How was your day? I was tired. Then again, I didn't get to bed until 5:00 this morning. I'm leaving you with something I wrote almost a year ago, June 4th, last year.
Guarding Our Emotional Sobriety
Recently, someone tried engaging me in an argument. I stopped it, cold. I don't care for
unnecessary disputes, nor do I like unasked for criticism. I asked the person: "Is there a reason that prompts you to argue with me? Would it be possible for you to respect my opinion, instead of trying to change it?" She stopped.
I didn't ask for her opinion or her correction. She can have her tastes in music; I just don't want hers imposed on me. I never gave her permission to judge my musical tastes. I prefer making my own choices, having my own values and exercising my autonomy.
My response was a result of staying present in the conversation. I've learned that, for every year we work intensively on our personal growth, we get one second of response time. (For more thoughts about improvements, click here.) I've been doing that for seven years. That gave me seven seconds. That's all that was needed to keep my stability, not get triggered, during my conversation with this person.
I'm thankful for a sense of humor that allows me to not get caught up in other people's issues. Instead of getting irritated with this person, I saw the situation as silly.
It's great relief asking ourselves, when something troubles us, "how important is it?" Getting angry at another person wasn't worth losing my emotional sobriety. I'm glad we don't need to take other people's behavior personally. How a person behaves is a reflection of their values and personal history. It has nothing to do with us.
That was seven gratitudes.
1. Knowing how to prevent an argument.
2. I stood for my values instead of being passive.
3. I'm grateful for being gentle when differing with another.
4. I appreciate being internally referented in the above situation---I adhered to my values and wasn't swayed; my emotions weren't triggered.
5. I'm glad I see situations as humorous that at one time would have annoyed me.
6. I celebrate not allowing anger to control me.
7. I'm encouraged I have emotional and psychological distance--also known as detaching with love. Separating in this way allows me the space needed to consider my options.
2. I enjoyed the in-depth time spent with my three sons this weekend. Our conversations were open, loving and supportive.
3. Saturday, I read with my sons. I shared poems that are core to my values, that define who I am. It was a special time.
4. I appreciate all the well wishes and kindnesses sent my way over the past few days. Thank you.
5. I look forward to contacting several of the people I met Saturday, when I gave a talk. I'll call them Thursday. It always feels good being of service to my fellow man.
I'm tired so I'll head off for bed. Tomorrow, I'll write more.
How About You?
1. What is your response, when you find yourself in an argument? In the example above, I detached with love.
2. What type of personal work have you been doing in your life? I learning how to be centered, take care of my needs, feelings and how to exercise healthy alternatives in the areas where I need to grow.
3. What has been a source for your values? Where have you derived your principles?
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Recently, someone tried engaging me in an argument. I stopped it, cold. I don't care for
unnecessary disputes, nor do I like unasked for criticism. I asked the person: "Is there a reason that prompts you to argue with me? Would it be possible for you to respect my opinion, instead of trying to change it?" She stopped.
If she was trying to endear herself to me, it didn't work. :-> I prefer relating with those who allow me freedom regarding my likes and dislikes. So, what prompted this interaction? Earlier, in our conversation, I said I liked a certain singer and musician. She said so-and-so was better.The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
I didn't ask for her opinion or her correction. She can have her tastes in music; I just don't want hers imposed on me. I never gave her permission to judge my musical tastes. I prefer making my own choices, having my own values and exercising my autonomy.
My response was a result of staying present in the conversation. I've learned that, for every year we work intensively on our personal growth, we get one second of response time. (For more thoughts about improvements, click here.) I've been doing that for seven years. That gave me seven seconds. That's all that was needed to keep my stability, not get triggered, during my conversation with this person.
I'm thankful for a sense of humor that allows me to not get caught up in other people's issues. Instead of getting irritated with this person, I saw the situation as silly.
It's great relief asking ourselves, when something troubles us, "how important is it?" Getting angry at another person wasn't worth losing my emotional sobriety. I'm glad we don't need to take other people's behavior personally. How a person behaves is a reflection of their values and personal history. It has nothing to do with us.
That was seven gratitudes.
1. Knowing how to prevent an argument.
2. I stood for my values instead of being passive.
3. I'm grateful for being gentle when differing with another.
4. I appreciate being internally referented in the above situation---I adhered to my values and wasn't swayed; my emotions weren't triggered.
5. I'm glad I see situations as humorous that at one time would have annoyed me.
6. I celebrate not allowing anger to control me.
7. I'm encouraged I have emotional and psychological distance--also known as detaching with love. Separating in this way allows me the space needed to consider my options.
*********************************************
My Gratitudes for Wednesday:
1. I met with someone I mentor this evening. It was an intimate time as we dealt with personal issues. I'm thankful for the way he's earnestly working on healthy alternatives to overcome areas where he struggles.2. I enjoyed the in-depth time spent with my three sons this weekend. Our conversations were open, loving and supportive.
3. Saturday, I read with my sons. I shared poems that are core to my values, that define who I am. It was a special time.
4. I appreciate all the well wishes and kindnesses sent my way over the past few days. Thank you.
5. I look forward to contacting several of the people I met Saturday, when I gave a talk. I'll call them Thursday. It always feels good being of service to my fellow man.
I'm tired so I'll head off for bed. Tomorrow, I'll write more.
How About You?
1. What is your response, when you find yourself in an argument? In the example above, I detached with love.
2. What type of personal work have you been doing in your life? I learning how to be centered, take care of my needs, feelings and how to exercise healthy alternatives in the areas where I need to grow.
3. What has been a source for your values? Where have you derived your principles?
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4 comments:
When faced with an argument, I basically just try to diffuse it by saying something along the lines of "we'll just agree to disagree" or "even though we have differing opinions, I respect yours". Oftentimes that will succeed. Have a great Thursday Pablo!
This evening I'm choosing to take time to process a troubling message; to stay in the solution and not react in the moment.
Today I am also writing my gratitudes; a day late, but not a dollar short...
I am grateful my workbook finally arrived on the wings of an Amazon messenger.
I am grateful for that much needed, early evening nap, after several frenetic days of familial drama and trauma.
I am grateful for quiet, reflective time at dusk in our backyard garden to read, write, sip coffee and unwind with our dog and cat.
Thank you for your message Pablo and have a wonderful evening, as the day cools.
Carl,
You are so right. It's best to respond and not react.
Hurray, regarding your workbook, it sounds like you have something that will help you become the person you want to be!
Good for you, you took care of yourself by napping. From a previous post of yours it sounds like you might have read my post on H.A.L.T. Are you slowing down your rpms?
I enjoy your visits to the inn and your comments.
The Innkeeper
Keith,
Thanks for demonstrating your tactfulness in such situations. I see how your approach would probably diffuse any conflict. What would you say, however, if you disagreed with what the person was saying? Would you use the same approach?
I appreciate your contributions to this inn and hope you are enjoying your weekend!
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