Wednesday, December 17

A Recently Upset Innkeeper. Five Lessons Learned.......... 12/17/14

       I am upset.  [Innkeeper's Note: No longer true, after re-writing this post and outlining my thoughts Thursday morning.] That's okay.  It's good being emotional disturbed----the alternative is worse, not in tune with our feelings.  It is im-portant ,for our mental health, feel-ing the enormity
of our emotions. With recovery we can, without being
overwhelmed by them.  But still, I am upset.  A good upsetness.

      Before writing this, I emptied out on paper what was roiling within, making my thoughts precise.  It has been good for my soul, clarifying what is running through my mind.  Flannery O'Connor  said she wrote to find out what she had to say.  Same holds true for me.

Many are afraid to fail.
I'm not
      I had an amazing conver-sation today, five hours long.  Beyond good.  I am dusting off myself after the 2x4 of common-sense, recovery and street smarts smacked me between the eyes during said visit.

      What I learned:
1.  I feel better about myself when maintaining integrity with my values. This is preferred to sacrificing my values and opinions to make another happy, which is codependency.

 2.  I have greater self- worth when I speak truthfully. 

      At the end of today's conversation I was asked how I felt.  "Disappoint-ed," I said.  No false glaze of nicety was placed upon an impasse we faced.  It isn't "being nice," being insincere.  Honesty in relationships is critical.  Life is less frustrating when we face reality, not living in a fantasy.  This is also true when we don't accommodate others at the expense of violating our boundaries.

      Part of growing up is addressing our needs. We say what we want and feel.  Most of us don't.  When we speak up about what troubles us, there is the possibility improvement.  If we say nothing, there is zero chance.

3.   I was transcen-dentally calm, when processing loss, even when I was with the person causing it.  This is emotional maturity. Its fruit---equanimity. 

      This happens when we have a genuine relationship with God.  He is the ultimate source of confidence and hope, not people.  Calmness in the eye of the emotional storm takes place when we hold everything, including relationships, with an open hand.  We can do this because we know God is in control, not us.

     The alternative, trying to control outcomes is egotistical and futile.  There is only one God and we are not Him.  A transcendent peace is also maintained by keeping good company, having Balcony People.

4.  It feels really good, being honest, congruent, with what is going on within.   Today, while addressing a conflict, I smiled, spoke softly.  But my eyes did not have their usual sparkle.  I was real.   I did not wear the clown face of insincerity.

5.  Placing principles above personalities can be painful. But it is essential, if we are to live congruently with our values and we want to thrive.

1.  Met with friends tonight.  I spoke more than I usually do---three times.  I needed to.  My need for closeness, communication and community were met.
2.  I have healthy self-esteem.  It is possible when I do not accept the unacceptable. These can values that I disagree with or when I mistreat myself by not eating nutritious food or sleeping well.
3.  For placing principles above personalities, even when it hurts, doing so.  Ultimately, it is in my best interest.  This general rule has served me well.   When I do, peace of mind and inner peace is mine.

How About You? 
What are your three gratitudes for today?

              That's it for tonight.  


Thumper said...

Dear Pablo,

I am also slowly gaining healthy self esteem! It is a wonderful and freeing feeling having boundaries and conveying my needs, must haves, and can't stands.
Standing up to the bullies in my life by being present and honest is new to me and I am getting better and better at it. My balcony people are a safety net for me and I am so grateful that they "have my back" when encountering difficult scenarios in my life.

Pablo said...

Dear Thumper,

Your honesty and authenticity is refreshing. I am happy hearing about your growing personal strength. Boundaries are critical for mental and emotional strength. They wean us from codependency and are like garlic---they shoo away the emotional vampires who would prey upon us.

It is exciting, seeing you blossom, and the greater joy you more fully experiencing. You are having the Great Big Life God wants us to have!

Thank you for sharing what is alive within you. A happy-to-read-your-comments innkeeper, Pablo

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.