Being An Adult: Saying No, Gently Without Fear ....... 5/18/13

     “God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one

 to say “thank you?”   William Arthur Ward. Please do so today by 

posting a gratitude. It will do you good.  

      I love seeing people grow in their awareness. Part of it involves saying no when disagreeing.

  "As we become          aware of our values, likes, dislikes,       dreams, and         choices, we be-come increas-ingly willing to risk other people's disapproval."                               Courage to Change, p. 217

        Today, I gave a talk.  I encouraged the listeners to consider their options when in the midst of drama.  Avoiding the tendency to au-tomatically accommodate remains critical for maintaining integrity with our values.

        It frees us from the snare of codependency.   Part of being an adult is disagreeing, agreeably.

        If we fear differing with others, we will be in a one-down relation-ship.  It's frustrating and disempowering yielding our values to others, out of fear.  Often, this happens because we don't want to create a stink.

         We embrace our uniqueness when we say our no as gently as our yes.
     

         Harming the relation-ship, we dread.  If someone doesn't respect our opin-ion, is that really much of a relationship?  Giving in to others, to please them, is surrendering our soul.

        Our noes define us.  They become the first boundaries used when connecting with others. The word no means we have a different priority than the person wanting something from us.

        That's all.  It does not mean we have become cruel, selfish or disrespectful. It simply states we see things differently.

        We maintain our integrity and enjoy greater emotional strength when we stand for our values. It starts when we say yes to what we want, and no to what is not consistent with our needs.

         It can affect our emotions. We can become angry or depressed, when we do not maintain integrity with what is important for us.  Not standing for what we believe can damage our mental state.

        Often it leads to negative self-judg-ments, self-blame.  The antidote is inter-nal referenting. When in a conflict, we want to determine what we want, feel, and need.

         We want to say what we feel and want. This is being present.  Not saying what we want is being controlling.  Linger over that thought for a second.

         Not standing for ourselves can affect our physical well-being.  Re-search reveals passivity may contribute towards inflammatory diseases like hives, cancer, high blood pressure, asthma, or diabetes.  Not being present damages our soul, spirit and body.

        These mala-dies often result from not exercis-ing boundaries. 

        It helps re-membering "no" is a complete sentence.  We have a right to refuse without explanation. 

       If someone becomes upset because we disagree, they want us to make decisions based upon their reaction---their personality---not principles.  This is bullying.  It helps to see that anger is a form of manipulation.

       If we surrender our values because of the intimidation of others, we reward their inappropriate and controlling behavior.  We reinforce their immaturity, selfish behavior and dominance.  When relating we want to notice intent when others connect with us.

          Do they connect with us to relate, or because they want to control us?  Relating creates intimacy and trust; control brings distance and distrust.

         Giving in, is placing their personality above our values and boun-daries.  No can do. We want to have a "we" left standing after every interaction with others.

         Our needs become met mutually. This meets our need for recipro-city, balance, and fairness.

          We want to always place principles above personalities, includ-ing our own---old default modes not serving us, like passiv-ity, fleeing or freezing.  Emotional health and safety results when  placing principles first.

         Angry responses from others violates a basic right as adults: making our own choices. There's a word when someone uses anger, blame, shame, fear or guilt to moti-vate us: manipulation. It's emotional coercion, a form of violence.
       
         Giving in to a bully is yielding to emotional slavery.  We surrender our freedom---our identity----when we do.  Often we yield because we want to keep the relationship.  Do you think that is in our best interests?

         I didn't think so.

        An angry person controls his or her life.  The bully's wants to control ours, too.  What type of relationship does that represent?

         Yes, an unfair and unbalanced relationship.  We maintain our stance and independence when we remain true to our values.

        The behavior of demanding people, bullies, lets us know they are not sensitive towards our feelings, wants or opinions.  For a fulfil-ling relationship there must be reciprocity.  With it, there is friendship.

         Without mutuality, it is anything but that.

How About You?

1. When with an emotional bully, how do you respond? 

2. What have you found to be an effective response, when you are at an impasse with someone who is emotionally charged? 

3. How do you do to maintain your serenity when confronted by others? 

I'd love hearing your answers. 

Related Posts: 

1.  Being Gentle When Expressing Our Point of View

2.  Calmness In the Eye of the Emotional Storm

3.  Relating With the Emotionally Fevered