Monday, December 15

The Value and Joy Known When Internally Referented......... 12/15/14

     It's been awhile since I have written about external referenting, not referencing.  Check the labels at the bottom of this inn. There are several listings about this concept.  Often, we are this way when
we are not trusting our judgment.

    We are triggered by others.  Their anger,
stare, presence, or voice makes us default to the seven year old, authority-pleasing child that dwells within.  As adults we have several rights:
1.  To disagree.  Only children can't.  If you want to be an adult, start disagreeing!
2.  To say no. In recovery we learn that:
"No is a complete sentence and we have the right to refuse without explanation."  Hope For Today, p 220
3.  We are a peer with every other adult.
4.  To be treated with dignity and respect.

     Using childhood methods, as an adult, sabotages our dignity.  We surrender our power, giving away our personal integrity. We aren't being authentic, not letting others know what we value nor are we exercising boundaries. We devalue ourselves.

External referenting
     If we are a child, I understand this coping method, we don't have the psychological or emotional capabil-ities to stand up to adults or question the validity of authority figures.  It is still inadequate. There's a problem.  Often we continue this childlike routine as adults. We have been groomed from youth to please, to yield to the coercion of others.

    What's the problem?  Lack of confidence and a beaten down spirit. There may be a struggle between our anger and our need to be loved.  The best rule of thumb is being true to our feelings, values and boundaries is essential if we really want to be happy. How can we have any joy if we are not true to ourselves?  Placing principles above personalities is critical---foundational---if we are to have a fully integrated soul.  This includes overruling the weak parts our personality that are prone to yield to bullies and emotional vampires.

    So, what is external referenting?  It using a outward reference point---a referent---to determine how we feel, what we believe or how we think or see.  If others are happy with us, we are happy. If we please others, we think we are successful.  There is no sense of our intrinsic worth. We surrender our power and self-esteem, because we want to be liked or loved.  This is giving others power over us, surrendering our individuality.

      Better, is being internally referented. This is deciding, apart from others, what we want, need, feel and desire.  It is determining what is right, by our values. We do not place our worth or peace of mind into the hands of others.

      It is responding, not reacting, when in crisis. We consider our needs, not ignoring them when others are demanding we meet theirs.  It may feel awkward, uncomfortable viewing life from the point of view of our needs.  It was difficult when we learned the multiplication table. But we got through this challenge as children, and are the better for our efforts. Same is true with internal referenting.

     Taking back our power is being true to ourselves.  Authenticity. It is living congruently with what is important for us, even though others may not be happy with our choices or our differing opinion.  Integrity is born when we are comfortable in our own skin. When triggered by fear or the need to please, we aren't present, aware of the needs percolating within that cry out for our attention.
 "When the applause of others becomes the basis for my behavior and necessary for me to feel satisfied, then I have given them power over me." Courage to Change, p 9

1.  I spoke at length with someone today.  It was great connecting, even though the time was brief.  I love the intimacy, honesty, and joy we share.
2.  My life has more balance.  I am pacing my work schedule.  My soul breathes more easily because I am.
3.  Going to bed earlier.  That's taking care of me.
4.  Cycling. I will get out on two wheels tomorrow.  I sleep, feel better and am happier, when I exercise.
5.  Being internally referented.  I am making serious decisions.  I need to be fair to me. It isn't healthy, accepting unacceptable circumstances. I don't like ignoring my needs.
6.  That God has everything in control, even when it doesn't look that way.  It's reassuring knowing my perspective is limited. It isn't so much that God is in my heart.  More important is that I am in the heart of God, doing His will.
7.  I enjoy each client I have.  I learn so much from them and am inspired by the amazing progress I see in their lives as they become internally referent, true to themselves and their cherished principles.

     I am tired. I will re-work this tomorrow.  For now, my best for today is good enough. My bed is calling me.  See you Tuesday.

                The Innkeeper


Thumper said...

Hi Pablo,
Thank you for the great post! Disagreeing with others has always been difficult for me in the past, but not so much today. I am slowly noticing a change within, the adult me surfacing! Lately, I HAVE been having my voice even if it means disagreeing and knowing that the other person may not like it. My confidence is getting stronger and it feels great!

Anonymous said...

Dear Innkeeper,

I love this post!It meets my need for self-awareness and self-discovery.Everything you write here I have to admit I do!I get triggered,I say yes when I want to say no,and I hang around one too many emotional vampires!I feel a lot like the guy in the picture, carrying all those burdens on his back.In fact...that guy is me...he's my twin brother!!
Thank you Innkeeper, for providing a safe place for me to practice o
overcoming the..."I can't do it" in me!Three more to go!

Jane G. Yorkshire

Pablo said...

Dear Jane G. Yorkshire,

Thank you, for starting this day with a positive comment! What would help you to say no?

To be honest, I was thinking of YOU when I put in the graphic with the guy burdened with negative thoughts. I also know you are getting stronger, expressing your voice. I know with your supportive network you are getting encouragement to exercise your boundaries. That's fantastic because they are the wooden stakes that kill emotional vampires!

Wishing you a great weekend. Maybe you will even play the guitar.

The Innkeeper

Pablo said...

Hi Thumper,

I appreciate your comments. How does it feel,letting the adult you appear, when with others?

You must be happy exercising integrity, when disagreeing: what you say is congruent with your opinions and feelings.

Your report encourages me. It's wonderful, seeing your life flourish! Thank you, for dropping by.

A happy innkeeper

P.S. I wrote an earlier comment but I used the wrong name, when addressing you.

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.