Tuesday, December 4

Expressing Our Voice, Not Being Externally Referented, Protecting Ourselves From Emotional Vampires 12/4/12

Avoid emotional vampires
     Greetings to everyone,

Many suffer from depression. Many are angry. Much of the world is filled with people gripped by the ravages of abuse. There's hope for overcoming
these issues.  Having our voice and not being externally referented is critical. We'll get to these ideas in a minute.

    But first, welcome to guests to this inn hailing from Russia, Germany, Poland, Turkey, China, the U.K., South Korea, and of course, my largest readership, those from the United States.  I hope you enjoy your stay. Thank you for
visit. Let me know if you need extra blankets, the weather is getting cooler.  You might want to use the spa.

     I bedded down earlier last night. A good thing to do after cycling 24 miles (38.6 km) yesterday.  I rode from Alameda to have four sessions with clients in San Leandro.  Afterwards, I rode from that town to Oakland, visiting friends in the evening.  That was a fourteen mile evening jaunt.  I exercised today while toting a 12 pound (5.5 kg) satchel of books on my steel steed's rack.

     I'm bumping up a post I wrote earlier. Today, we are going down memory lane.  I see, by checking the right sidebar, it is the most popular thing I've written for the month and the third most read post for this week.

     I leave it here for those of you who haven't read it yet.  I'm glad readers find value using my archives.

     What I share in this post is core to the joy and gratitude I know: the important value of expressing my voice, guarding my dignity and staying clear from those who'd consume my energy----emotional vampires. We get what we tolerate. We train people how to treat us. I choose to be with healthy, positive, in-the-solution people.

     Relating with emotionally healthy, supportive people is best. It contributes to our sanity, joy, and emotional health. We are more likely to delight in the GREAT BIG LIFE God has for us.

     Abundance and prosperity---not only material, but an overflowing of the goodness life offers is ours, when having relationships with healthy people and avoiding those who aren't.

Beware of Emotional Vampires!
     This summer I was deceived.  A person sucked a tremendous amount of energy from the innkeeper. I let him.  I thought his nature was better than it was.

      Fortunately, I played a gambit, discovering his nature. He didn't care a fig about me. His character was uncovered after I made myself available and had supported him, a lot.  It's good remembering I am the average of the five people I hang out with.

      I have more sanity and serenity being with those who experience victory in life.  I associate with individuals who know recovery---people who live with wholeness and healing.  I avoid those who aren't.

      Enough said, here's the post: 
      Recently, I wrote a letter to a dear friend I've known since twelve.  A disappointment needed processing.  Expressing concerns in a caring manner usually works best. 
      Non-violent communication (NVC) helps.  For more about this subject, please read here.  I get better results when I express needs without using the five forms of Life Alienating Communication: blame, shame, fear, guilt or judgment.  My relationships improve, too, using NVC. 
      The letter worked: my friend responded immediately and positively.  I did something, I wasn't passive about my disappointment.
"Acting like a victim is a choice, not a destiny."  Hope for Today, page 189.
      It's encouraging knowing life improves, when we take care of our needs. It requires standing in our power, recovery and integrity.  For more about how we can grow in our wholeness, read here. . We don't need to stay stuck when life presents unwanted circumstances. 
      It's important realizing it's my responsibility dealing with life's disappointments.  I'm setting myself up for resentment if I expect others to rescue me.
"An expectation is a resentment waiting to happen."
     I'm not a child, I'm an adult; I'm responsible for effecting the outcomes I want to see. I am the only person on earth that can make taking care of my needs my number one responsibility. 
     One key point, however.  It's best seeking God's will for my life. In addition, I ask Him for the power to carry it out.  So, if things don't go my way, I don't get angry. 
     Asking God to do what I want is asking him to perform my will, not His.  I turned my will and life over to Him decades ago. Doing so has made my life serene, and me a happy camper. 
      Here's an important tip.  If I'm still disturbed by a person or circumstance, then I haven't turned that person or situation over to God. I'm still at square one.
      I'm encouraged, seeing new legacies taking root in my life by taking different, constructive actions.  Expressing our needs while being respectful towards others is a skill, requiring ongoing practice.  Otherwise, we are prone to using life alienating forms of communicating. 
     Unfortunately, we were not taught NVC, as children, or ever, for that matter.  It isn't only our family's fault that we didn't learn how to stand for ourselves while not standing against our fellows.  Churches and schools contributed to our social ineptness, too. 
Unhealthy Principles Taught As a Child: 
1.  To unquestioningly obey others.
2.  Expressing my opinion is not allowed.
3.  To not speak, unless spoken to.
4.  Others know my needs better than me. Trust others and defer to their opinion, even if I am uncomfortable or disagreed with the views presented.
5.  Ignore my feelings. Comply, even if it doesn't feel right, because I am expected to. In other words, do not trust my feelings.
6.  Disagreeing, is disrespectful. This is especially true if the other person is an authority figure.
7.  Passivity is encouraged. I am to open my mind and allow information and values to be poured into my mind. D o not challenge what I'm taught. 
     There was a problem with these mind-numbing values. I was strong-willed. They were unpalatable.  Boy, am I glad my stubborn personality permitted me to hold onto my dignity and self-esteem. 
     As a youth, I disagreed with my parents and other authority figures----usually teachers.  I held to my values, my different opinions.  As a result I was a happier, less timid, more driven person, even though my dad and other authority figures tried to beat my "self" out of me. 
     Am I glad, I don't allow myself to live in a one-down position with others.  Learning a way to communicate that allows me to meet my needs, while being respectful towards others makes me contented, and more fulfilled.  I'm thankful for improved, balanced relationships. 
      I see more clearly. Less frustrated, I am. Which are a few more gratitudes.
Expressing Our Voice   I'm thankful for the dignity provided by having my voice.  No, I'm not referring to my vocal chords. I refer to feeling at home with myself. 
       My voice involves expressing my values, likes and dislikes, voicing my dreams and choices when relating or disagreeing with others. I'm increasingly able to risk the disapproval of others while increasing my approval of what makes me who I am.  I don't ask for others to agree. 
       Others can think and feel however they please. But, I love my behavior being congruent with my internal clock, worldview and voice.  I do rattle others, though!  In a quiet manner, however. Those who know me personally can attest I'm soft-spoken, but tenacious.  I didn't say vicious----I'm not interested in harming anyone. 
 Experiencing Emotional Vampires
                         The Innkeeper Given the Cold Shoulder
       Sunday evening, I met with friends.  It was difficult hearing people criticizing spouses who weren't there.  When I piped up, I emphasized the road I've been traveling has been arduous, but good----deeply satisfying.
      Yes, life has it's share of problems, I agreed.  However, I mentioned I prefer relating with those who stay in the solution----not those who dwell on their problems.  I added that I keep my distance when relating with emotional vampires. 
      You know the type, those who suck up our energy, and then some.  I mentioned I bless people who are like that, and send them on their way.  They're not God's gift for me. 
      I have enough work, dealing with my issues. My concern about others I give to God; they don't need my criticism, nor does it help any. The only person I can semi-control is myself.  Even there, I require God's help, in order to have the life I want. 
      You could heard a pin drop, when I finished talking.  I thought it funny how the group behaved when we called it a night.  Those who complained that night, avoided me.   
      It's a good thing I do not base my self-worth on what I do or what other people think of me. I'm delighted that I'm free from the emotional slavery of external referenting.  (See here, too.)
       I thought their response was hilarious. It's great looking at life with a sense of humor.  I thank God for my Balcony People, they keep me sane. They allow me to maintain a positive perspective.
How About You?
1.  What do you think prevents many from expressing their views?
2.  Would you mind sharing a way you overcame negative conditioning you experienced as a child? 


Syd said...

Good for you on the bike riding. I used to do quite a bit if it but the roads here aren't bike friendly now.

Pablo said...


I agree with you, cycling can be a life saver. I better take advantage of the roads over here, while they are still good.

What type of bike did you have, or, do have? Did you ever go mountain bike riding?

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.