Friday, January 8

Deeper Communication---Not Getting Triggered, Revised 1/8/16

Image: "Cumbria: Hindscarth from High Spy"  By Tim
Blessed.  Copyrighted photo.  Used by permission. 
     The following was written sixteen months ago.  It is revised. It deals with a key to an excellent relation-ship, be it friend or partner.  Let me know what you think. 

     I had a sensa-tional time this morning.  Deeply fulfilling. I spent time with a good friend for several hours. Tough, but good.  We were both nurtured.

      Honesty, compassion reigned.  My needs for intimacy, connection
and integrity were met.  We addressed buttons that could have been pushed by either of us.

      We know the rou-tine, when a couple falls in love.  Profuse are the professions.  The couple glow over what they share in common.  Kind-ness radiates between them, filling them with the warmth of affection. Usually, at this stage, they com-mit to each other.

      Sounds good, doesn't it?  It isn't.  It is best, for two people in love to go through power struggles first.  In reality, these troubling issues are not what they appear.  Conflicts allow us to know areas needing heal-ing, our vulnerabilities. When maturely processed with the other person, our ability to communicate deepens.

     Key is not react-ing. Troubling issues are discussed.  The needs beneath them are addressed.  It is acknowledging what is alive within. No-thing gets healed when ignored.

      It is better not wanting to change the other person. Conflict allows us to develop consciously together.  It is a chance for personal growth, addressing wounds, de-veloping our character.  It lets us move beyond vexing issues. Problem areas we had before entering any relationship.

     Processing any source of pain between a couple permits the two to evolve.  No need to amputate the differing person from their lives.  Usually the problem isn't with the other person.  We are the problem.  The Hunchback of Notre Dame of our vulnerabilities and baggage surfaces in the relationship. It brings the discord and disturbs the other person.

     Working through troubling issues strengthens our relationships.  It enables us to move beyond the narrow sense of who we are and our Victim Story (See #8). We move beyond finger pointing.  Sometimes this requires outside help.  Addressing areas of pain or confusion leads to transformational growth.

     That happened today.  I was stunned.  I marveled at my friend's maturity.  Her humility drew me closer.  We worked through a triggering area.

      Healing happened. We delighted in deeper intimacy, commitment.  It was the harvest of toiling under the sun of  honesty.  We enjoyed a deep, healing and meaningful time. It was the fruit of our transparency.

      With this person, we say things that feel awkward. We take risks.  Because we did today, our relationship deepen-ed.  I understand her more clearly.  Am I glad.

      Transcending beyond the power struggles causes something to happen.  It creates a "we system."  We become interdependent.  This requires honesty. Sometimes it is painful.  If we are attracted to some-one, the passion of infatuation simply will not do.

      Authentic communicating improves a relationship.  It makes it evolve.  The connection becomes stronger.  We relate with compassion and empathy.  In turn, it affects how we are understood and treated. We are emotionally naked with each other and not ashamed.

      We are present with each other.  This is the stuff of genuine intimacy.

      Commitment before working through power struggles can be hurt-ful.  It is leaves without roots. It is form without substance.  Working through painful feelings requires hard work.  But the fruit of doing so contributes to a depth of relating not found any other way.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I agree with you when you said "Commitment before
working through power struggles can be hurtful."
One thing I have learned about myself is I am not a good
communicator. It prevents me from working through
struggles with another.

I don't know how to express myself. I hate not being able to.
It makes me feel frustrated. I don't have my voice. it
reminds me of when I was a little girl.

In my family everyone did not speak because we were afraid
of our father. We were not real with each other.

Thank you for bringing this to my attention. This is an area where I want to improve.

Jane G. Yorkshire

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