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| “God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say “thank you?”" William Arthur Ward |
I'm meeting with members of my business team, at 5:30 p.m., tomorrow, in San Rafael. I have a mixture of excitement and dread. I'm leaving it in God's hands.
Boundaries Helps Our Sanity
I'm encountering friends who are under extreme stress. The economy, job uncertainty, unexpected bills, crises, downturns in relationships, all contribute to their woes. Some observations:
I. It Is Good Being Wary
A. This is where we got the word "beware." Being careful when around distressed people is wise.Recently, while with a friend, I excused myself from a table at a restaurant, asked for the check and left. Before doing so, I calmly let the person know that his behavior was emotional abuse and I wouldn't stand for it. He apologized a week later, without prompting."A prudent man sees a danger and withdraws, but the simple continue on and suffer for it." Jewish proverb.
We get what we tolerate. We train people how to treat us. If we feel like a doormat we need to get off the floor.
II. Sometimes the Helper Gets in My Way
A. When I want support, I'm not asking for advice.
When I told someone that, he took offense, sending me a difficult e-mail. I'm not teachable, I was told. That's the mildest thing he said. He should be glad I'm his friend----he'd be embarrassed if his letter got out.
A few weeks later he apologized. Still, I'm hesitant about connecting with this guy. Because I don't think like him and have his codependent insecurities, my thinking, according to him, is wrong. I'm thankful I'm not externally referented: I don't let others determine my moods or define who I am. I'm also not addicted to unhealthy relationships.
It's interesting seeing how people get invested in fixing others. I didn't ask for anything to be mended, when I called this person, asking for support. I told him I take care of myself. Support from my Balcony People, I ask for, when I want it. I've known this guy for more than seven years.
III. The Value of T.H.I.N.K.
"Stay tuned, more to be revealed," I'm reminded. This "friend"'s response reminds me of the value of using T.H.I.N.K. For more details on this concept, please click here. It also helps to respond, and not react, when I find myself emotionally intoxicated, as my friend was.
"Stay tuned, more to be revealed," I'm reminded. This "friend"'s response reminds me of the value of using T.H.I.N.K. For more details on this concept, please click here. It also helps to respond, and not react, when I find myself emotionally intoxicated, as my friend was.
IV. Thank God for Boundaries!
I'm glad that exercising boundaries protect us, when relating with others going through difficult times. I was told by a friend who I witnessed having an emotional meltdown, a week earlier, " I figured you knew what I was going through at that moment. I didn't think I had to tell you, it wasn't you. I know I shouldn't use you as an emotional punching bag. Sorry."
I'm glad that exercising boundaries protect us, when relating with others going through difficult times. I was told by a friend who I witnessed having an emotional meltdown, a week earlier, " I figured you knew what I was going through at that moment. I didn't think I had to tell you, it wasn't you. I know I shouldn't use you as an emotional punching bag. Sorry."
Practicing boundaries in my relationship with her---excusing myself, when she became enraged, protected me. When she spun out of control, I left within five minutes. No longer accepting unacceptable behavior or conversations serves me in good stead. I don't do rope a dope with others. I'm no one's punching bag, letting others to take swings at me, emotionally.
I let her know I took issue with her comment It's not my job, being a mind reader; nor is it acceptable for me being used to vent the full force of her feelings. It was her responsibility to communicate, when something is disturbing her. She agreed. But still, receiving the brunt of her emotions was not fair to me.
V. We Are Responsible for Our Feelings, Others Aren't
One of the biggest things I've learned is that others are not responsible for my feelings. If a drunk driver hits me, it wouldn't be my fault. But it would be my responsibility to deal with the outcome. I would need to get to a hospital; it would be my responsibility to go to the physical therapist, if injured.
I would need to grieve. It would be my responsibility to process the anger and work through the forgiveness necessary for me to move beyond the effects of the accident, even though it wasn't my choice to be hit by an intoxicated driver! (See, Cloud and Townsend, Safe People, 37)
Unsafe people do not do [the] hard work. They stay angry, stuck, and bitter, sometimes for life. When they feel upset, they see others as the cause, and others as the ones who have to do all the changing. When they are abused they hold onto it with a vengeance and spew hatred for the rest of their lives. When they are hurt, they wear it like a badge. And worst of all, when they are wrong, they blame it on others.
Good stuff. Operating from this point of view helps me a lot. Maintaining my sanity is more likely. The cited passage helps in discerning who I want as friends. Scorpions do what scorpions do, just like pigeons. Serenity occurs when we are willing to see reality for what it is, whether it be our behavior, or that of another. Lastly, ...........Denial is the active process that someone uses to avoid responsibility. It is different from being unaware of [the problem]. When we are unaware, we do not know about our problem. Denial is more active than that . It is a style and an agenda, and it can be very aggressive when truth comes close. People with a style of denial and blaming are definitely on the list of unsafe people to avoid.1. See footnote.
VI. Life Is Our Spiritual Practice
It's one thing believing in principles; it's another exercising them in the midst of a crisis, practicing them on all occasions, in all our affairs.
It's one thing believing in principles; it's another exercising them in the midst of a crisis, practicing them on all occasions, in all our affairs.
My Gratitudes for Tonight:
2. I love poetry books. I purchased two recently. Books are cherished friends of mine. I love reading from this poet/writer.
3. One of the friends referred to above, profusely apologized this evening. I'm thankful she took responsibility for her behavior.
4. A 45 minute walk, I had, today. The weather was lovely and I'm glad I invested in my health.
5. I resisted temptation. I had an offer to listen to jazz played by my favorite jazz pianist, just a mile from my home. I didn't go. I prepared for tomorrow's business meeting instead. I'm thankful for being diligent and focused.
6. I was with someone who has been harmful lately. I'm glad I didn't let her determine my mood or define who I am.
I had practical issues I needed to do, did them and went on my way. While with her, I was pleasant, breathed plenty (exhaling the tension) and surrounded myself with friends.
I did this by calling my supportive network, book-ending the tasks I did with calls to them. (Called them, mentioned my situation, did my task and called them after I was done. It helps knowing I'm not alone. We weren't meant to deal with life's challenges, alone.)
Related Post: Maintaining Our Values In Spite of Pressures from Others
1. Cloud and Townsend, Safe People, Zondervan, 1995 37
Image: "Cumbria: Stockley Bridge" by Tim Blessed © all rights reserved, used by permission
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3 comments:
Glad to visit here and to read how you are able to state your needs and not allowing others to change your intent, merely because you are "unteachable". Many people would rather act nice than to speak up about how they truly think or feel.
Welcome, Anonymous,
That's a pithy comment. I needed to read it a few times to capture it. Thank you, for dropping by.
It's invigorating expressing our voice, without being unpleasant as we do so. It's empowering when we can politely stand our ground, even when others attempt to intimidate us, when we try.
We will enjoy greater peace among mankind when we learn that others are free to do what they want, even if we disagree with them, when we give up the tendency to control the behavior or thoughts of others, as long as they are not doing anything that causes harm.
We reach a greater sense of reality and serenity when we recognize that we are powerless over all the nouns and pronouns in our life: people, places and things.
I recently experienced a situation in which a well meaning friend affixed a label to my behavior and although it didn't fit she presumptiously insisted on it being the truth. She went into a rage about how right she was and proceded to tell me what I should do. What you defend yourself against you make real. I am learning to detatch with love and to be gentle with others who are struggling with their own issues. I am also learning to take care of myself and choose safe friends to share my areas I am working on in my life. I immediatelately got off the phone with her. I don't have to believe what others say just because they are convinced they are right. No one has the right to judge another person and in doing so it merely speaks about their own personal character. It would be wise to take the plank out of their own eye and keep the focus on themself before attempting to do surgery on others.
Its best to have a team of advisors and supportive network to deal with challenging issues.
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