Relating Is Preferred to Being Controlling....... 4/8/14

In this post I share how I
went through a new passageway. 

         Recently I was chal-lenged.

        My serenity was.  I watch-ed the trajectory of my emotions as I wrestled over an issue with someone deeply valued.

         I was uncomfortable.  I felt confused, sad.  I told her what troubled me about us.  It is fine having those feelings when relating.

         It is critical, being open when connecting with others.  It is best being vulnerable with good friends.  It is also essential, being present to what is.  Be it painful or pleasant.

        This is the stuff of authenticity.  It is the source of in-timacy.  This is relating.  It is having presence.

        When we are this way friend-ships are satisfy-ing.  We are not contriving.  Life is richer.  We are our true selves.  Truly connecting with another.

        Our love bank is getting filled.  We are happier.  We are bonding at the heart level.

        Relating is the best way to connect.  It leaves an impact on others.  At times it involves wading through discomfort.  Once a conflict is resolved, our bond with that person grows.  We draw closer

        A problem arose with my good friend.  I didn't try making things go my way.  I refrained from controlling the situation.  I didn't act confident.

        That is being false.  It is not relating.  Being controlling pre-vents authenticity.  When we are controlling we are motiva-ted by fear.  That is not me.

         I am fearless.  Although soft-spok-en, I am courageous.  I do not want to prevail over what-ever confronts me.  Heck no.

         I am fearless because I don't judge myself when there is a problem.  I don't worry about the consequences when rela-ting, especially during difficult times.  Whatever  direction a relationship goes is never a statement about me.

        That reality frees me from fear and anxiety.  It lets me have peace of mind.  It helps me relax when relating.  I am not defined by cir-cumstances or by how I am treated.

        Another reality: I am loved.  Deeply.  I am accepted.  Profoundly so.  By God and many I know.  I thrive.  I know emotional object constancy.  It is my source for internal strength and enduring hope.

        Life can be rough.  It doesn't mean I am being punished.  God is not angry at me.  My worth is set.  I am profoundly loved.

       I know a com-passionate God.  (He also loves you.  As much as He does me.) The founda-tion of who I am is unshakable.  It consists of a great relationship with God.  And it in-cludes my Safe People/Balcony Friends (see the second half of this link).

       Am I lucky.  This is the source for my thankfulness. The source of who I am is also bolstered by strong principles. What are they? See this link.

       Feeling foolish is fine.

       Sometimes that is how we feel.  We are authentic when we ad-mit our awkwardness.  Denying it is being controlling.  The same is true if we try to force matters.  Or if we try to control outcomes.

     I am not God, thank God.  I leave the results of my efforts to Him.  I do my best.  I then rest by letting go.
 

     With authen-ticity we enjoy intimacy.  With-out it, true bond-ing can't happen.

       I allow my anx-ieties in an relation-ship to surface.  I communicate with others what is going on in me. What usu-ally happens?  I draw closer to that person. More than ever before.

      I let that individual know the real me.  Trust develops.  That friend draws closer to me.

      When relating, I am curious about the outcome.  I want to discover it.  This is experiencing what is.  It is better than manipula-ting outcomes in a pre-arranged way, trying to make things go my way.

       Relationships are a form of right-sizing.  When in one, I am reminded the scope of any relationship is bigger than me.  The friend-ship extends beyond my desires and feelings.  It is focusing on what is best for the two of us.  It is meetiing the need of the other person, too.  But not neglecting mine, either.

Being controlling is an automatic patterned way of thinking or behav-ing that keeps us from feeling what is going on inside of us.                                          Susan Campbell,  Getting Real

       Trying to control is an attempt at avoiding awkwardness.  We are fleeing relational discomfort.  We want to outgrow protecting ourselves from reality.  Reality is good.  It is all we have.

       Relating is paying attention to what we are feeling.  We don't run from what churns within.  It is being present.  It is surfing the waves of circumstances that pour our way.  When operating this way we are authentic. We are becoming more natural.

       My friend and I weathered the recent conflict.  Afterwards she wrote, "I want to thank you for being honest and understanding re-garding our talk.  I hate conflict and I would do anything to avoid it.  But, thanks to you, I could be open and vulnerable instead of shutting down. "

       We worked through areas of contention.  Our intimacy thrived.  We dealt with issues supportively.  We went beyond superficial re-lating.   Our relationship bonded more deeply.

       Why?  Troubling issues were addressed. The way they were approached enabled us to solve them.

        It has been said success is preparation meeting opportunity.  I'm glad for what I know.  More important is applying this information when the fitting occasion arises.  We learn not to increase our knowledge.  

       We study to change our lives.  When we do, life has a deeper texture when we apply the healthy principles we learn.  Our joy in-creases.  

        Our needs get met.  We are also more the person we want to be.  Fearlessly.

       We will experience love more deeply.  Smiling happens fre-quently.  Joy increases with each day. 

       This is the result of being present, being transparent with others.

      There are areas in our lives still needing healing, growth.  But, we can still relate.  We can still be authentic.  

       And our life will be fuller and more satisfying, our friendships will have greater depth.  And we will have a tremendous  Attitude of Gratitude.

        May your Wednesday, fill you with joy and gratitude,

                                Pablo