We should expect struggles with others.
Especially when hurdling significant issues in a relationship. Conflict happens.
Especially when hurdling significant issues in a relationship. Conflict happens.
One crucial pattern prevents a relationship from growing. We do not see our contribution to the difficulties we have with others. This makes resolution unattainable.
We can be negative. On occasion, we exercise toxic behavior, preventing our relationships from thriving. Such behavior alienates our connection with others.
Our inner struggles prevent us from healthy, in-depth relating. Toxicity inhibits authenticity----being our true selves.
One tough challenge involves identifying it. Sometimes we can't discern our issues. (See here.) It can be painful, admitting we contribute to our struggles with others.
Often, our lack of discernment results from false beliefs created in childhood.
When we take ownership of behavior that does not serve us, relationships improve. The following is a list of toxic signs we sometimes are guilty of:
Often, our lack of discernment results from false beliefs created in childhood.
When we take ownership of behavior that does not serve us, relationships improve. The following is a list of toxic signs we sometimes are guilty of:
A. Rarely is something one person's fault.
1. Usually, we play a role, too.
2. It's a red flag if we think everyone is out to get us. That is not reality. It is impor-tant working on our contribution.
2. It's a red flag if we think everyone is out to get us. That is not reality. It is impor-tant working on our contribution.
B. We Are Sur-rounded By People Who Make Life Mis-erable.
1. A toxic person stays in an unacceptable situation. In recovery, we learn to not accept unacceptable behavior.
C. We Accept the Victim's Role
1. We Blame Others for Our Problems.
"Freedom comes from taking responsibility; bondage comes from giving it away."
2. We don't address our part in the problems we face.Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal
3. A individual living with recovery relates with emotionally healthy people.
It's best to take responsibility for our feelings, attitudes, and behavior. We express the needs beneath our feelings. We learn:
"If we feel like a doormat, we need to get off the floor." Courage to Change, 361.
Staying in the solution is finding the steps necessary to have the life we want. This requires awareness of our present experience and using acceptance to move beyond our difficulties.
Possible Action Steps
2. Evaluate our contribution.
a. Be honest. Admit our failures to those we've wronged.
b. Make things right, using amends.
3. Use Nonviolent Communication when someone irritates us.
a. It is empowering; it eliminates blame or complaining.
b. Express what is alive within us, our needs and feelings. This is being present.
4. Avoid the "Poor Me Victim" position.
a. When doing that, we blame the entire problem on the other person.
A. From our earliest days in grade school, we've been tempted into conversations that hurt others and malign their character.
1. Gossip is a part of life. It will likely continue forever.
2. Avoid being an active participant. We can't hold a person down with gossip without staying down with them.
B. We don't want to be the hub for this toxicity circulating within our circle of friends.
1. Walk away from conversations that hurt others.
1. Gossip is a part of life. It will likely continue forever.
2. Avoid being an active participant. We can't hold a person down with gossip without staying down with them.
B. We don't want to be the hub for this toxicity circulating within our circle of friends.
1. Walk away from conversations that hurt others.
a. Talking negatively about others never contributes towards the"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth but only such word as is good for edification, according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear." Ephesian 4:29
common welfare.
b. It is not constructive.
c. It robs a group of the unity it can have.
2. Don't be associated with negativity.
C. It's understandable having the need to vent after an argument. It's one thing having a confidante we can trust. It's another issue engaging in "trash talk."
If something bothers us, take a few moments to gather our thoughts. Speak our concerns directly.
Taking Action
1. Get honest with yourself about hurtful things said or done to others.
a. Determine the feelings beneath our judgments and express them instead.
2. If someone confronts our actions.
a. Take a deep breath and own our unacceptable behavior.
"An admission of error is a sign of strength rather than weakness." Goethe
'Fessing up reveals teachability. We demonstrate humility, admitting we are less than perfect.
d. Make amends if needed.
1. Ask what you can do to make things right.
2. Apologies are not helpful.
e. Commit to being more respectful in the future.
"An admission of error is a sign of strength rather than weakness." Goethe
'Fessing up reveals teachability. We demonstrate humility, admitting we are less than perfect.
d. Make amends if needed.
1. Ask what you can do to make things right.
2. Apologies are not helpful.
e. Commit to being more respectful in the future.
Taking A Better Look
Earlier, a passage was cited. We are going to zero in on it. The quote tells us there are four helpful qualities to have in mind when talking with others:
Not a pretty image, is it?
Earlier, a passage was cited. We are going to zero in on it. The quote tells us there are four helpful qualities to have in mind when talking with others:
"Let no unwholesome words proceed from your mouth."Firstly, this passage informs us we want to make sure our words are wholesome. In this Ephesians passage, the word for unwholesome referred to maggot-infested fruit. The writer paints a picture. When we gossip, it is like maggots pouring from our mouths.
Not a pretty image, is it?
Much better is a restorative conversation. The following steps share how that is possible.
Secondly, the writer encourages us to let it build up, not tear down others when we speak. We get the word building---edifice---from edification. We'll need to remove judgment and gossip from our conversation."[Say] only such a word as is good for edification."
What can we say that is constructive? What can we share that helps people feel better because of our time? This is a terrific way of focusing on what we say.
"According to the need of the moment."Thirdly, the passage tells us we want to speak that is timely and relevant for the moment.
This means we do not dump the truck on a person, bringing up all the hurtful things in the past that bother us about them when we are upset with them. We stay focused and present, stating what is the vexing issue right now. We are neither hysterical nor historical when talking to someone who troubles us.
Now, grace means a quick prayer before a meal. Or it is a girl's name.
Grace used in the quote refers to leaving a healing, restorative impact on the one we are relating with. This is our goal regarding the result we want to leave after being with a person. Typically, this is the exact opposite of how we want to be when we are perturbed. Right?
When angry, we want to verbally stab the person who bothers us. The idea of being gracious when irritated is quite a rebuke to us, isn't it?
This idea of grace is in keeping with a comment made by Oprah Winfrey:
Do people feel more lighthearted? Have they laughed during their time with us? If so, we have given grace to those we have spent time with.
Lastly, the result of our conversations should bring grace. We don't use this word anymore. What does this mean?"That it may give grace to those who hear."
Now, grace means a quick prayer before a meal. Or it is a girl's name.
Grace used in the quote refers to leaving a healing, restorative impact on the one we are relating with. This is our goal regarding the result we want to leave after being with a person. Typically, this is the exact opposite of how we want to be when we are perturbed. Right?
When angry, we want to verbally stab the person who bothers us. The idea of being gracious when irritated is quite a rebuke to us, isn't it?
This idea of grace is in keeping with a comment made by Oprah Winfrey:
Do individuals feel they are better because they spent time with us? Do they feel more at ease? Do they feel loved, and cared for? If so, we dished out grace during our time spent with them; we have given grace to those who hear (from us)."We may not remember what a person says after we were with them. But we will remember how we felt after we spent time with them."
Do people feel more lighthearted? Have they laughed during their time with us? If so, we have given grace to those we have spent time with.
III. We Take More Than We Give
A. Problems arise if we have a never-ending string of requests. But we do not return the favor.
1. Do we find ourselves hiding when others ask for help?
2. Do we make excuses for why we don't lend a hand or offer assistance?
a. If so, it won't be long before people stop responding to our pleas in times of need.
"He who has friends must show himself friendly." Jewish proverb
In other words, if we want friends, we need to be one.
"He who has friends must show himself friendly." Jewish proverb
In other words, if we want friends, we need to be one.
Taking Action
1. Think of someone having a hard time.
1. Think of someone having a hard time.
a. Offer a few ways in which we can help.
2. Be realistic and honest if we are struggling or strapped for time.
a. We can say something like, "I wish I could do more but, right now, I'm able to…"
3. Start small if you have to. Anything is better than nothing!
IV. Our Friends Have Disappeared
A. When people leave us, they tend to do it qui-etly. They want to avoid an uncomfortable confrontation.
1. They are, after all, pulling away for a reason. It's not until a special occasion, crisis, or signifi- cant event occurs that we realize how alone we've become.
B. If our birthday rolls around and no one offers to celebrate with us, we might have to acknowledge our friends have jumped ship.
1. It can be tempting to get mad.
a. We might feel like sending angry messages, demanding an explanation for their behavior.
2. If we want answers, the wise thing would be to reflect on our recent behavior.
a. Have we been negative, demanding, or overly dramatic?
b. More than likely, we have pushed people away without realizing it.
Taking Action:
1. Be honest with ourselves about why our friends have gone into hiding.
2. Reach out, and allow them to express their frustration with our behavior.
3. Decide whether the friendship is worth saving.
a. If it is, make amends for our actions, not apologies.
b. Commit to making improvements.
V. Our Life Is Constantly Full of Drama
A. Everyone can go through some pretty intense moments in their lives.
1. Sometimes, we honestly can't help what's happening to us.
2. All we can do is stay strong while focusing on improving our situation.
B. It's entirely different, however, if we thrive when things are going wrong. For many of us, it was our normalcy while growing up.
1. Drama can be addictive.
a. We might have become hooked on the attention
received when our life is in tatters.
b. We might be on the precipice of being the boy
who cried wolf too much.
2. But your loved ones will grow tired of listening to endless complaints.
received when our life is in tatters.
b. We might be on the precipice of being the boy
who cried wolf too much.
2. But your loved ones will grow tired of listening to endless complaints.
a. We want to find solutions to our problems.
b. If we relish the hopelessness of a dramatic existence,
we've probably allowed toxicity to enter our lives.
What Can We Do?
b. If we relish the hopelessness of a dramatic existence,
we've probably allowed toxicity to enter our lives.
What Can We Do?
1. Explore the reasons why we might be attracting drama.
2. Identify any negative patterns that keep things on the crazier side.
a. Like, do we hang out with toxic people?
a. Like, do we hang out with toxic people?
3. It's possible that we feel ignored and neglected by loved ones.
a. If so, communicate how you are feeling and then find new, productive ways to keep in touch.
VI. We Can't Let Go
VI. We Can't Let Go
A. It can be really hard to move on when we've been hurt or disappointed by someone or something. Most of us, though, find our way through these tough moments and begin
looking forward to the happier times that lie ahead.
looking forward to the happier times that lie ahead.
B. We may refuse to cut ties with people who hurt us or we are determined to hold a grudge.
1. It might become very difficult for those around us to be supportive. One of the main reasons for this is that things will never improve as long as we stay in a toxic situation or mindset.
2. If we aren't willing to take the necessary steps to better our life, why should we expect others to stick around and listen to us complain?
2. If we aren't willing to take the necessary steps to better our life, why should we expect others to stick around and listen to us complain?
Taking Action
1. Accept someone's apology and work hard on forgiveness.
2. Remember that "Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt." Also, "We cannot keep a person down without staying down with him."
2. Remember that "Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt." Also, "We cannot keep a person down without staying down with him."
2. Stop obsessing over, and throw away, mementos from a failed relationship.
3. Find a new hobby where you can make new friends.
It's not easy — moving on takes effort — but if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day you will look back and be able to see how far you've come.
VII. We Have An Intense Need to Be Right
A. There's a saying: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Wouldn't it be great if we could be both right and happy all the time? Sure! Is that possible or realistic? Abso- lutely not.
B. Besides, in most situations, there will be more than one way to be "right." It's all about compromise and seeing other people's perspectives! This is the Tradition Two perspective.
C. You find yourself irritated. You made a mistake at work, or one of your theories was proven wrong by someone else.
1. We might need to ask if these arguments are worth damaging our relationships or hamper- ing our ability to be happy.
2. It might be hard conceding to others. But life will be easier once we see how much more peaceful our life becomes.
Taking Action
1. Resist the need to jump in with a fact or detail that proves you are correct.
2. Learn to be content with allowing others to find their own answers, especially if it means keeping the peace.
3. Learn to say, "You might be right." After all, how important is it, to always be right?
a. All we are doing is making ourselves annoying to others when we are unable to budge.
VIII. We Tend to Focus On the Negative
A. When you find yourself focusing on what could go wrong in a situation or if you constantly feel the need to give those around you a "re-ality check," you have begun to place a higher value on negativity than all of the positives that exist around you.
B. After a while, this behavior attracts other toxic, negative people.
1. You may find yourself struggling to feel good about anything.
Taking Action
1. Surround yourself with positive people.
2. Be honest with others that you are trying to be less pessimistic.
3. Create a gratitude journal.
a. Before bed, list five things that happened during your day for which you are thankful. It's a game and perspective changer!
A. Think about the last time you sat down and talked with a friend.
1. Did the conversa-tion volley back and forth between you or was it more one-sided?
2. If you determine your issues and interests dominated the discussion, extend your reflection to all of your interactions. Are you regularly hogging the spotlight, cutting people off?
B. There are few things more frustrating and toxic than going through the effort of meeting a friend for a lunch date and then spending the next hour trying to get a word in edgewise. It's inconsiderate, selfish, and sends the message that you aren't interested in anyone else's life but your own.
Taking Action
1. If you realize you are dominating the conversation, make a date with a friend.
a. Let them do all the talking.
b. Get things back on an even playing field, and learn more about what's been happening in their life.
c. Show them they are important to you.
d. Going forward, make an effort to keep the conversation balanced so that you both walk away feeling heard and valued.
X. A More Positive Future
A. So don't feel bad if we identify with several signs of being toxic.
1. Commit to making healthy changes, make amends with those offended.
2. It's no fun realizing we are responsible for bringing negativity into our life as well as those around us.
B. We may find we are running in circles, repeatedly fighting the same battles.
1. We alienate friends.
2. We are overwhelmed with pessimism.
C. When we find ourselves in such a place, we need to step back and evaluate what is truly causing our problems.
The good news is that, the sooner we take owner-ship of our role in our unhappiness, the quicker we kick toxic, alienating behaviors to the curb. This list of negative qualities shows up in the best of us.
Commit to making healthy changes. When we do, we are creating a better today and tomorrow. When times are tough, we'll feel stronger.
Consider using the action steps suggested. When we do, we create and attract a positive, supportive community. It will help us during times of trouble. We will move from singing the blues to enjoying a life that is exciting because of the close, authentic relationships we now share.
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