Friday, July 29

No Cat and Mouse for the Innkeeper 7/29/16

          I was pre-sent.

          No, I don't mean the opposite of being absent.  I mean I was con-scious and aware while relating with someone.  Not only did we visit when we saw each other that Tuesday night, but
later we talked after the midnight hour.

          I met her that evening.  In her thirties, she was fit, attractive, smart, articulate.  She was the speaker at the event I attended that night.

          And she showed interest.  In me.  Fancy that.  This gathering took place in Berkeley, California.  More than thirty people attended.  Eight I knew for more than twelve years.

          It had been eight years since I visited this circle of friends.  Eve-ryone was nice.  Including her.  Especially her.

          Several approached me afterward.  They had follow-up questions about what I said earlier.  I was the last person to share.  I spoke about remedies for depression.  That's when the evening got weird.

          The woman I mentioned a few paragraphs earlier and I talked.  This brunette liked my insights.  Our conversation was lively, positive.  Before I stepped away, she asked for my phone number.

          I scribbled my number on a scrap of paper, with my fountain pen.  I walked away.  She followed, asking if she could get a hug.  We did.

     With a friend, I ate papadam and had a mango lassi afterward.  At an Indian restaurant I love, a few blocks away from tonight's event.  I am not normally in that area----Albany, so I took advantage of the opportunity.  At 11:03 p.m., while still at the Cafe Raj, the woman I met texted me.  "So good to meet you!"

        When I got home, a conversation by text ensued with this woman.  She didn't want to talk by phone.  "This is odd, but I'll go with it," I thought.  We parlayed back and forth, punching away on our phones.

        She preferred "outreach texts."  The dynamic between us was in-teresting.  I didn't say good.  In fact, it wasn't.  The hackles on the back of my neck were rising.  This was not my preferred way of communicating.  I let her know.

        Within an hour of relating through text, I had enough.  I told her I was going to bed.  If she wanted to have a conversation, call me, I texted.

        I added that if we spoke I would not listen to respond.  I would listen to understand.  She texted, "Very nice.  :) "  And that was that.

        I am thankful for presence. It is the ability to feel and sense ourselves and our surrounding in the here and now, with-out the white noise of our insecurities blaring in the hall-ways of our mind.

        It happens when we are relaxed with who we are.  I am comfortable in my own skin.

        Being present during the text conversation let me know relating with this athletic, pretty, thirty-somethingish woman had as much appeal as kissing a dead fish.  I concluded this not three weeks after spend-ing time with her.  Not three months later.  But after one hour in her presence.

        Texting her.

       What turned me off?  She tried controlling the conversa-tion.  That is a big idiot light on my relational dashboard.  Secondly, she played a cat-and-mouse game while relating with me.

       Conscious and aware people look for other conscious and aware people with whom they can connect with.

     My interpretation was that she wanted me to chase her.  No thanks.  Not my style.

      That means not playing games with each other.

       When connecting with a person we want to notice our intent.  Are we doing so to relate with them?  Or are we connecting with the person to control them, trying to manipulate the outcome we want?  If we are, we are an unsafe person.  If the other person is trying to control us, they are unsafe.

         You can imagine who I discovered was unsafe.

        Here's the sad news.  Ninety-six percent of the world is co-dependent.  That means the same percentage have the intention to control a situation, because of their fears and insecurities.  Their incli-nation is to manipulate.  When that happens, distance and distrust develop.

        It is best not hoping, believing the best in others when relating.  Especially when we have a history with the person and know their nature is not pleasant nor altruistic.  This greatly reduces the likeli-hood of disappointment.

        It is better, if we want happiness, being aware of this fact.
Discernment  helps us not be gullible.  When relating with people who
do not have recovery, ninety-six percent of the time we will be let down.

        Presence and discern-ment improve our rela-tionships.  They help us when trusting someone.  Dis-cernment is necessary when believing others.  It is better observing what a person does.  His words may confuse us.  But this person's actions clear -ly reveal his true priorities.

        Most people have an agenda.  Frequently, unfortunately, they do not consider our wants and feelings.  When we are present, we are vulnerable, yet discerning.

        It is the opposite of being controlling.  It is the better road to take.  When we are present---and there is a problem---we try to discover the outcome.  We do not manipulate it.

        Conversations are mutual when we are relating, being present.  Not one-way, as it is when we or others are controlling.

        We also know our wants and express them.

        Being present means we are aware of what is happening in the here and now.  It is the compassion of being kind to our-selves.  We are not distracted from our needs by fear or the need to please others.  Like when I was texting the woman in today's story.

        At that moment, I was in touch with what was going on inside me.  There is a difference between our judgments and interpretations, and reality.  Being present eliminates this mental static, helping us see life, others and circumstances more clearly.

        When we are present discussions are reciprocal.  When relating happens, trust and intimacy grow.  Relationships are cleaner, safer, more satisfying.  Everyone's needs are met.

        The cat and mouse disappear.

        Wishing you a great and grateful Saturday,


1 comment:

Thumper said...

Dear Pablo,

What you said about relating to others helps me to think about how I need to monitor my intent when interacting. What is the intent on my end and what is the intent of the person I am connecting with? Recently I interacted with someone unsafe, manipulative and controlling. It was all about her and her wants and needs. She got angry when she did not get her way, but I stood my ground and connected with her on a mature level as she was trying to be controlling. The old me would have given in because Of my people pleasing tendencies. Not this time, which shows that I am growing.

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