The Alternative to Surrendering Our Values: Emotional Aikido

    Good evening,

Did you enjoy your Sunday?  I did.  It's easy to let angry people intimidate us.

       Surrendering our values is easy to do during such moments. I appreciate having an opportunity to exercise Emotional and Verbal Aikido today. For more about that please read
here.  What I wrote below recounts how I used it in my interactions with an agitated person.
My Gratitudes for Today: 
1.  I rested and studied.  I geared up for a busy week by nurturing myself with down time.
Refusing to Dance With a Manipulation
        Someone---I'll call him Jim---tried forcing my options today when I mentioned a concern I had.  He tried telling me what I could do.  Nope, I told him.  I'm not a child, I have my own response. I'm let him know I was of the age where I'm not accustomed to having others tell me what I can or cannot do. I make my own choices.

        None of Jim's creative suggestions were acceptable. Namely, they didn't address what troubled me. It didn't help that they served his best interests.  I had a different plan instead.   I shared it gently, using courtesy and kindness.

        When his first response didn't work, Jim tried telling me the dark motivations for my position.  I wondered if he thought I was wearing horns, simply because I saw things differently. I looked behind me, I wasn't wearing a painted tail, either.

         I say this because he became agitated when I let him know he had no idea what my motivations were.  I gently asked him to stop telling me what I was thinking. I could speak for myself, his speculations weren't close at all, I let him know.

        At this point, Jim sputtered, clearly flustered.  Changing the subject, was his third reaction to our chat.  It's fascinating having recovery---when we stand in our power and integrity, calmly remaining true to our values, not being triggered by the disease of codependency.  My personal growth allowed me to smile and breathe deeply, the muscles in my face were relaxed.

       I was calm in the midst of Jim's emotional storm. I responded. I didn't react. Ya ay!

       I let him know I wanted our focus to remain on my original point, that we needed to resolve what concerned me.  I'm thankful for perspective, for physical exercise and the opportunities I have when I teach non-violent communication to my clients.  All three served me in good stead today.

       I was able to patiently endure this fellow's attempts to dodge what troubled me. Standing for our values can be exhausting, but it's worth it.  We get what we tolerate.

       I calmly let him know the options he presented wouldn't work for me. Jim didn't know how to respond, he was flummoxed.  I'm thankful that I don't let others determine my moods or define who I am.

2. I love the dignity I enjoy when I'm true to my values, when I'm able to stand for myself without standing against others. I was entirely willing to work out an option that would work for both of us. He would have none of it. Perhaps he was still smarting from realizing I would not be manipulated.

3.  The story above reflects my comfort with my boundaries (my "must have's" and "can't stands").  Clearly knowing my values allows me to stand for them and not worry how others will react.  If their response is anger, I've learned that they will have to deal with it.  It's not my job to make everyone happy.
How About You? 
What is a stand you want to take this week?  How good are you at dealing with those who use anger to have you do what they want?  How good are you at dealing with manipulation, with those who are cunning when they argue?

                         I look forward to hearing your replies,

Related Posts: 

Calmness in the Eye of the Emotional Storm

The Demon of Denial

Relating With an Angry Man