A Spiritual Practice: Exercising Grace While Communicating 5/22/13

        I went to an Al-Anon Family Group (AFG) meeting.  This is not Alcoholics Anonymous.  Check the provided link for more information and greater clarity about AFG.

        AFG serves friends and family members of alcoholics.  At its gatherings, a person finds support and principles for the struggles encountered when relating with a problemed drinker. Members learn how to take care of themselves.  They discover the skill of detaching with love from drama.   It is an emotional and mental life saver.

Staying In the Solution
        The organization is not a place for dumping and running----pouring out our problems on attendees. That is not working the Al-Anon program.  Take a listen to this passage from One Day at A Time:

When I started in Al-Anon, I thought of meetings only as a place where I could unburden myself of my troubles.  But I soon learned that complaining about our oppressions and indignities only makes them loom larger and more disturbing.  

This became clear to me when I heard other members monopolize the  time and the attention of the group with indignant, woeful recitals of the alcoholic's misbehavior.  I see this was not "working the Al-Anon program." [emphasis, mine] I am learning to put the shortcomings of others out of my mind and think constructively about putting [recovery] ideas to work in my life. 

I [grow in my personal recovery] to get rid of self-pity and resentment, not to increase their power to destroy me. I go to learn how others have dealt with their problems, so I can apply this wisdom to my own life.   

"I ask God to keep me from magnifying my troubles by harping on them continually." 

Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters Inc, One Day At Time In Al-Anon, Virginia Beach, 2000, 75

       This passage was written by Ann B., co-founder of Al-Anon Family Groups.  It reflects the nature of this program.  Unfortunately, harping occurred tonight, by someone new to this meeting.

Focusing On Principles, Not Other Programs

         On top of that, another person mentioned stuff that Al-Anon does not allow.  She talked about her therapy.  That's not helpful.

         This is not sharing our Al-Anon story.  When attending AFG, we speak Al-Anon.

The relatives [and friends]when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation (italics mine).  The only require-ment for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.                                                 Tradition Three of Al-Anon Family Groups

This tradition helps us to guard against the confu-sion that results when we allow our program to be diluted. Al-Anon's Twelve Steps and Traditions, (New York: Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters, Inc., 1981) 99

Tradition Three explains two ways in which my Al-Anon Friends and I can "keep it simple."  One is to avoid being diverted from our program by others and two, is to welcome into Al-Anon Family Groups, anyone who is suffering from the effects of another's alcoholism.  Both are perfectly clear.  They give me an answer to those who think it would help if the group were to concentrate on problems which are not related to alcoholism, or, mistakenly feel a new-comer should be rejected when, actually, he or she does meet the condition for membership.                     Al-Anon's Twelve Steps and Traditions, 101. 

      After the meeting, I spoke with the person who discussed her therapy.  My concerns were expressed respectfully.  Gently, I shared.

      I requested adherence to Tradition Three.  "I understand," she said.  I'm thankful.

      Her response allows the group to maintain integrity with basic Al-Anon principles.  I'm grateful for the open communication and understanding we shared.  I expressed my needs.

      Her reaction was not my focus.  If it was, I would have been manipulative.  Instead, I shared what was alive in me, what troubled me.

      I'm grateful she understood what troubled me. (Courage to Change, p. 310)

Life Is Our Spiritual Practice
      I see attending tonight's meeting was a spiritual practice.  Even though weary---physically from my all-day adventure cycling in Yosemite yesterday, and my lack of sleep, operating on four hours of sleep, for two days in a row---I practiced patience. .

      Many times, during a conflict I could act out and be petulant.  I could rationalize it is my right when offended.  However, it would not be in my best interests.  While it might feel good for the few seconds,  the results are typically disastrous in the long term.

      I'm thankful for placing principles above my personality, and the positive results derived when I govern my feelings.