Tuesday, August 27

Expressing Our Voice, Not Allowing Others to Determine Our Moods or Values ....................8/27/13

Good late evening, everyone.

Today nurtured my soul; I had hours alone, studying and writing.  Aah!  Solitude helps me get my bearings.  I've been alone but never lonely, not since I was fourteen.

        We feel the pangs of loneliness when we are not at peace with ourselves and when we are not experiencing community, that is, connecting on an emotional level, with another.  Sharing our deepest thoughts, dreams and feelings with another, with no fear of rejection provides us the emotional constancy--the security--we need.

       I'm improving in my dealings with
difficult others.  Lately, I've had plenty of opportunities to practice patience and grace while relating with emotionally bullies.  Now, I see humor in situations that, at one time, would have had me shaking with fear or filled with dread.

      My circumstances haven't changed.  I've changed.
"Maybe this time we’ll be able to laugh and choose joy. Maybe we won’t let the circumstances of our lives dominate our moods."                         Mary DeMuth 
Not Allowing Others to Define Us
Not Being Internally Referented

    We discover relief, when we don't allow others to determine our moods or define us.  When that happens, we no longer tolerate being put in a childlike role, a one-down position.  We stop apologizing for being ourselves.  If someone doesn't like who we are, that's fine; the world does not revolve around us.  They can relate with someone else, not us, because we aren't changing.  We remain true to our values. 

        Freedom from the tyranny of approval is harder, emotionally, than it sounds.  Being an adult means we can and should disagree when we see things differently.   Doing so invigorates us and frees us from being in a one down position.  I know it's easy to default to a child-like state, when confronted.  But, only a child is not allowed to disagree, when its judgment is deemed by adults as faulty. 

        But, we are not children.  

        Loyalty to our values enables our spirit to become uncaged from timidity and codependency.  Our authentic self stretches its wings, and sings, letting the world know its presence by exercising its boundaries.  Relating, as equals, with authority figures, angry, intimidating people, older adult siblings---or even parents---is owning the dignity we deserve and expressing our voice.  When we stand up for ourselves, we do wonders for our self-esteem, not to mention the healing power assertion has for any lingering depression that may haunt us.  Depression is an idiot light on our emotional dashboard that tells us we are either neglecting or betraying our needs and/or boundaries. 

       Shame, guilt, blame, judgment or anger, may have motivated us, once.  Now, valuing our own opinions, we have no use for these distasteful methods that at one time subdued and dominated us.  These forms of manipulation are seen for what they are----emotional coercion, which is a form of violence. 

        Relationships are satisfying when we remain true to ourselves.  Doing an inventory of our values and maintaining boundaries makes this possible.  Having clearly thought out principles are important,  the vitality of our sanity depends upon them, whether others agree or not.  Our standards, allow us to be us and, it's best when they precede our attachments with others.  Placing these principles above personalities, ours----the vulnerable parts of us, our passive default mode, where we cave in to others, if we are not careful---and that of others, helps us to maintain our dignity and integrity.  We are less likely moved by the reactions others.

        Clearly knowing our "must haves" and "can't stands" helps us to be honest.  Biting our lip, due to saying yes, when we really wanted to say no, slowly becomes a thing of the past, reducing our resentment, anger and frustration. 

       Our values lets us be internally referented (yes, that is a word). You can read more about this subject here.  Living consistent with our needs, feelings gives us the freedom to be ourselves; we express our opinions; we are proud with our sense of self. 
With the help of a loving mentor and the support of [friends], I'm learning to find my place in the world----a place where I an live with dignity and self-respect. 
  'I exist as I am, that is enough, if no other in the world be aware, I sit content, and if each all be aware, I sit content.'
     Of course, being courteous is important.  But, being respectful isn't surrendering treasured principles, during disagreements.  It simply means we say our "no" as gently as our yes, and we do so, with kindness and gentleness. 
"When we need the applause of others to feel good about ourselves, we've given them power over us." 
              Courage to Change, p 9
      We don't want that, do we?  I didn't think so. 

Gratitudes for Tuesday, 8/27/13: 
1. Rejuvenated after taking a four hour nap this evening. 
2. I was encouraged by how I responded, after discovering I lost my phone, today.  I was gentle towards myself, even though it was an expensive mistake, absent-mindedly leaving it at the library.  
3.  Retracing my steps, I approached high school students who were near where I left it, asking if they had seen it.  
      Those with iPods politely pulled them out, to hear me, others were considerate and kind, while I mentioned my problem.  It was interesting noting the calmness I felt during this unpleasant moment, when it dawned on me, my costly and inconvenient loss.  Their sensitivity and the respect they demonstrated gave me hope for their generation. 
4.  I recovered my phone. Only in Alameda. Someone turned it in, to a librarian. Ya ay!
How About You? 
1.  What are important values---boundaries---for you? 
2.  What helps you to relate with others, including authority figures, as equals?
3.  How do you respond when you experience disapproval from others?
  I'd love hearing your answers. 
Related Post

Maintaining Our Values In Spite of Pressures from Others 

Image: "Countryside: Evening Sun" by Tim Blessed.  Copyrighted photo. Used by permission. All rights reserved. 


Carl H said...

Dear Innkeeper,

My belated Tuesday Gratitudes, on this gray, overcast Wednesday morning are;

1. That like you Pablo, I found something I'd lost this morning...my one and only, last pen. A small thing, yet important to me and to having a productive and functional day.

2. That with modern technology (and the grace of my mentor) I can post my gratitudes at 8:00 AM, a day late, while in my open floor-plan office, surrounded by my Japanese, Vietnamese, Mongolian and Latino, (linear and risk-averse, yet often delightful) fish monger colleagues, unbeknownst to them!

3. That I will be able to ride my new-to-me Giant Cypress DX hybrid bicycle around the flat, tree-lined Victorian streets and scenic, bay-side trails of Alameda this afternoon; its "maiden Island Voyage," with my trail-blazing, "Cyclonic Cycling" friend!

Theresa Elander said...

#1. I am so glad you found your phone. That is great.

My gratitudes for today:

An issue has been up for me for a while. Today I woke with a good compromise and an important insight. I am grateful that sleep often solves problems for me.

I had a great discussion with friends last evening about relationships and communication. I am grateful that I am learning some much needed new skills in communication.

I am grateful for my feline friends. I had a delightful time with them this a.m. I feel very lucky.

Pablo said...


Your diligence in posting gratitudes, even in a bustling environment, is duly noted.

How did your ride in Alameda go? Did you get tuckered out?

Thanks for posting your gratitudes!

Pablo said...

Dear Theresa,

Good to see you! Can you reveal any of your new skills in communicating? What are two things like best about your furry friends?

Thank you, for your gratitudes!

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.