Getting What We Tolerate (And, Thankful for My Reptilian Mind) ..................4/3/12

 “Grace isn’t a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal.
 It’s a way to live. ”       — Attributed to Jacqueline Winspear

       Good evening one and all,
Did you have a good day?  I did. I'll get to keeping our cool when with an angry person and about using our reptilian mind after these gratitudes.
My Gratitudes for Monday:
1.  I got a ride to San Leandro and back on Sunday; a friend took me there. Going there is a part of my Sunday routine.  I've had adventures on my way to and from this place, while using my bike.
     I was touched by Naomi's offer.  I am grateful for her sensitive nature. She overheard about my accident last Sunday while we shared lunch with friends on Saturday.
2.  I rested and exercised today, two good things to do. Monday is my day off.
     I rode my bike for 13 miles throughout the island city where I live. I explored the northern and eastern shores. I ventured into areas I've never been to before.  I really like discovering new places and celebrating my health. My legs are taking me everywhere, thanks to my bike.
Not Letting Others Determine My Feelings
Relating With an Angry Person
     Thirdly, a person I see often got agitated today. I'm glad I took a deep breath, smiled within and didn't allow his moodiness to determine mine.
      Realizing he was emotionally intoxicated at the time allowed me to not take it personally. Fortunately, he's not a family member nor a friend.
      I'm responsible for my feelings. No one can disturb me without me giving them permission to do so.  And so-and-so is responsible for his feelings, but he doesn't know that.
4. I'm thankful that I've learned to be responsive to, but not responsible for the feelings of others, including this guy who periodically blows his top.
5. I enjoyed a serene day.  I loved spending time doing research, one of my favorite things to do.
6. I cooked good, healthy meals today. I'm glad that I'm taking care of my physical welfare, I'm the only one who make it my number one priority.
7.  It's fun not using my car. Most of my clients I see at an office on the island where I live, making it an easy commute---a eight minute walk to the office. Can't beat that.

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Trusting My Reptilian Mind
Being Internally Referented, Trusting Our Judgment, Regardless What Others Think
          Recently, I heard someone give a talk.  It was an ordeal. The speaker did not share what she was supposed to talk about: her personal growth. Instead, she spoke in order to draw attention to herself.
          She tried being witty and funny, attempting to endear herself with the audience. When listening to a speaker, I seek content that can help me grow as a person. After listening for five minutes, I wanted to leave. There were two problems.  Someone else gave me a ride to the event, my home was eight miles away and, it was raining outside. So, I was stuck.
         The talk was insufferable.  I find it best when a person speaks from their fullness, and not from their neediness----their desire to win the approval of others. Deleting twenty-eight sent text messages and thirty-four received text messages on my phone is what I ended up doing while she stood before the audience.
         Being confined to this room with this speaker became a spiritual practice. It provided me with an opportunity to exercise patience.  I breathed out the feelings of disgust that percolated within me as she spoke. More in a moment, as to why I reacted strongly to this woman.
Improving the Pablo Piper People Picker
         I'm glad my "people picker" is more attuned. Ten years ago, I would not trust my judgment. I'd blame myself, there must have been something wrong with me if I did not like what I heard from a speaker. It was my fault, I was being too picky.
         Now, I don't accept unacceptable behavior or comments.  Narcissists, I avoid.  The speaker I knew: I dated her last December.  I'm well acquainted with her. That's a piece of information that lets you know why I had a tough time stomaching her comments.
         In January she's betrayed my confidence. She also lied. Additionally, when with her, she wanted my support----my advice---yet was unable and unwilling to reciprocate, when I needed it.  Mutuality in friendships is indispensable. I don't like being used, and that's what I feel like when it doesn't go both ways.
         Oh, yeah, when we had conversations, they were all about her. The first time I met her, I interrupted her when she did that. I said, "You've been talking for twenty minutes without my getting a word in. For the next twenty minutes I'll talk. Part of my growth as a person is having mutuality in my relationships."
        This was being present, while with her. I didn't accept an unacceptable, one-sided conversation.
Getting What We Tolerate.
         That  conversation, on our first date, was my first inkling of who she was. I paid attention when my reptilian mind screamed an alert to the cognitive part of me.  When relating, I don't care to be an audience of one----allowing others to talk exclusively about themselves. That's not an equal relationship.  It makes me angry, annoyed and dissatisfied when that happens.
          There are five key words, that have served me in good stead, when connecting with others.  The extraordinary healthy principle behind these words has saved me from many an unsafe relationship:
          We get what we tolerate.
           I don't care being with narcissists. There will never be mutuality, compassion, sensitivity or emotional safety when relating with them. I've learned this the hard way.
          With this person whom I'll name Alice, I discerned these qualities about her within two weeks of meeting her. Another principle that guides me when relating with others in general and with Alice in particular:

We need to believe a person the first time they tell us who they are. 

         Unfortunately,  I realized who she was when a mutual friend told me the gossip she said about me, to him.  This is where our reptilian mind comes to the fore and demonstrates its value. I don't care to be stung by scorpions. That is what they do.  No amount of defensive hope will change this fact. And gossipers and narcissists are scorpions.
        The reptilian part of me detects fear, caution and other primal feelings.  Unfortunately our cognitive selves often overrules it, to our detriment.  It doesn't want to believe the information it receives. We also call this denial.
        Now---fortunately, for my sanity and serenity----I respect this basic part of my mind.  Awareness of its signals allow me to be in the moment, alert to what's going on within me. As a result, my life is more "alive" and full.
        I also trust reptilian wisdom; it prevents me from me from stepping into many a snare.  It has increased my discernment and protects my emotional well being. And because of the maturation this part of me that it has provided, I enjoy more moments of having an Attitude of Gratitude.
How About You?
1.  What helps you to not allow others to determine your mood?
2.  Can you think of moments when your intuition, your primal self, forewarned you about impending trouble?
3.  How do you know, at the visceral level, when you are in danger?