Wednesday, January 27

Compassion: Connecting With the Needs and Feelings of Others 1/27/16

"If we want compassion, we must be conscious of the words
 we use.  We want to speak and listen from the heart."
     "When we keep the spot-light on the other person's feelings and needs, we sup-port their per-sonal growth. Their motiva-tions will come from a desire to connect rath-er than to please others,           being rewarded or avoid criticism.  
"We also support others in evaluating for them-selves how well they are meeting their needs, rather than encouraging that they look to others for their evaluation. 
"Celebrating successes is an opportunity to connect with another. Instead of   offering an evaluation such as "Great Job" or "You're smart," empathize with the feelings and needs that are met for the person you're relating with:   'Are you glad because you solved the problem?' "        
                     Marshall B. Rosenberg


      What ways do you encourage others?  Do you like it when someone says, "Good job," to you?  Is it just me being finicky?  When someone says that to me, I feel as if they've put themselves in a one up position.  I don't like that.  Nor does anyone have the right to do. 

      Thank you for dropping by.  May you have a great week.  It can be busy.  If we don't know our focus.


Anonymous said...

Dear Innkeeper,
I do like Rosenberg's quote because it indicates presence on Rosenberg's part. I would also like to add that I think Rosenberg was being present with himself as well as being present with the other person. The reason why we come up with statements that show that we are one upping the other person is because were in the head or trivializing the present moment that is given to two people. We're not in tune with our feelings because we're skipping the discomfort, looking for a quick fix.
It is much easier to give ourselves the sense of false security than to experience our true nature. We must learn that we have our dignity and that we have a right to speak and express our feelings and needs regardless of how the other person reacts after we express ourselves authentically.
Worrying about others and how they're going to react to our self-expression is our old conditioned, default mode from our childhood. If the other person responds negatively that is something from their conditioning long before they met us. We are not here to solve other people's problems or to change other people. We are here to be authentic. We owe it to ourselves to be as authentic as possible. If others have enough equanimity and authenticity with themselves, and if they respond to our needs instead of reacting to our needs, then that is a safe person we have a relationship with. There's great joy having a relationship with mutuality, that shares vulnerability with integrity.
Thank you, Pablo.


Pablo said...

Dear TB,

You are right. We lack presence when we react. It is better observing and being in touch with what is alive within us when relating.

It is true, relationships are more satisfying when there is authenticity and reciprocity. It requires courage, though to be vulnerable. It takes strength to true to our values, maintaining integrity, when differing with others.

I appreciate the thoughts you share in your comments. They contribute to the community we have at the inn.

Thumper said...

Dear Pablo,
Thank you for this quote. It reminds me to think about my motives when relating to others. I am especially going to take this to heart when interacting with my children. I will seek true connection instead of evaluation.

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.