Thursday, February 13

Going With Life's Flow 2/13/14

      Nearly two years ago, I was getting to know someone.  Intelligent was she, and gifted.  The time spent was good, most of the time.  Relating with her reminded me of a story in Courage to Change.

     The story spoke of
a person forcing a zipper to zip.  Trying harder, the two sides were not lining up. Taking time, she noticed she was trying to force the zipper to the outside of the coat to zip with the inside zipper for the removable inner lining.

     Such is life.  I'm happy for the equanimity enjoyed when going with life's flow, not making things happen that shouldn't.

     With this woman, there was more drama than I needed.  She suffered from strong bouts of anxiety, depression and humongous amounts of co-dependency.  We corresponded much.  Indeed.  If you only knew, like 7,000 word letters.  She was curious, seeking help.

     Then it happened.  I asked for support in a matter. "No can do," said she.  Was I happy getting her reply.   Really.  Most of you know me by now.  Reciprocity is critical in my relationships.  And, I ain't dumb.  I get what I tolerate.  I didn't let the vulnerable part of me get drawn into the flames of codependency.   Having an unbalanced relationship, as in, all one way---the other person's way---had no appeal.

      I allowed her to wrestle with her issues and own her feelings.  They were her responsibility, not mine to fix.

      I'm glad that I am alert when idiot lights flash on my relationship dashboard.  I do not allow attachment with anyone to precede my values.  In this case, I wrote, letting her know I was grateful for her non-response.   It was a response.  She chose to not respond.  I asked her to do me a favor and not contact me any further.  Emotional vampires and I do not get along.  Actually they want to glomb on to me.  No thanks, I'll pass on those offers.

       I am not interested in zipping things, where they are not meant to zip.  I know God has better relationships for me.   I have them.  My friendships are organic, flowing with ease.  They are a cherished part of who I am.  They contribute to my having an attitude of gratitude.  Our greatest human need is bonding with healthy people

       I let her know I had no interest in on-again, off-again, one-way street friendships.  I deserve better.  I get what I tolerate.  Fantasizing about an unhealthy relationship, convincing myself that it is better than it is, is not my style.  Thank God.  I prefer seeing reality. What a sanity saver it is, moving beyond defensive hope.

       Well, I've written all that to say this.  I'm happier than a cat that licked up a bowl of tuna juice.  I'm thrilled with the closeness enjoyed with dear friends.  I'm relieved, I no longer wear the cape of codependency.  Externally referenting, rescuing others from their miseries, is a thing of the past.

       It feels good basking in a life filled with excellent relationships.  I delight in the strength derived when I keep the focus on me.  I meet my needs, letting others be themselves.  There is only one God and I am not it.

       By the way, usually,  what you read is a draft.  If you check most of my posts, the next day, that have been cooked again.  My best writing is like second day lasagna.  Better after the second go round.  I eschew the curse of perfectionism.  I choose to be happy, instead.  My maturity, due to recovery, is knowing my best for any day is good enough.

       Love to each of you.  I know this upcoming Valentine's Day will be the best ever.   Living with gratitude, it will be yours, too.


Carl H said...

Dear Pablo,

On this Thursday evening, I am grateful for;

1. A long but fruitful days journey through the myriad, bi-polar personalities and pristine Michelin star kitchen's of the wine country.

2. A warm slice of late-lunch pizza at my Napa Valley road-trip watering hole; Whole Foods, followed by an iced latte at Peets (next door); helping to fuel the 75 mile trip home.

3. Help staying awake behind the wheel from my California buddies, Michael McDonald and the Doobie Brothers (40 million albums worldwide), blasting out my windows and setting off car alarms up and down Highways 580, 13, 680, 80 and 29; the St. Helena Highway!

4. Strength, hope and encouragement borne of an afternoon chat with my mentor.

5. Napping through American Idol and being OK with that...

6. Hearing that my sister received Courage to Change and that she loved page 139. An excerpt here;

"The Chinese word for crisis is written with two characters. The first stands for danger and the second for opportunity. I will look for the good in everything I encounter."

And finally, this from Richard Bach ("Jonathan Livingston Seagull") "There is no such thing as a problem, without a gift for you in its hands."

7. Merry Friday to All, and to All a Good Night!

Pablo said...

Dear Carl,
Thank you for dropping by. What benefits do you find, when you take these long trips to Napa?
You probably are encouraged that your sister is responsive to the book you sent her.

What do you think your Higher Power is teaching you,through the nature of your work?

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.