Character Discernment: Rescued From a Narcissist.............. 5/16/13

"Money will buy a fine dog, but only love will make
 him wag his tail ." Image byTim blessed. "Country-
side:Sunlit Canal Path"Copyrighted photo.

     Our char-acter discern-ment, or, my Pablo Piper People Pick-er----feel free to insert your name----is key for healthy re-lationships.  For the longest time, I didn't have one.  Drama, depression, people letting me down, being used and abused was my normality.  

     Yes, that's how it once was for me, in my twenties and thirties.  

       I made hurtful decisions that hampered me from the emotional safety, harmony, order, and reciprocity I need-ed.  I wouldn't know a healthy relationship if it came up and pinched me. I had no boundaries, clues as to my "must haves" and "can't stands."  

       Am I glad, that's not true, now. 

      I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned about boundaries, responding, not reacting, and especially this truth: 

    I'm thrilled I saw her character, within three weeks of being with her. It required no intelli-gence to notice her self-centeredness.  In one e-mail she boasted of men fawning over her.  

      I am glad I had a vomit bag handy. 

      My gratitude will be highlighted in purple. 

      I'm thankful for intuition. While getting to know her, the caution flag of discernment poked my consciouness.  In my younger years, I could not hear this voice.

      During the past two months, I heeded what her behavior spoke about her. 

      I'm indebted to caution and patience.  They helped me to walk away from an unhealthy relationship.  I appreciate my limbic system. 

      It senses fear and danger.  I did not allow my cognitive self to overrule common sense. I yielded to my more basic, less rational self as it screamed its warnings. 

      This person---"Barbara"---is a kick.  Looking at encounters with her with a sense of humor helps.  It's one way of  lovingly detaching from my foibles. 

     
       Today, Barbara tried using charm when I saw her.  She was ingratiating, praising me in front of others. 

"Faithful are the wounds [or loving corrections] of a friend; but the kisses of the enemy are deceitful."                         Proverbs 27:6

I prefer authenticity to flattery.  A week earlier, a friend informed me she had gossiped about things I confided with her.

     I am leary of charm.  Today, listening to Barbara raised the antennae of caution and my skin crawled.  Fingernails screeched on the chalkboard of caution. 

     On the other hand, I was happy hearing her comments.  It revealed my people picker is improving.  I focus on character, not honey-toned words. 

      It is empowering taking responsibility for my thoughts, words, emotions and actions. It feelsgood,beingawareoflong-standing buttons of mine that others once pushed with success.  Now,  I don't get triggered as frequently.  All this is the result of applying boundaries. 

     I used to think I was critical, or unkind if I kept my distance with others, when they crossed my boundaries.  In reality, my response reveals I'm getting characterologic-ally stronger.  No longer accepting narcissists or unacceptable behavior is providing me with the serenity and emotional safety and ease I always sought, but could not have without adhering to my values. 

     I require equality, reciprocity and mutuality, where my needs and feelings are considered, also, not just that of others.  When relating with a narcissist---they are unable to offer provide these important needs because they lack empathy----life is all about them and their wants. 

     My gratitudes for today are a result of personal growth.  Passivity towards unacceptable behavior has been replaced by a healthier priorities.  Having better relationships, ones that don't exploit me, allow me to have an attitude of gratitude. 

            A happy innkeeper, made so because of growth 
          in the areas of discernment and boundaries

Related Posts: 
Character Discernment
Must Haves and Can't Stands, Needed for Healthy Relationships