Discernment and Boundaries Spare Us From Grief 12/31/15

Craziness, joy and growth.

       
         Best words describing 2015.

"The prudent man sees a danger and withdraws.  The simple continue and suffer for it."                                  Proverbs 27:12.  

          This observation is an antidote. 

           It helped me handle over-the-top circumstances faced this year.  I was insane during portions of this year.  During the year, I let go of the reins of caution.

           I was seduced by circumstances too good to be true.  The golden proverb above helped me retain a grip on common sense.  More than once, it guided me when I was drunk this past year. 

           I was imbibing too much joy.  The passage above helped me regain emotional sobriety.  I was able to focus once again upon reality.  This proverb guided the growth spurt I had this year.

        Thank you, for joining me as the end of this year draws near.  

          Within min-utes, my town will celebrate with a half-hour cacophony of fireworks popping within the community.  A new year filled with mys-tery and promise will be ushered in a moment normally known for silence and slumber.  The hopes of many soar during this witching time when the year changes its name.  Many anticipate 2016 will be better than the one just ending.

        Goals are pledg-ed for the new year. Many are not true goals.  Not if the aspirations do not have a time frame-work.  Not if they lack a plan with concrete steps attached.  For most, their aspira-tions are wishes, dreams.  

       They lack specificity. Having such plans is flying in a cloud bank without an instrument panel. We won't arrive at our destination.  If the dreams we have do not work in the new year, change them.  Make them measurable.

      Make the goals realistic.  But never change the goal. If necessity is the mother of invention, persistence is its father. Accomplishing what we want requires ongoing effort.

        Observations of this year from the innkeeper:

1. People com-plain. But, doing the work to make their life better, many don't do.  If we are not scared, it isn't courage we need.  Growth requires effort, discipline and pain. Or progress does not happen. I won't rescue some-one who does not want to rescue himself.

2. We scar others and ourselves when we avoid harmful people.  Having a blind eye towards angry people only fans the fire of harm they create.  It allows them to continue on, consuming others with their manipulative, predatory ways. When we ignore their behavior, we allow the bull of their selfishness to continue raging.  They have nothing stopping them from inflicting pain on those who cross their path.

     Emotional vampires suck the life out of others.

      They are those who brighten a room by leaving it.  They are curmudgeons, sarcastic, critical, and manipulative people.  These emotional Draculas are only stopped by the wooden stake of confrontation.  Our passivity emboldens them.  It lets them bite into others with their selfish agenda.

3. We scar irresponsible people by ignoring their behavior or compensating for it.  Making excuses for slackers is looking the other way.  We let them escape the personal load of duties. We are not making them responsible for their lives.

     We do not help bullies by being nice.

     We cross bounda-ries when we enable others through our passivity.  People need to ex-perience the natural outcome of their negative behavior. They need to reap what they sow. Otherwise, there is no motivation for changing their character.

    It's a poor idea, co-signing another person's life, bailing them out. We pay the price for their misdeeds. We pay for their false beliefs. We enable unacceptable behavior. How?  By covering for their poor choices and lack of character.

4. Often we are not being nice, when we think we are.  It isn't loving, overlooking abusive or lazy behavior.  It is not being kind ex-cusing irresponsible people.  No, it isn't being altruistic.  It's putting lipstick on the pig of unreliable and thoughtless behavior.

"Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful."                                                              Proverbs 27: 6

     It is still unattractive.  Even though we glam it up with our rescuing efforts.  We are naive.  It is lacking courage, not confronting.  We fear speaking the truth, saying what we want.  We fear upsetting manipulators and narcissists.

     This is being boundaryless.  It is passive and gullible behavior.

     It is important, standing in our power.  When we do, we are applying the recovery earned through work on our char-acter.  It is critical being true to our values.  This is integrity.  We do not want to relent to the manipulation of others.  If we do, we sell ourselves short.

     When we act this way, we are guaranteed depression.  Our resent-ments will grow.  See this post for more info about speaking our truth.  It talks about winning the Grand Prix of life---daily.

    "Do not relate with an angry man       or you will learn his ways."                                       Proverbs 22:24

      Not only that, we are letting that person influence/damage impres-sionable others.  Like your children, or others who hang around him.

5.  It is good, re-lating with strongly motivated, disci-plined people.  We are the average of the five people we relate with.  If others don't want to make the effort to improve their lives, our rescue efforts will not help.

     Personal growth comes from inter-nal motivation, not prodding.  We save ourselves grief when we admit this fact.  I relate with someone who is blind.  Not physically.  He's blind to common sense.

       I leave this person in God's hands.  There's only one God. I am not Him.  This is Step One in recovery.  We realize we are powerless over others.

6. Being passive is not being passive.  It is dishonesty.  It is lying.  Often, it isn't doing what we said we would do, or being true to our values.  It lacks honor.

     We are not living with authenticity when we are passive.We are not respecting ourselves.  It lets down those who  trust us.

7. Growth is not internalizing a problem.  It is not a matter of more research.  It is not solving issues apart from others.  Growth happens as a result of living in a compassionate, loving com-munity.  By ourselves, we do not have all the resources to handle what life dishes out.  In community, we do.  What I lack, others have.

8.  Growth happens when we move from our Victim Story.   This story consists of the excuses we give for failure.  It is seeing life from the scars of our past.  Our Victim Story is a flashlight with a de-fective lens.  It is viewing life negatively.

      It is not acknowledging the good qualities we have.  It is not view-ing our successes, when we struggle.  It is seeing life from all our past failures and pain.

      We want to see from the searchlight of who we truly are, now.  All the positive qualities we have.  They far outweigh the nega-tive we see in ourselves.  Especially when we are troubled.  We are not living in recovery when we allow the past to damage our self-image.

      Wishing you a fantastic New Year!