The other day, while with friends, I was in a good mood. Peaceful even. Towards the end of our time someone said, "What's wrong with you Pablo, you were quiet tonight."This assumption she said, even though I shared my opinions
that night.
"I'm fine," I said.
"No, really, you aren't your jovial self," she insisted. Her second inter-pretation.
Judging is not our responsibility. God did not die, putting us in His place. Also, we take on a superior position when we judge.
As adults, we are equal with every other human being, since we were eighteen. Our responsibility is cleaning our side of the street. That's it.
We do not have the authority to tell others what they are to do, how to emote. Back to my story..............
"Without recovery, perception is projection, I don't have to joke around, to demonstrate my happiness," I replied.
"Well, that's me, I always joke around, when with others." she said.
"I don't." I said.
"Still, that is not the number I am dialing in, about you," she con-tinued, saying this while others sat near me, taking in the conversa-tion.
Secondly, she was surprised by my replies. Ninety-six percent of the world is codependent. Codependents easily surrender their values or opin-ions because they fear the rejection or anger of another. They do this because they want approval.
I am not codependent, part of the four percent that isn't.
Judging me, in front of others, she tried using her strong person-ality to coerce me into codependency. People who are codependent allow others to define them and determine their moods. That is not my reality.
As a result, I enjoy serenity, personal strength, joy and equanim-ity.
We want to eschew the need to constantly have excitement. If we want that, ride a roller coaster. We can leave the excitement, there, when heading home.
The person judging me was unaccustomed to a person not addicted to drama.
My Gratitudes:
1. I am thankful for being consistent with my values. I am not a slave to other people's opinion of me.
2. It feels good, maintaining my integrity. I do not let social pressure change how I see myself. I don't allow others to create doubt within myself or question my feelings."When the applause of others is the reason for our behavior and necessary for us to feel satisfied, then we have given them power over us." Courage to Change, 9
3. I am thankful for the presence of mind I have when being chal-lenged by the woman in today's story. I enjoy calmness because I do not surrender my personal values or power, because of a sick desire to please unpleasant people.
How About You?
Who are the people that trigger you? I'd love hearing your answers!
Posts
2 comments:
Dear Innkeeper,
I love it when you said, "I don't." That is a sign of your wonderful recovery. In my state, I would have reacted, lashing out with sarcastic advice or questioned her statements which are all forms of control. I would have been mimicking my own parents unconscious ways of manipulating their children as a way to amend their powerlessness with their own parents, co-dependency 101.
By you stating "I don't know," calmly, you are showing humility, honesty, and self-value. You are acknowledging the truth within yourself, regardless of how others are projecting on to you or their simple lack of presence, which prevents them from meeting you right where you are.
I have questioned others statements, especially when they use words such as "always" or "never." Is that true? Always? Never? But having a debate over precise language is futile. It's asking for trouble.
Both people begin to innocently and tragically power struggle. The irony is that instead of people valuing themselves and their own honest feelings, both people try to prove to one another how much their own projection is truer than the others projection. How perverse and insane!
Questioning our own beliefs is a form of self-love. It isn't easy. My mind stream is pretty strong. But when I am able to question my mind, I can see reality. I can see the other person.
Thank you!
Superman
Dear Superman,
It's great having someone connect with me, like you. Usually, it is the other way around. Thank you, for your support.
I have found the words "always" and "never" as the two adverbs of self-righteousness. They are also forms of judgment, too. When they crop up in a person's conversation with me, I let them know I am uncomfortable with the conversation.
I have learned to simply speak my truth and leave it at that. I don't have to justify myself or convince another person that they are wrong. I just clean up my side of the street.
What also helps is that empathy is not agreement. If I can connect with the other person's feelings and needs, the conversation usually goes well.
I appreciate your contributions here!
A grateful innkeeper.
Pablo
Post a Comment