Saturday, May 18

Being An Adult: Saying No, Gently Without Fear .......5/18/13

     “God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say “thank you?”   William Arthur Ward.    
 Please do so today by posting a gratitude. It will do you good.  

      I thought I'd bump this up, for those who might have missed when I wrote this in October, 2011.
A Big Part of Being an Adult
Saying No, Gently, Without Fear
        I love seeing people grow in their awareness.  Today, I gave a public talk.  I encouraged the listeners to consider their options when in the midst of drama.  Avoiding the tendency to automatically accommodate others is important.  It frees us from the snare of codependency.   Part of being an adult is
disagreeing, agreeably.

        If we fear differing with others, we'll often find ourselves in a one-down relationship.  It's frustrating and dis-empowering to yield our values to others.  Often we do this because we don't want to create a stink.  Harming the relationship, we fear.  If someone doesn't respect our opinion, is that really much of a relationship?

       Yielding to others, to please them, is detrimental.  It affects our emotions (we get angry or depressed),  our mental state (we can fall into self-loathing or negativity) and our physical well-being (think of getting hives, high blood pressure or strokes).

      Any of these negative consequences to our soul, spirit or body result from not exercising boundaries.  We don't know how to say our "no" as gently as our yes. It helps remembering that "no" is a complete sentence.

     If someone gets upset because we disagree, they want us to make decisions based upon their reaction, not principles.  Giving in, is placing their personality above our values.  Emotional health results when we place principles first.

      Their angry response violates a basic right we have as adults: making our own choices. There's a word when someone uses anger, blame, shame, fear or guilt to motivate us: manipulation. It's emotional coercion, a form of violence.  Giving in to a bully is yielding to emotional slavery. We ransom our freedom, and who we really are, in order to keep the relationship.  Do you think that is that in our best interests?

      I didn't think so.

     An angry person controls his or her life.  The bully's efforts are trying to dominate ours, too.  What type of deal is that?   Not a good deal, that's what.  When this happens, we should be all the more energized regarding maintaining our stance.  Their behavior informs us, at least in that moment, that they are not considering our opinions, dignity or feelings.

How About You?
1. When with an emotional bully, how do you respond? 
2. What have you found to be an effective response, when you are at an impasse with someone who is emotionally charged? 
3. How do you do to maintain your serenity when confronted by others? 
I'd love hearing your answers. 
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Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.

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