Hi everyone,
I'm leaving this with you. I wrote this last year, on May 30th. I revised it a bit. It deals with an issue we sometimes face. I'd love hearing your thoughts.
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When I'm engaged in a difference with someone, being aware that my knowledge is limited, is helpful. I don't know what's right in every given situation. During these times, I've grateful for the acronym: THINK. When immersed in a difficult conversation with another, I ask, "are my comments and behavior Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary and Kind?"
Responding, Not Reacting to Emotionally Charged Conversations
In the heat of an emotionally charged conversation, it easy to
let it rip---------- using the icepick of hateful, harmful words, to dig at the vulnerabilities of another person's soul. The problem with using such words is that we can't take them back, even if we apologize. The damage is done.
For years, if not decades, comments said in a moment of haste continue to strike their mark, crippling not only the intended victim, but the relationship as well. Talking in such a way has no appeal for me. I prefer to respond rather than react to negativity I encounter with another person. Fortunately, difficult, emotionally laden moments are few and far between.
I've found that when I'm invested in an outcome, I may not want to hear what another person who disagrees with me, says. If I'm not keeping an open mind, I will not listen to a comment that impedes my agenda. Not a good way to live, I know.
I can always grow and learn. I'm just one person on this earth. Anyone I'll listen to, as long as they are respectful when expressing their views. Also, it helps knowing that empathy does not mean agreement. It simply means we are connecting to the cares and needs communicated by another.
Cold, snide comments, sarcasm (which means to peel away flesh, in Latin) and shaming others doesn't serve anyone. One way I uphold the dignity of others is by listening. Maturity allows me to be receptive, even to those who oppose me. I like the following quote on this subject by Chuck Swindoll.
"Maturity is moving from a hard heart and a thin skin to a soft heart and a thick skin."I want to be kind when listening to someone who upsets me. Anger and bitterness don't meet my need for serenity. I'm grateful for learning how to relate with others.
I'm thankful for principles that bridge the gap of my inadequacies. As a child, I didn't have a voice. My opinions were were irrelevant, if they differed from the authority figures in my childhood life: my parents, teachers or spiritual leaders. It wasn't modeled for me, how to have healthy dialog with others.
I'm glad that I now express my voice, my opinion; but it is just as good to sit listen and be patient with others, hearing their point of view. Staying engaged with those we whom we disagree is an area where I've grown. I've learned that we can have different points of view without either of us being wrong.
Often, when I treat others respectfully, I am heard. We are met by the traits we show. I may not get my way. But there's something valuable about this process.
Hearing out others is showing dignity to my fellowman. I'm making the world a bit better, one relationship at a time. I'm learning how to know the vastness of my feelings without being controlled by them. I can stand for my values without standing against others. Fearful control of others is being replaced by faith in healthier, life-affirming principles, like THINK.
So, How About You?
2. What do you think of Chuck Swindoll's quote?
3. Do you exercise your voice, when you differ with another? When you do, is their anything you do that makes it easier to do so? comfortable for you?
My Gratitudes for Monday 4/23/12
1. I invest in myself when I meet with friends who have common sense and wisdom.2. I'm thankful for slowing down and absorbing what I receive when I study or am with others.
3. I'm look forward to my future. I can't wait to see how God will use it for my healing, growth, prosperity, abundance and happiness.
4. I'll be riding bikes with a friend tomorrow. This is someone new. I look forward to the time we'll share.
Posts
4 comments:
I love the Chuck Swindoll quote...very apropos. I definitely think that most conflict could be de-escalated if one person involved in the conflict made a conscious decision to disengage and essentially say "We'll agree to disagree". I realize it's not this simply every time, but I think that having this mindset could avoid many a confrontaion.
Keith,
It's hard to play tug-of-war, if someone let's go of the rope. I'm glad you liked the quote from Swindoll.
I find conflicts are reduced if I express the need beneath my feelings. People are more inclined to hear me, when I do.
It also helps if I use empathy towards the person that I disagree with. If I can connect with their feelings and needs, they realize I'm trying to connect with them. The "jackal" within them no longer needs to rip at me or howl--raise it's voice---because they see I'm in tune with what bothers them.
Good resource: http://BayAreaNVC.org.
Thanks for your thoughts. It makes what I do here worthwhile.
THINK has taught me to pause, which allows me to get in touch w/my own self, moderate my own reaction so that I can respond with intent to discharge or at least deflect the negative energy coming my way. Sometimes that means not speaking immediately, or not at all.
Here are my 3 gratitudes for this day.
1. Serendipity graced me today. While out on an errand I stopped in to see someone I once worked with. To my humble surprise, I was presented w/a lovely portable cloth tea caddy from her mom, whom I had met only once. I have not seen or talked w/her in over a year. My friend told me that her mom made it expressly with me in mind. I am grateful that I am held so fondly in her memory. That experience was wonderful for me, to know that I am so considered and favored.I am slowly undoing a defense mechanism in my head which says that no one sees me, ever (in spite of being 5'10" w/a salt and pepper afro!!)
2. FLOWERS FLOWERS EVERYWHERE!!! As I was walking to the building I live in, I was greeted by the overgrown and untamed flower bed which spilled over with stunningly glorious California Poppies -- such a delight! A smile sprang to my face from my heart in appreciate for their arresting beauty! God really makes some great stuff for us, no?
3. The words "there but for the grace of God go I" came to me during a study session this afternoon. My front room window looks out onto the avenue 3 stories below. As I took an eyeball break from the computer and the textbooks I was engrossed in, I saw her. I cannot remember her name tho I've seen her for years and sometimes we will stop and talk for a few minutes when our paths cross on the avenue where I live. She is a special needs person. I've noticed over the last few years that she is getting heavier, that her gait tells me she is having pain, that she is walking much more slowly, pausing often, and that she actually stops walking for a few moments, to catch her breath perhaps. That is when I heard my inner voice speak these words. I immediately closed my eyes and said a prayer for her and felt gratitude fill me, for truly, not a one of us has control over what physical body or condition that body will be for our earth walk. This was a deeply humbling experience for me, as it allowed me to feel my gratitude for the enormous blessing of health that I enjoy, as I continue to work w/my own physical challenges.
Life is good, no?
Good night and have a great tomorrow!
Aileen,
What an wonderful surprise you had! I'm happy hearing there are still people who do random acts of kindness. You must have been touched and encouraged by the gift you received. The fact that this mother of a friend made this caddy for you must have made your day.
I agree with you. God is good. Regarding the poppies you saw: Flowers are the music of the ground
From earth's lips spoken without sound.
Edwin Curran
Thank you, very much, for the poetic ruminations in your gratitudes. I'm touched you took the time to share them not only with me, but with the many others who drop by here, daily. It is comments like yours and those of others who sign the registry of this inn that make what I do here worthwhile.
Thank you for making my day. Your comments were a blessing I needed. By the way, you DEFINITELY have an Attitude of Gratitude. I was uplifted by what you shared.
How easy it is to be busy, engrossed in ourselves. Thank you for reminding us to be aware of the gifts life offers us---even if it's just our health, something easily overlooked.
Every day, as a person who in the past two years almost died twice, due to a potentially deadly disease, I am keenly aware of the vitality I celebrate.
The Innkeeper
P.S. Two years ago I had MRSA. A year ago last February I had pneumonia for a week, my temperature during that time was over 102 degrees, with it peaking at one point to 105 degrees. That scared the bejesus out of me. Yikes!
It appears God is not done with what he wants to do through me. Btw, I wouldn't have met most of you.
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