Dealing with Difficult Others, A Reply to a Comment 4/18/12

A view, from Crown Beach in Alameda, of a portion

 of the SF Peninsula.The City is on the right. This 

view continues to the left, for miles. 

       Good evening,

I'll get to dealing with difficult others in just a minute. I just want to check in and let you know how I'm doing. Was I tired. I took a nap late tonight. I just
got up.

        I've been riding my bike intensely the past few weeks. Today was no different, except that someone else joined me and I rode in the afternoon.

       We circumnavigated the town I live in, using recently discovered paths. We rolled along different parts of this island city's shoreline.  It was fun being on paths that were away from people and cars.  It had been awhile since I've seen a snake. I was careful to avoid one that crossed the trail as we scooted by.

       The calls of the waterfowl were distinct, the lapping of the bay waters against the edges of this town was clear and soothing as we pressed on through dirt paths. The vista was schizophrenic. On the left side were views of the bay and homes dotted along the coast. To our right was the silhouette of the mountainous San Francisco Peninsula and further right, The City itself, its towers jutting into the clear sky.

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       Recently, in comments to an earlier post, Vanessa penned this about abusive others:

I am usually pretty good at reflection. People sling words that are hurtful and I brush them off my shoulders. The problem is when you go back to that person over and over again….over time, your armor wears off and little splinters of negativity embed themselves in your skin. It takes time to let those splinters come to the surface so we can remove with love and care, one by one.

       She mentions several good issues.  Instead of tucking away my response in the comments section of this inn, I'm adding my two cents.

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        I've learned I deserve better than to tolerate unkind or abusive behavior from others. It's not my job to change anyone. I find it best bonding with those who are supportive. As I do, it becomes easier to detach from those who harm me. I avoid relating with those who are hurtful.

        My experience is that when I bond with the good, it becomes easier to detach from those who don't meet my need for emotional safety, my well being and harmony.

        It not my job to change others, even those who are unkind. There's only one God, and I am not Him. What I can do is live and let live---it's just that I'll do without those who trouble me; I won't make them a part of my intimate social network.

[I will not] deny my truth, stuff my feelings and act as if nothing happened.... Looking at the part honesty and sharing played in my life opened me to certain realizations.  When I 'm uncommunicative or dishonest in my interactions, I set myself apart and feel rejected.  Conversely, open truthful communication nurtures feelings of trust and encourages me to participate fully in life.       Hope for Today, p 323

I can respect another person's right to make his or her own choices, even when I strongly disagree [even with their behavior].  My relationships improve if I can love myself enough  to let other people be themselves. 

 "Lord, when we are wrong, make us willing to change. And when we are right, make us easy to live with." Peter Marshall, Courage to Change, p 303

       I haven't come to the point of acceptance if another person still gets under my skin.  For more about acceptance, please click here.