle of friends with a smile.  They had no clue that enduring a tempest with an angry person just took place. 

      Some principles fixed in my mind while making like a bullfighter that night: 

 Our feelings, whether good or bad, are our property. They fall within our boundaries.  Our feelings are our responsibility.

 

Others' feelings are theirs. If other people feel sad, it is their sadness. This does not mean that they do not need someone else to be with them in their sadness and to empathize with them.  

 

It does mean the person who is feeling sad [or angry] must take responsibility for that feeling. Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992) 123

Also,

If we feel responsible for others people's dis-pleasure, we are being controlled by others, not by God [or our principles]. This is a basic bound-ary disturbance..... If self-centered people are angry at you, it means you are learning to say no to evil.  

 

If mean people are displeased with you, it means that you are standing up to abuse..... If your parents do not like the decisions that you as an adult feel God has led you to make, it means you are growing up.                                                               Changes, 123

       We don't want to put another person's anger in control of our lives.  Heavens, that's codependency , something most people do, unfortunately.  

Gratitudes We Can Have: 

1.  Emotional matur-ity feels like spending the day at Disneyland with old friends.  It takes place when we replace vulnerable, deficient areas in our souls with healthier principles.

     In Saturday's case, one stabilizing princi-ple was that we are equal with every other adult on this planet. When this anger-filled person tried chiding me, I took her behavior for what it was: unacceptable.  I deserve greater respect than that, regardless of her percep-tions. 

     We don't want to accept blame, shame, guilt, fear or judgment when rela-ting with others.  They are forms of life-alienating communication. 

2.  We don't accept unacceptable behavior.  Others do not define us nor determine our moods. 

3.  We can be trained like Navy Seal.  A different type, however.  When the bullets of accusations, rage, or condescension fly our way, we can know what to do.  The danger is noted.

     As it approaches, we deflect it.  We do not allow the tempest coming our way to disturb our peace of mind. At the same time, we have no desire to hurt the angry person.  

     When the bullets of personal attacks appear, we respond, using recovery principles to shield us.  We don't react.

   

      Every time we practice boundaries, we get strong-er.  It becomes easier to do.  At first, we may be a bit clumsy.  We may not know how to assert ourselves.

     This weekend that wasn't a problem.  I am well-prac-ticed. 

      Assertiveness is like learning a new tune on a musical instrument.  It's awkward, at first. With practice, it gets easier. We get smoother.

       Eventually, we have finger memory.  We don't even have to think while performing. 

      Same holds true for saying our no as gently as our yes.  (Courage to Change,  Virginia Beach, Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters, 1992, p 104.)  This is also true when we do not allow pleasing others to be our default mode.  It is in our best mental and emotional interest to consider our feelings, needs, and behavior, when we are in a relational drama.  (Courage, p. 359.)

      That's being internally referented. 

4.  We can have peace of mind.  This increasingly becomes a part of our lives when we do not base our self-worth on what we do.  Nor does it consist of what others think of us. 

5. "When the ap-plause of others is the reason for my behavior and ne-cessary for me to feel good about myself,  then I have given them power over me." Courage to Change, p. 9.

     We don't need approval to vali-date ourselves. 

6.  When an angry person confronts us, we can say what we mean, mean what we say,  but not say it meanly.  It feels satisfying when we know what to say when confronted. 

7.  We help ourselves when we surround ourselves with good friends.  We want to focus on them.  From them, we know love and know we are lovable.

     Being grounded this way strengthens us.  It replaces codependency and places steel in our soul.  It helps us to not be as shaken by unruly others.

      If others have a bad day, as in Saturday's case, when this woman confront-ed me, we don't take it personally.  Their negative behavior reflects their char-acter, not ours.

8.  I appreciate this truth: 

"Acting like a victim is a    choice, not a destiny."                   Hope for Today, p 189

9.  Rejoice, our character can continue to grow.  That happens when we stay in the solution.  When unpleasant people are upset with us, we want to remember the quote by Henry Cloud.  We are stand-ing up to abuse.

 10.  We want to have compassion for people like the woman who confronted me on Saturday.  They allow us to practice bound-aries.  They give us a stronger appreciation for friends.

        Someone’s mental state plays a huge role in their physical health.  If someone’s making life difficult for people around them, you can be sure they’re doing worse to themselves.

How About You? 

 What have you learned over the past year that helps you keep your poise when relating to an angry person?

Related Post:
Relating with Emotional Vampres

Expressing Our Voice, Not Allowing Others to Determine Our Moods or Values ....................8/27/13

Good late evening, everyone.

Today nurtured my soul; I had hours alone, studying and writing.  Aah!  Solitude helps me get my bearings.  I've been alone but never lonely, not since I was fourteen.

        We feel the pangs of loneliness when we are not at peace with ourselves and when we are not experiencing community, that is, connecting on an emotional level, with another.  Sharing our deepest thoughts, dreams and feelings with another, with no fear of rejection provides us the emotional constancy--the security--we need.

       I'm improving in my dealings with

A Spiritual Practice: Exercising Grace While Communicating 5/22/13

        I went to an Al-Anon Family Group (AFG) meeting.  This is not Alcoholics Anonymous.  Check the provided link for more information and greater clarity about AFG.

        AFG serves friends and family members of alcoholics.  At its gatherings, a person finds support and principles for the struggles encountered when relating with a problemed drinker. Members learn how to take care of themselves.  They discover the skill of detaching with love from drama.   It is an emotional and mental life saver.

Staying In the Solution
        The organization is not a place for dumping and running----pouring out our problems on attendees. That is not working the Al-Anon program.  Take a listen to this passage from One Day at A Time:

When I started in Al-Anon, I thought of meetings only as a place where I could unburden myself of my troubles.  But I soon learned that complaining about our oppressions and indignities only makes them loom larger and more disturbing.  

This became clear to me when I heard other members monopolize the  time and the attention of the group with indignant, woeful recitals of the alcoholic's misbehavior.  I see this was not "working the Al-Anon program." [emphasis, mine] I am learning to put the shortcomings of others out of my mind and think constructively about putting [recovery] ideas to work in my life. 

I [grow in my personal recovery] to get rid of self-pity and resentment, not to increase their power to destroy me. I go to learn how others have dealt with their problems, so I can apply this wisdom to my own life.   

"I ask God to keep me from magnifying my troubles by harping on them continually." 

Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters Inc, One Day At Time In Al-Anon, Virginia Beach, 2000, 75

       This passage was written by Ann B., co-founder of Al-Anon Family Groups.  It reflects the nature of this program.  Unfortunately, harping occurred tonight, by someone new to this meeting.

Focusing On Principles, Not Other Programs

         On top of that, another person mentioned stuff that Al-Anon does not allow.  She talked about her therapy.  That's not helpful.

         This is not sharing our Al-Anon story.  When attending AFG, we speak Al-Anon.

The relatives [and friends]when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation (italics mine).  The only require-ment for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.                                                 Tradition Three of Al-Anon Family Groups

This tradition helps us to guard against the confu-sion that results when we allow our program to be diluted. Al-Anon's Twelve Steps and Traditions, (New York: Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters, Inc., 1981) 99

Tradition Three explains two ways in which my Al-Anon Friends and I can "keep it simple."  One is to avoid being diverted from our program by others and two, is to welcome into Al-Anon Family Groups, anyone who is suffering from the effects of another's alcoholism.  Both are perfectly clear.  They give me an answer to those who think it would help if the group were to concentrate on problems which are not related to alcoholism, or, mistakenly feel a new-comer should be rejected when, actually, he or she does meet the condition for membership.                     Al-Anon's Twelve Steps and Traditions, 101. 

      After the meeting, I spoke with the person who discussed her therapy.  My concerns were expressed respectfully.  Gently, I shared.

      I requested adherence to Tradition Three.  "I understand," she said.  I'm thankful.

      Her response allows the group to maintain integrity with basic Al-Anon principles.  I'm grateful for the open communication and understanding we shared.  I expressed my needs.

      Her reaction was not my focus.  If it was, I would have been manipulative.  Instead, I shared what was alive in me, what troubled me.

      I'm grateful she understood what troubled me. (Courage to Change, p. 310)

Life Is Our Spiritual Practice
      I see attending tonight's meeting was a spiritual practice.  Even though weary---physically from my all-day adventure cycling in Yosemite yesterday, and my lack of sleep, operating on four hours of sleep, for two days in a row---I practiced patience. .

      Many times, during a conflict I could act out and be petulant.  I could rationalize it is my right when offended.  However, it would not be in my best interests.  While it might feel good for the few seconds,  the results are typically disastrous in the long term.

      I'm thankful for placing principles above my personality, and the positive results derived when I govern my feelings. 

Facing Unpleasantness 5/1/13

     Good morning,

I bedded early last night and now, here I am, welcoming the month of May, starting it with a challenge.  Today is the day.  It is here.  I am not looking forward to what will happen, even though it was an eventuality.

     Thanks for keeping me company, I appreciate your visits, today, especially.  A month-and-a-half ago, I was sucker punched---emotionally.  You can read more about it here and particularly this post.  At 12:00 noon, I'm facing

Not Allowing Others To Define Who We Are ......6/13/12 400th post

Gratitude is the fairest blossom
 which springs from the soul.
Henry Ward Beecher

       Here I am, again. And, am I glad! This entry is a milestone. I like milestones. I'm a milestone type of guy. You'll find why, in my

I'm In An Area of Growth ................................6/7/12

Image: "Field and Country: New Wheat" by Tim Blessed.
 All rights reserved. Copyrighted material. 

       How are you?

This is an unusual time for me to post. A moment is available and I want to check in. The body is feeling a bit better. For those who don't know, my back has been in constant pain for several days.

        An interaction I had with someone recently left me not happy.  Needs for courtesy, respect, safety and celebration weren't met.  As I frequently point out in this inn, I prefer responding, rather than reacting to life. Reacting allows the jackal within me to have its day.  Never a good idea.

        I have zero interest in

Maintaining Integrity: Freedom From the Pressure of Others. ...............................2/15/12

      Good evening, 
I've lost my BlueTooth. Ugh. I realized today it happened on my bike ride on Sunday. I almost will die without it. 
      In the last couple of days I also lost two books. I've been studying it in depth for the past four months. Darn it. I've put in a lot of

Not Allowing Others to Determine Our Moods or Define Who We Are (Getting Healthier by Being Internally Referented.) ..... ..................6/1/11

         Good late evening, everyone.
Today's topic in just a minute----it follows the gratitudes listed below. Today was good. I met with a friend. Afterwards, I had hours alone to study and write. Ahh!  Having time alone is wonderful; I've been alone but never lonely. We are lonely when we cease to be at peace with ourselves.

       I'm improving in my dealings with

Getting Work Done, Boundaries, Freedom from Pretense

      What a wonderful Wednesday this was!
The weather was fabulous. Now is the time when I frequently post gratitudes; while it is still this day, minutes away from tomorrow. As you will read below, there are many things for which we can be grateful. It's not really hard to think of some.

      If you're stumped, try using the alphabetical approach: I'm grateful for air, I love the sound of babies laughing, as their parents blow on their bellies and beautiful flowers.  I'm thankful for cars and cats.  You get the idea.

Emotional Safety: Using Verbal Aikido: Taking Care of Self (Not letting others trigger our vulnerabilities.) ..4/27/1

      How is everyone? I'm glad seeing visitors from Malaysia, Iran, Brazil, Russia and Singapore dropping by. Today, we have newcomers from Australia. Welcome!. I'd enjoy hearing your gratitudes. The number of visitors from Malaysia have grown over the past week. Happy to see you here; I'm glad that this inn meets your needs. Of course, I'm glad to know that my friends from Canada and the U.S. also visit this inn, too.

Taking Care of Ourselves 

       I just got in. I spoke this evening on growing in our personal power and integrity versus whining. Afterwards, I spent time with friends who showed up to hear my talk.  The time in a cafe with them reminded me of my collegiate days. I sipped on steamed milk while taking part in an animated conversation with a woman that encompassed the subject of her unfaithful boyfriends, death, sociopathy and using verbal Aikido.