Tuesday, September 9

Six Characteristics to Avoid In Relationships, If You Want A Healthy One ...................9/9/14

One definition of discernment
      In this post, written last Thursday, I shared reasons why it is hard find Safe People, those who help us thrive and become better people. They were:
1.  Lacking Discernment.
2.  Not Knowing How to Connect.
3.  Fear of Abandonment. This is settling for less than is desirable.

     You can read the previous post in the link above, for more details on these three.  I will continue from there. The fourth reason is:

4.  Defensive Hope.  I cover this subject in depth here.  Take a look at this link,  you will be glad you did.  Part of it is that we are trying to protect ourselves against grief and sadness.
Defensive Hope is a deliberate avoidance of the
reality that is right in front of us, regarding someone who harms our tranquility and usually our dignity.
5.  Unwillingness to Take an Honest, Searching Moral Inventory of Ourselves.  This is presenting ourselves as nicer than we are.  This is denial. Many who do this have unhealthy relationships for help in keeping the illusion that the difficulties in their lives is due to others and not themselves. These unsafe relationships provide a distraction from what is going on within them.
6.  Fear of Confrontation.
    We get what we tolerate. We try to live up to the approval standards of others. This is disastrous. This is remaining a child. One mark of an adult is that we can disagree.

     Here is the twist: people who do not confront are the kind of people that hurtful people glomb unto.  People with good boundaries, who confront clearly, yet kindly, do not have the negative characteristics of Unsafe People who are also known as Emotional Vampires. They are able to use what I call Emotional Aikido to take care of their emotional selves and their dignity.

      If a person doesn't confront, they are literally set up for a pattern of unsafe relationships, and they will rarely find a safe relationship.

  As Henry Cloud and John Townsend say in their book Safe People:
The inability to confront is license for unsafety.  Being unable to confront someone is like having a farm with no fences, or a body without skin. No matter how careful one is, he would always be getting poisoned or infected because of the lack of protection. Someone who is afraid to confront hurtful or abusive patterns in a relationship will find plenty of unsafe people available to take advantage of him.                            p 100
How About You?
What are other ways we can attract unsafe people?


Thumper said...

I really like what Henry Townsend and John Townsend have to say about how important it is to confront/be honest with others. Recently, I have been doing that and I have been proud and pleased with the results. It certainly is not easy, but it is worth the risk in terms of my self respect and dignity.

Anonymous said...

As I read this article I'm saddened as I realize I have all of these six horrible traits... yes all of them...ugh! I have caused so much damage to my self and family over the years.Fortunately for me I have the support of a really amazing councilor, who I would say is one of those 'safe people'you mentioned in your article here!

Jane G. Yorkshire

Pablo said...

Dear Thumper,

I am in agreement with you. I like the dignity and clarity we create for our boundaries, when we stand up for them.

You must feel good that you are standing in your power, recovery and integrity, when you differ with others, letting them know what is important to you! It must feel good, speaking your truth.

Pablo said...

Dear Jane,

Thank you, for being quite the commenter, here, in the inn! I love it. :->

What can you do, to change the legacy you created with your passivity? You are a lucky lass to have someone you can work with, as you develop your voice and exercise your boundaries.

Let me know if I can help you. :->

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.