Friday, July 10

The Pathway to IIntimacy: Being Transparent ..... 7/10/15

     Being tongue tied.

     Fear, being timid, or having low self-esteem prevents us from speaking the truth. We are op-pressed by others, we lack courage to stand true to
our boundaries.  By not speaking up, we find ourselves lacking motivation, depressed. We are frustrated, who wants that??

     What causes us to dwell in the garage of our emotional lives? Why do we exist in the lower drawers of the banged up chest of tattered feelings? What prevents us from living in the mansion of self-respect and emotion-al abundance?

     We neglect our need for honesty, that's what. We do not stand true to our values and feelings. We read books, not applying what we already know.  We procrastinate from reality, thinking it a matter of learning more, "Then we'll act," we say.  "I can't" we declare, quitting before trying.  We do not move forward because we are buried by limiting beliefs that condemn us to misery.

      Egads!  What a sick way to live!

      Our fears and lack of honesty prevents us from knowing the fullness of life.  Not being consistent with our values----authenticity---often does not exist.  It's important clearing the air, speaking sincerely about our feelings and wants. Transparency helps us get over hurt, anger, confusion.  It enables us to overcome conflict.  Expressing ourselves openly lets us enjoy life fully, vibrantly.

     When we are honest, we are not weighed down by our measure of defeats and the inauthenticity of not letting others know our wants and feelings. The results are:
  • We are no longer tethered to terror or tyranny.
  • We are no longer fettered to fear.
  • No longer are we shackled to shame.
      We want people to know our frailties. No, not just anyone, but those who are emotionally healthy and mature. With them, our facades are removed.  We don't present the false self, the persona used when we fear others won't accept us. In healthy relationships, there is no fear of being emotionally naked.  If we want amazing, life-giving connection, we have to be transparent.  Intimacy doesn't thrive without a strong, genuine contact with another.

     Being controlling is as tasteless as sand. As emotionally filthy, too.  Yuck.  Being freed from agendas allow us to reveal our true selves. When letting others know how they affect us, we are specific. We repeat back exactly what the other said or did that touched us. This is the two of us working from the same reality.

     This is the stuff of transparency.

     Being specific connects me to my experience, not to what I interpreted. As I wrote here, an interpretation is never experienced, it is imagined. Being transparent is a form of of deeper self-awareness.

     The key part of being transparent is looking at ourselves honestly. No praise or blame.
 "Seeing yourself  is an act of observation, not evaluation."               Susan Campbell, Getting Real, 41

     My brain was fried tonight, knocking me out at 8:00 p.m.  I just got up.  Earlier, for eight hours, I taught others who are starting out in my profession.  Doing this is like restarting my career.  It's re-discovering how I tie my shoe and translating the process.

      Things taken for granted, I explained. My head is foggy from today's efforts. I will bed down soon. I'm having a session with one client from Germany at 7:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. Afterwards, I'll head to San Francisco teaching for a full day. 

      I'll re-work this later.  Right now, I need sleep.

How About You? 
What are your thoughts on transparency?  When are the occasions that allow you to be this way?  I'd love hearing your answers.

              May you have a great and grateful Saturday,

                              The Innkkeeper


Thumper said...

Hi Pablo,

Relating authentically and being transparent with difficult people in my life has not been a simple task. I am learning that even though it is hard, it is necessary for true intimacy and connection. I feel happier and have more self esteem when I convey my true wants and feelings to others and most importantly, I gain self respect.

Pablo said...

Dear Thumper,

What could you do less of, to create more transparency in your difficult relationships? I'd like hearing your answer. For me, it is not being passive, not accepting unacceptable behavior. The other day, someone was talking. I was confused. She went from one point to another, without squarely landing anywhere.

I've learned that is a form or control.

With this person, I told her I was confused. I asked her to focus one point. If she did, I could follow her thoughts. She did and everything came out fine.

Kudos to you in your efforts at being genuine! As I wrote in this post, there needs to be strong contact if we are to enjoy intimacy.

Thank you for dropping by and being present. It makes it not so lonely, here, in the inn. :->

Wishing you the closeness and transparency you seek,

The Innkeeper

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.