Responding to An Emotional Meltdown, Nonviolent Communication Is Way Better......4/19/13

"Like an earring of fine gold is a wise man's reprove to a
listening ear. " Prov. 25:12. The challenge is learning how
 to respond, not react and how to be loving instead of
spiteful, when we are frustrated. 

    Thank you, to my Russian and German guests, you have been dropping by, a lot.  Those who hail from the land of Tolstoy have been twenty-five percent of the readership for this month.  Ten percent of the visitors to this inn have been those from the land of Goethe.  I'm glad you're finding encouragement here.  A tip of my cap also goes out to those of you who hail from the United States. As always, you are the largest number who pass through the doors of this inn.

     This morning, I encountered an angry man.  No fun.  Even with all my training and experience, it's still
unpleasant being with an emotional bully, an intimidator who uses screaming and obscenities in his attempt at motivating me.

     Later, with a client last night, I reviewed the difference between someone who is unaware and someone in denial. For more about this distinction you might want to read this.  Our session was hot and heavy----very unusual for this to happen,when working with others.  This person wants to leave the family.  I held my ground, disagreeing, sharing principles that I find helpful when needing to make a decision.

     This client's reaction was fascinating.  I made it clear my need for integrity regarding my values compelled me to say what I did.  As with everything, I told this individual to take what was liked and leave the rest.  Ultimately, everyone has to make their own decision.

     Today, I wrote a response in a local paper.  I'm posting it here.  The writer of a column called someone a moron, labeling him as such, in the headline.  I object to treating others this way, when we disagree with them.

     Quoting from one book at length, I did.  The passage accurately reflects my feelings and need to show everyone dignity, even when disagreeing.  Doing so contributes towards a more loving world and greater peace.  It would be a great advance for mankind if we could let tranquility reign.  Nonviolent communication contributes towards making that possible.   Let it begin with me.

     Here's what I wrote in reaction to a sports column:

     It troubles me when we call someone a moron because we find something objectionable about them. It perpetuates the mentality that it’s okay degrading others if we find them wrong. Yes, Chris’s comments are insensitive and unacceptable. But, I find using put downs to define him equally unacceptable.

     I agree with Marshall Rosenberg:

“I believe all [negative] analyses of other human beings as tragic expressions of our values and needs. They are tragic because when we express them in this form, we increase the defensiveness and resistance to them among the very people whose behaviors concern us. Or, if they do agree to act in harmony with our values because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame. 

“We all pay dearly when people respond to our values and needs, not out of a desire to give from the heart, but out of fear, guilt, or shame. Sooner or later, we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill on the part of the those who comply with our values out of a sense of either external or internal coercion. They too, pay emotionally, for they are likely to feel resentment and decreased self-esteem when they respond to us out of fear, guilt, or shame.

“Furthermore, each time others associate us in their minds with any of these feelings, we decrease the likelihood of their responding compassionately to our needs and values in the future."  Rosenberg, Marshall: Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, 2nd Edit., Encinitas, PuddleDancer 2005, p 16-17

        As always, please take what you like and leave the rest.

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    Well, the columnist, Lowell Cohn, posted my reply---all of it---in the paper, the Press Democrat of  Santa Rosa.   Since then, I wrote him again, and he's appreciated my comments.   I enjoy communicating with him and am thankful that he considered what I wrote.  Now, if he would only write more about my team, the San Francisco Giants.