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| “When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.” Elie Wiesel |
How are you?
I'm bumping this up. I originally wrote this October 14th of last year. I updated it this morning. Let me know what you think. This is worth discussion. It addresses a problem most people
have.
I changed address for this inn in January. As a result, many of my links didn't work. They were still connected to the previous address, the old place. I've fixed the Favorite Posts tab . You might want to check it out.
Here's wishing you a great and grateful Friday, The Innkeeper
I'm happy that I'm not as co-dependent as I was ten years ago. Someone this week wanted information from me, they sought me out. As I replied, she I'm bumping this up. I originally wrote this October 14th of last year. I updated it this morning. Let me know what you think. This is worth discussion. It addresses a problem most people
have.
I changed address for this inn in January. As a result, many of my links didn't work. They were still connected to the previous address, the old place. I've fixed the Favorite Posts tab . You might want to check it out.
Here's wishing you a great and grateful Friday, The Innkeeper
***************************************
Freedom From the Tyranny of Other People's Feelings and Judgments
interrupted. (Doesn't that bug you, when someone asks a question and then he or she won't let you answer? I'll pause here so you can reply.) Her stopping me caused me to forget my thoughts. I ended up having nothing to say.
This person thought that if she remained quiet, I'd remember. I didn't.
She was disappointed. She interpreted my inability to continue talking where I left off as being "difficult." I gently reminded her that perception isn't reality.
Interpretations are a form of judgment. I don't like---nor do I do allow---others telling me my motives. Fortunately, I don't permit others to define who I am or determine my moods. (For more on that, please click here.)
I'm glad knowing it was her job to get over the disappointment, not mine, to make up for it. That realization reveals how much I've grown in my detachment from co-dependency.
I have limitations. I sometimes forget, when someone startles me. Tonight, that happened. That's fine, I'm human.
She was quiet the rest of the night, sulking. I was comfortable with her silence. Years earlier, I'd have felt responsible to make her feel better. That's not my job, thank God.
***********************************************
There's a great organization that helps people overcome co-dependency, Al-Anon Family Groups. No, this is not a nick name for Alcoholics Anonymous. That program is for problemed drinkers.Every thing that follows, written in blue is a link for further information.
Al-Anon Family Groups is a nonprofit organization for friends, family and co-workers of Alcoholics. Alcoholism affects all who come in contact with it. This program offers principles that teaches us to focus on our needs, behavior and feelings and not just that of others, usually the Alcoholic. It's very easy to have the twin disease of being addicted to unhealthy relationships and losing our life of centeredness.
We know this is our plight if we are over-sensitive to how others feel. We are with another person and they are agitated. We instantly want to placate. An individual is depressed, we feel it is our job to make them happy or entertain them. If this is our response, we have diseased thinking and priorities. We are co-dependent. Don't feel bad if you are. More than 90% of all people are co-dependent.
Here are some characteristics, see if you can relate with any of them:
Compliance patterns:
§ I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
§ I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
§ I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
§ I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
§ I accept sex and/or sexual attention when I want love.
§ I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
§ I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
§ I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
It wounds my ego, too, whenever I realize I've slipped back into the no-win world codependency. I have to be vigilant, if I want to avoid this trap that leads me to despair, resentment and self-loathing. I need to always place healthy relational principles over the vulnerable areas in my life---those places where I want to please others, even if when doing so goes against my boundaries, feelings and needs.************************************************
There's a liberation from the tyranny of other people's feelings when we learn to be responsive to, but not be responsible for, the feelings of others. For an encouraging, uplifting perspective regarding codependency and alternatives to this unhealthy way of living, please click here.
I wish you a terrific day, one where you can stand in your personal power, recovery and integrity. When you do, you enjoy a fantastic life, filled with healthy friends and fullfilment.
1. How do you respond when someone lets you know they are disappointed in you?
2. What do you find is helpful for people to do, if they find themselves in the compliance mode, as defined above.
3. What gratitudes might you have, as a result of this post?
Related Post:
The Grand Prix of Life
Image: "Cumbria: Langdale Fells and Esk Pass" by Tim Blessed. All rights reserved. Used by permission.
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8 comments:
This is an area I am learning a lot about. I recently stood up for myself when my music teacher was using crude language and gestures to get his points across and it made me fell uncomfortable. I spoke up and now I feel more of a partnership between us. I feel stronger. I think these changes might take decades though, not something one can learn overnight.
I do have a problem with feeling that it's my responsibility to placate others. I often have a very guilty conscience it I feel that I have, even inadvertently, said or done something that may have caused angst. I realize that I'm not responsible for everyone's feelings, but I still someties "feel" responsible. It's something I need to work on.
Vanessa,
Good to see you. I posted over at your place this morning.
Hurray for you! Didn't feel good to stand for your values?? Yes, it can take time to retrain our responses to others.
I've found in my practice, however, that with a supportive mentor or counselor, a person can see dramatic changes within 2-3 months.
It does take reassessing many of our errant ideals. Learning how to respond and not react to the drama we encounter in life, is worth the effort, though. We enjoy a peace of mind when we are able to stand in our power---like you did---our personal growth, and our integrity----where we adhere to our values.
Keith,
Thanks for your honesty. I like the authenticity in your answer. Good to see you, this morning.
I find that it's important remembering that I want to be responsive to, but not responsible for, the feelings of others. That is a fine distinction, but a major one, too.
Our feelings are our property. Other people's feelings are theirs. It's important realizing that no one can make anyone happy, sad, angry or any other feeling without that other person giving them permission to do so.
It also helps remembering that to feel responsible for another's feelings is crossing of boundaries.
You might want to take a look at the post, "Letting Go" you can find it on my right sidebar, under the most popular post for this month.
I love this discussion---it's fantastic enjoying community and insights from different parts of this continent!
A grateful innkeeper
Missed blogging last due to nap that turned to deep sleep through the night. My 3 gratitdues:
1. That my friend has allowed me access to a physical therapy device that helps stretch my body to relieve pain of low back condition. I believe the benefit of the session is that i slept so soundly and woke w/o the usually pain that greets me each morning.
2. That I continue to progress with success thru the increasingly difficult medical terminology for my employment retraining. I look to move a bit more slowly but must press on to meet my goal. The tests tell me that I am retaining material altho it does not always feel that way.
3. That my ansering device cuts down on useless messages left from telemarketig firms. If the machines answers I am spared an unwanted message and waste of my time.
I feel my thought process shifting as i continue w/my daily gratitudes and ususally have way more than 3!
thank you!
I am not responsible for the moods and drama of others. I am a good listener though but nudge others, like sponsees, to get to the real point. We take our own inventory and figure out the boundaries for unacceptable behavior.
Aileen,
Thanks for sharing three gratitudes! I love it when guests to the inn do that.
You must be relieved to find something that allows you to sleep soundly. It looks like your persistence is paying off with your studies.
Hey, if you have more than three gratitudes, please feel free to post them, too. Often, I have more than three.
Syd,
It's a hard lesson to learn, that we aren't responsible for the feelings of others. For me, I wanted to be "nice." I used to feel I wasn't nice, if I did not respond in the way others want. I found out that type of thinking often was a recipe for disaster.
A person's feelings is their property. We are to take care of our own disappointments, even if others are the cause.
Thank you for the insights you add to the inn.
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