Not Allowing Others to Determine Our Moods or Define Who We Are (Getting Healthier by Being Internally Referented.) ..... ..................6/1/11

         Good late evening, everyone.
Today's topic in just a minute----it follows the gratitudes listed below. Today was good. I met with a friend. Afterwards, I had hours alone to study and write. Ahh!  Having time alone is wonderful; I've been alone but never lonely. We are lonely when we cease to be at peace with ourselves.

       I'm improving in my dealings with
difficult others.  Lately, I've had plenty of opportunities to practice patience and grace while applying what I know about relating with emotionally abusive people.  Now, I see the humor in situations that, at one time, would have had me shaking with the adrenaline associated with fear.

      My circumstances haven't changed.  I've changed.  I've learned that we don't want to allow others to determine our moods or define who we are.  As Mary DeMuth says:

"Maybe this time we’ll be able to laugh and choose joy. Maybe we won’t let the circumstances of our lives dominate our moods."

I hope so. More about this, after listing my gratitudes.

Gratitudes for Today: 

1. I was treated to lunch. That's always a good deal.  I'm thankful for thoughtfulness and generosity

2. I enjoy my visits with Stuart. We got together today. He's a friend of mine; I like the way he thinks. 

3. I walked for one hour today. While doing so, I spoke with someone, using my Bluetooth.  I don't want the magnetic waves from my cell phone creating brain tumors. I'm glad I invest in my health. 

4.  I visited with my middle son this evening. We ended our time with prayer. We enjoy an in-depth friendship and terrific conversations. 

5. I'm happy I could be a support for my middle son, one of his Balcony People, this evening.
  
Not Allowing Others to Define Us
Being Internally Referented: Freedom from the Tyranny of Other People's Reactions and Opinions. 

        We enjoy freedom from stress when we don't allow others to determine our moods or define us.  When that happens, we are no longer children; we aren't permitting others to place us in a one-down position. 

       We are free from the tyranny of approval. Part of being an adult is disagreeing.  It is healthy doing so.  We are equal with every other person, even with authority figures. 

       Shame, guilt, blame, judgment or anger, may have motivated us, in the past.  Now, valuing our own opinions, these tragic methods hold less sway.  These forms of manipulation are seen for what they are----emotional coercion. 

        Relationships are satisfying when we don't allow life-alienating communication to prompt our decisions and behavior.  It helps having an inventory of our values and maintaining our boundaries. These "must haves" and "can't stands" are important, for our sanity, whether others agree with them or not.  

        Living by our standards, allows us to enjoy our power and integrity, our values now precede our attachment to others---even those we love. 

        Knowing our boundaries, by making an inventory of them, allows us to adhere to our principles. It helps prevent us from surrendering our values due to fear of rejection or the anger of others. 

      As we invest in our personal growth we get stronger, no longer moved by the reactions others.  We are more honest.  Biting our lip, due to regret, slowly becomes a thing of the past.  We experience less resentful moments caused by saying yes, when we really meant no.

      Clearly determining our values permits us to be internally referented (yes, that is a word). We now live in a way that's consistent with our needs, feelings and values. We are ourselves and enjoy expressing our opinion; we are proud of who we are. 

With the help of a loving mentor and the support of [friends], I'm learning to find my place in the world----a place where I an live with dignity and self-respect. 

  'I exist as I am, that is enough, if no other in the world be aware, I sit content, and if each all be aware, I sit content.'

     Of course, being courteous is important.  But it doesn't mean surrendering treasured principles, when someone disagrees.  It simply means we say our "no" as gently as our yes, and we do so, with kindness and gentleness. 

"When we need the applause of others to feel good about ourselves, we've given them power over us." 

          Courage to Change, p. 9

      We don't want that to happen to us, do we?  I didn't think so. 

How About You? 

1.  What are important values---boundaries---for you? 
2.  What helps you to relate with others, including authority figures, as equals?
3.  How do you respond when you experience disapproval from others?
  I'd love hearing your answers. 

Related Post

Maintaining Our Values In Spite of Pressures from Others 

Image: "Countryside: Evening Sun" by Tim Blessed.  Copyrighted photo. Used by permission. All rights reserved.