Monday, November 24

Calmly Surprising a Controlling Person 11/24/14

        The other day, while with friends, I was in a good mood.  Peaceful even.  Towards the end of our time someone said, "What's wrong with you Pablo, you were quiet tonight."

        This assumption she said, even though I shared my opinions that night.
This was her first try at
controlling me.

        "I'm fine," I said.

        "No, really, you aren't your jovial self," she insisted.  Her second interpretation.
       Interpretation is a form of judgment. The problem, when we do, is that we are not present. We are so caught up with our interpretations and projections that we are distracted from seeing reality for what it actually is.  Judging is not our responsibility.  God did not die, putting us in His place.                    

        Also, we take on a superior position when we judge.  As adults, we are equal with every other human being, since we were eighteen.  Our responsibility is cleaning our side of the street.  That's it.  We do not have the authority to tell others what they are to do, how to emote.

        Back to my story..............

       "Without recovery, perception is projection, I don't have to joke around, to demonstrate my happiness," I replied.

       "Well, that's me, I always joke around, when with others." she said.

       "I don't."

       "Still, that is not the number I am dialing in, about you," she continued, saying this while others sat near me.

        Her issues were several.  She stated her opinion of me more than once.  When we do that we are trying to control.  Secondly, she was surprised by my replies.  Ninety-six percent of the world is codependent, easily surrendering their values or opinions because they fear the rejection or anger of another, wanting their approval.

        I am not codependent, part of the four percent that isn't.  Judging me, in front of others, she tried using her strong personality to coerce me into codependency.  People who are codependent  allow others to define them and determine their moods.  That is not my reality, and as a result, I enjoy serenity, personal strength, joy and equanimity.

       She was frustra-ted.  If we grew up with drama, it is easy seeing calmness as boring or that there is something wrong with a quiet person.   Being boring is good because it is actually being normal.  We want to eschew the need to constantly have excitement.  If we want that, ride a roller coaster.  We can leave the excitement, there, when heading home. The person judging me was unaccustomed to a person not addicted to drama.

My Gratitudes:
1.   I am thankful for being consistent with my values.  I am not a slave to other people's opinion of me.
"When the applause of others is necessary for us to feel good about ourselves, we have given them power over us."  Courage to Change, 9
2.  It feels good, maintaining my integrity.  I do not let social pressure change how I see myself.  I don't allow others to create doubt within myself or question my feelings.

3.  I am thankful for the presence of mind I have when being challenged by the woman in today's story. I enjoy calmness because I do not surrender my personal values or power, because of a sick desire to please unpleasant people.

How About You?
Who are the people that trigger you?  I'd love hearing your answers!


Superman said...

Dear Innkeeper,
I love it when you said, "I don't." That is a sign of your wonderful recovery. In my state, I would have reacted, lashing out with sarcastic advice or questioned her statements which are all forms of control. I would have been mimicking my own parents unconscious ways of manipulating their children as a way to amend their powerlessness with their own parents, co-dependency 101.
By you stating "I don't know," calmly, you are showing humility, honesty, and self-value. You are acknowledging the truth within yourself, regardless of how others are projecting on to you or their simple lack of presence, which prevents them from meeting you right where you are.
I have questioned others statements, especially when they use words such as "always" or "never." Is that true? Always? Never? But having a debate over precise language is futile. It's asking for trouble.
Both people begin to innocently and tragically power struggle. The irony is that instead of people valuing themselves and their own honest feelings, both people try to prove to one another how much their own projection is truer than the others projection. How perverse and insane!
Questioning our own beliefs is a form of self-love. It isn't easy. My mind stream is pretty strong. But when I am able to question my mind, I can see reality. I can see the other person.

Thank you!

Pablo said...

Dear Superman,

It's great having someone connect with me, like you. Usually, it is the other way around. Thank you, for your support.

I have found the words "always" and "never" as the two adverbs of self-righteousness. They are also forms of judgment, too. When they crop up in a person's conversation with me, I let them know I am uncomfortable with the conversation.

I have learned to simply speak my truth and leave it at that. I don't have to justify myself or convince another person that they are wrong. I just clean up my side of the street.

What also helps is that empathy is not agreement. If I can connect with the other person's feelings and needs, the conversation usually goes well.

I appreciate your contributions here!

A grateful innkeeper.

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.