Calmness In the Eye of the Emotional Storm, Part II .............. 6/12/12

"No matter what's happening around 
us, we can choose to respond in a way
 that will help us learn and grow." 

Image: "Riverside: Old Willow" by Tim Blessed.Copyrighted photo
All rights reserved. Used by permission. 

       I believe in reality and prefer living in it than escaping from it. When we do, we feel better, allowing us to have a greater Attitude of Gratitude. 
Experiencing Growth:
 Expressing Concerns, Saying What Troubled Me
        Yesterday, I made an important call.  An intense conversation I knew would ensue. While not avoiding it, I needed time to prepare before engaging in it. I referred to this conversation in a previous post.

       For more insight into my perspective about last night's conversation, before I had it, click here. I wrote about my preparations for this time last week, as I prepared for the anticipated emotional hurricane.

       What I wanted to say, I processed for three weeks. It was a four-page, typed, single-spaced outline. I avoided judgment (for more on that, please click here).

       At the same time I listed what disturbed, saddened, and angered me: at an event, this person's lack of sen-sitivity created an unpleasant time, for me and others.

        I had the difficult conversation, that I was not avoiding, last night;  I'm glad I did.  Concerns I had with this individual I've known for nearly two decades, were expressed.  The outcome was good and disappointing at the same time.

This is also true for the success of
our emotional maturity. 

        The good: plenty, about their worldview and their character, I learned.  It's never too late to learn, grow, to become more accurately aware and adapt.  The disappointment: hearing his response.  He cared more about justifying his behavior than he did about what had recently wounded our relation-ship.
 
       I was sorry learning that, after all the time we've shared, and all the time invested in him,  he lacked empathy.  He was unable to connect with my feelings and needs when I had done so with him, for years.
 

      Yes, it takes emotional maturity to not become defen-sive when confronted.  I understand that.  However, for the past six years, on a weekly basis, this person has learned from me how to do that.  A disappointing eye-opener our conversation was.

         You know me well enough to know I appreciate mutuality in relationships. It was sad seeing this relation-ship operating only as a one-way street, for his benefit only, when it came to responding to my needs, he lacked sensitivity.

         After the call, I didn't stay in my sadness. But, it's important feeling our sadness and mourning the loss. And, I am mindful it is my job to process the let down of his response.  It was tragic witnessing his defensiveness.

         It's understandable, yes.  It can be hard, holding onto our own sense of self, remaining calm, when hearing boundaries from another, as this fellow heard mine.  But this is true only when our focus is upon ourselves; we are not considering the other person who is expressing their discomfort with our behavior,as I did that night.

"Faithful are the wounds of a friend. But the kisses of the enemy are deceitful. The full soul loathes the honeycomb, but for the needy soul, every bitter thing is sweet." 

               Proverbs 27: 6-7 

A Key Relationship Principle          

       A Safe Person cares more about the relation-ship than the issue.  An Unsafe Person cares more about the issue than the relationship. A Safe Person corrects us in order to forgive us. The Unsafe Person corrects us in order to condemn us. 

         When push comes to shove, his reactive self emerged. What he learned from me, after I had mentored him for years went out the window, once we had a difference of opinion.

         Calmness in the eye of the storm, in this case---a confrontation---helps us keep perspective.  It allows us to avoid the trap of negative emotions that erupt, if we are not careful when dealing with a problem. Serenity during such times allows us to stay in our power, maintaining integrity with our values.

       We don't surrender them because we are with an angry person or because we feel threatened and find ourselves yielding to our childhood default mode of defensiveness.

         I'm glad I stated my observations.  I mentioned my feelings about these observations and the needs beneath my negative emotions. The need for dignity, respect, sensitivity, consideration, equality, emotional safety, a celebration of life, and ease were not met when this person acted out when I was with friends and family.

        I made a request, that these qualities be honored, especially when with others.
   

    His response when I broached my concerns: he did not take ownership for his out-of-hand be-havior. He chose to not hear my con-cerns.  It was all about him.

          No empathy.

         That's okay.   His response wasn't what I hoped for.  But, I'm thankful.  I better understand him.

          I learned how I want to relate to this guy.  I was dumb-founded learning, after years working with him, he is an unsafe person.  However, I am grateful for awareness.

          It is necessary before I can experience personal growth. Recovery through Al-Anon Family Groups teaches me to say what I mean, mean what I say, but not say it meanly.  If I talk about what troubles me, there is a chance for things to improve.
     

       If I am mute about what disturbs me, there is zero chance the relationship improves. Problems don't go away, when ignored. I made my effort that night.

          I do my best, leaving the results in the hands of the God of my understanding.  Because I do, I enjoy a serenity greater than I have ever known.
How About You? 
Who is someone you need to talk to?
  a. How do you feel about it?
  b. What motivates you to have a difficult conversation?
Related Posts: 
1. Guarding Our Emotional Sobriety---Not Taking It Personally
2. Dealing With Emotional Bullies
3. Expressing Our Views Gently
4. Saying Our No Gently