Beyond Button Pushing---Abiding With Triggered Feelings, Getting Healed .............. ...................9/21/14

Image: "Cumbria: Hindscarth from High Spy"  By Tim
Blessed.  Copyrighted photo.  Used by permission. 

     I felt like a little boy in an ice cream parlor this morning. 

    The source of the delightful occasion: time spent with someone as filling as a Cobb salad at Fenton's Ice Cream-ery---a huge meal. We enjoyed an up-lifting time for six hours. 

      The nurturing value authenticity provides for relation-ships cannot be overstated. 

      We discussed a complex subject--what pushed our buttons, what irked us?  We enjoyed our time.  Honesty and compassion reigned.   Afterward, we understood each other better than ever.

       Intimacy, connection, and integrity took place.  We welcomed the emotional safety shared.  What a change from everyday conversations.

         The opposite occurs-- discord and friction arise when vulnerability or honesty does not exist when relating.

        We know the routine when getting to know someone or falling in love.  Pro-fuse the professions about how well they get along.  The two glow over what they have in common.

       Kindness radi-ates between the two.  Filled with warmth because of the friendship.  At this stage, commitment often follows.

         Sounds good, doesn't it?  In reality, a bad idea.  The outcome will be better when we go through power struggles, first, with that person.

          Troubling issues need not become scary monsters.  Dif-ficulties with another do not automatically align with our fears. Conflicts reveal areas needing healing---our and the other person's vulnerabilities.  

          Problems maturely processed enhance our ability to communicate.  It deepens our connection with others.  Our relation-ship flourishes when we enjoy transparency with emotionally mature others. 

      Responding becomes the key action, not reacting.  Troubling issues can be discussed.  The needs beneath get met when addressed.  We acknowledge the feelings bub-bling within us.

      Nothing heals when we ig-nore problems we have with others.

      Being aggravated diminishes when we stop trying to change others and look at what troubles us.  A better response involves discussing our concerns with the person who disturbs us.  Conflict with others matures us.  We start using the recovery version of acceptance and detach with love.

      Difficulties with others provide opportunities for per-sonal growth.

      Processing difficulties heal our wounds.  Foibles can be remedied.  Authenticity with others strengthens character, ours, and those we relate with.  
   

      When we remain present, we notice what transpires in the relationship. This adds maturity to it.  We acknowl-edge we have become part of something bigger than ourselves.   After negotiating differences, we make sure there is a "we left standing."

      The needs of both ourselves and the other person are satisfied.

      When transparency and presence exist in the relationship, we eliminate default patterns that serve no purpose.  We move beyond vexing issues, problem areas that existed before we entered any relationship.

      Processing sources of pain in the relationship causes the two to evolve.  There will be no need to amputate the differing person from our lives.  Blame, shame, guilt, fear, or judgment against the person who troubles us is eliminated. 

      These five forms of relating in a familiar but unsatisfactory way are life alienating ways of communicating.

      These five approaches estrange relationships, making them worse.  Usually, the problem does not belong to the other person.  We often create the difficulties.  Ouch.

 
       The Hunchback of Notre Dame of our insecurities frequently surfaces when relating.  This ogre often the foundation for the diffi-culties we have with others.

     Working through troub-ling issues strengthens rela-tionships. Vulnera-bility when connect-ing with others matures us. Hammer-ing through difficult times moves us beyond our Vic-tim Story (See #8).

     It eliminates finger-pointing.  Getting to this level of maturity requires a sponsor from a recovery program, a counselor who knows recovery and freedom codependency (ninety-six percent of them have this disease), or having an emotionally mature friend.

     We get over the need to defend ourselves.  This unhealthy habit demonstrates a control pattern. These patterns are well-develop-ed reactions stirred up when we are uncomfortable with our feelings.

      Controlling behavior creates the absence of authenticity in any relationship.  Without transparency true closeness---cannot take place.

     Addressing areas of pain or confusion leads to transfor-mational growth.  That happened in today's conversation.  Our need for peace and celebrating life took place at the same time.
   

      I marveled at my friend's maturity.  Her humility drew us closer.  During today's conversation, we worked through areas that triggered us. 

      Our intimacy grew, the harvest of shared honesty and transparency 

      When we are authentic, our conversations will at times be awkward.  Risk takes place when we demonstrate emotion-al nakedness.  But because of the transparency, our relationship matured and flourished as never before.

       I understand her more clearly.  She more clearly sees and under-stands my values.
      Transcending beyond power strug-gles does create a "we" left standing in the relationship.  It will be there when negotiating any issue.  We become interde-pendent.

       This becomes the offspring of honesty.  Just like childbirth, this process will be painful, but the results bring rewards well worth the effort.

       If attracted to someone, infatuation does not guarantee permanence or a life-long relationship.  It may have the same flash as when lighting a pile of leaves.  It will be as ephemeral, too.

       Ongoing, continual combustion in the life of a relationship requi-res substance.

      Authentic communicating, being present and avoiding control patterns improve our con-nection with others.  Relating in-depth evolves the dynamic between the two.  True con-nection form the piled up branches and logs that make the enduring fire of a satisfying and longer-lasting relationship.
       

       Relating grows with additional depth when compassion and empathy form important parts of it.  Growth in under-standing each other takes place when we enjoy presence with one another, the stuff of genuine friendship.

      Commitment before working through power struggles usually creates disappointing relationships.  They will be temporary.  The connection like leaves without roots.

       The relationship consists of form without substance, a fire con-sisting only of leaves, not branches.

      Working through painful feelings requires work.  But the results of doing so contribute to a depth, warmth, and permanence of relating not found any other way.