Discernment and Boundaries Spare Us From Grief 12/31/15

Craziness, joy and growth.

       
         Best words describing 2015.

"The prudent man sees a danger and withdraws.  The simple continue and suffer for it."                                  Proverbs 27:12.  

          This observation is an antidote. 

           It helped me handle over-the-top circumstances faced this year.  I was insane during portions of this year.  During the year, I let go of the reins of caution.

           I was seduced by circumstances too good to be true.  The golden proverb above helped me retain a grip on common sense.  More than once, it guided me when I was drunk this past year. 

           I was imbibing too much joy.  The passage above helped me regain emotional sobriety.  I was able to focus once again upon reality.  This proverb guided the growth spurt I had this year.

        Thank you, for joining me as the end of this year draws near.  

          Within min-utes, my town will celebrate with a half-hour cacophony of fireworks popping within the community.  A new year filled with mys-tery and promise will be ushered in a moment normally known for silence and slumber.  The hopes of many soar during this witching time when the year changes its name.  Many anticipate 2016 will be better than the one just ending.

        Goals are pledg-ed for the new year. Many are not true goals.  Not if the aspirations do not have a time frame-work.  Not if they lack a plan with concrete steps attached.  For most, their aspira-tions are wishes, dreams.  

       They lack specificity. Having such plans is flying in a cloud bank without an instrument panel. We won't arrive at our destination.  If the dreams we have do not work in the new year, change them.  Make them measurable.

      Make the goals realistic.  But never change the goal. If necessity is the mother of invention, persistence is its father. Accomplishing what we want requires ongoing effort.

        Observations of this year from the innkeeper:

1. People com-plain. But, doing the work to make their life better, many don't do.  If we are not scared, it isn't courage we need.  Growth requires effort, discipline and pain. Or progress does not happen. I won't rescue some-one who does not want to rescue himself.

2. We scar others and ourselves when we avoid harmful people.  Having a blind eye towards angry people only fans the fire of harm they create.  It allows them to continue on, consuming others with their manipulative, predatory ways. When we ignore their behavior, we allow the bull of their selfishness to continue raging.  They have nothing stopping them from inflicting pain on those who cross their path.

     Emotional vampires suck the life out of others.

      They are those who brighten a room by leaving it.  They are curmudgeons, sarcastic, critical, and manipulative people.  These emotional Draculas are only stopped by the wooden stake of confrontation.  Our passivity emboldens them.  It lets them bite into others with their selfish agenda.

3. We scar irresponsible people by ignoring their behavior or compensating for it.  Making excuses for slackers is looking the other way.  We let them escape the personal load of duties. We are not making them responsible for their lives.

     We do not help bullies by being nice.

     We cross bounda-ries when we enable others through our passivity.  People need to ex-perience the natural outcome of their negative behavior. They need to reap what they sow. Otherwise, there is no motivation for changing their character.

    It's a poor idea, co-signing another person's life, bailing them out. We pay the price for their misdeeds. We pay for their false beliefs. We enable unacceptable behavior. How?  By covering for their poor choices and lack of character.

4. Often we are not being nice, when we think we are.  It isn't loving, overlooking abusive or lazy behavior.  It is not being kind ex-cusing irresponsible people.  No, it isn't being altruistic.  It's putting lipstick on the pig of unreliable and thoughtless behavior.

"Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful."                                                              Proverbs 27: 6

     It is still unattractive.  Even though we glam it up with our rescuing efforts.  We are naive.  It is lacking courage, not confronting.  We fear speaking the truth, saying what we want.  We fear upsetting manipulators and narcissists.

     This is being boundaryless.  It is passive and gullible behavior.

     It is important, standing in our power.  When we do, we are applying the recovery earned through work on our char-acter.  It is critical being true to our values.  This is integrity.  We do not want to relent to the manipulation of others.  If we do, we sell ourselves short.

     When we act this way, we are guaranteed depression.  Our resent-ments will grow.  See this post for more info about speaking our truth.  It talks about winning the Grand Prix of life---daily.

    "Do not relate with an angry man       or you will learn his ways."                                       Proverbs 22:24

      Not only that, we are letting that person influence/damage impres-sionable others.  Like your children, or others who hang around him.

5.  It is good, re-lating with strongly motivated, disci-plined people.  We are the average of the five people we relate with.  If others don't want to make the effort to improve their lives, our rescue efforts will not help.

     Personal growth comes from inter-nal motivation, not prodding.  We save ourselves grief when we admit this fact.  I relate with someone who is blind.  Not physically.  He's blind to common sense.

       I leave this person in God's hands.  There's only one God. I am not Him.  This is Step One in recovery.  We realize we are powerless over others.

6. Being passive is not being passive.  It is dishonesty.  It is lying.  Often, it isn't doing what we said we would do, or being true to our values.  It lacks honor.

     We are not living with authenticity when we are passive.We are not respecting ourselves.  It lets down those who  trust us.

7. Growth is not internalizing a problem.  It is not a matter of more research.  It is not solving issues apart from others.  Growth happens as a result of living in a compassionate, loving com-munity.  By ourselves, we do not have all the resources to handle what life dishes out.  In community, we do.  What I lack, others have.

8.  Growth happens when we move from our Victim Story.   This story consists of the excuses we give for failure.  It is seeing life from the scars of our past.  Our Victim Story is a flashlight with a de-fective lens.  It is viewing life negatively.

      It is not acknowledging the good qualities we have.  It is not view-ing our successes, when we struggle.  It is seeing life from all our past failures and pain.

      We want to see from the searchlight of who we truly are, now.  All the positive qualities we have.  They far outweigh the nega-tive we see in ourselves.  Especially when we are troubled.  We are not living in recovery when we allow the past to damage our self-image.

      Wishing you a fantastic New Year!

My Favorite Christmas Story 12/25/15

Taken from my favorite Christmas book,
The Christ Child, Illustrated by Miska and
 Maud Petersham 

     Merry Christmas.  That each guest of this inn has a lovely day, is my wish.  I know I will.

     What is Christmas?  Nope, it isn't about gifts.  It's about

My Second Favorite Christmas Story 12/23/15

      If you missed the previous season-related tale, my third favorite, you can find it here.  
      I wrote the following in 2011.   You may not be familiar with it. 
      Wishing you a peaceful and happy Christmas,                         The Innkeeper

                         ***********************************
     Gather round the fireplace warming this inn.  You may be frazzled by the call of Madison Avenue.  QVC and the Home Shopping Network assault you with gifts options for loved ones.  Commercials from

My Third Favorite Christmas Story 12/22/15

WWII photo of the Ardennes Forest

       Good evening, one and all. I hope life is treating you well. For many, this is a frantic, mater-ialistic season.       
             
         Needn't be so.  In the inn, we're having a countdown for the biggest day of this month.  For this, and the next few days, I am sharing stories I've written related to Christmas.  My  hope is

Calmness in the Eye of the Storm, Revised ........... 12/18/15

      It's im-portant sheltering ourselves. Like the fellow in this picture.  Especially when over-whelmed by the waves of an abusive

There's a New Innkeeper........ 12/7/15

          Completed a marathon.

         And beginning another. When I got home at 10:00 p.m., after spending two days in Sacramento, I collapsed.  On the couch.  Unable to get up for

Holding Everything With an Open Hand, Feeling Grace 12/1/15

Image: "England: Cumbria: Dalt Wood"  by Tim Blessed.
Copyrighted photo. Used by permission. 

     There was balance to the day.  Even though I traveled more than two hundred miles this evening.  I rose at 6:00 a.m.  Throughout the day, I made time to breathe, mentally, as well as physically. Slowing down nurtured my inner self.  It helped me keep company with my thoughts.  I held them- - - examined them--- gently, during downtime that was inserted between today's appointments.

      It feels good taking care of myself.  More relaxed, I am.

Gratitudes for Tuesday: 
1.  It's nurturing and satisfying, celebrating life. That happened today.  It takes place when I let go of control of people and outcomes.  It's an accomplishment---and can be a struggle---holding everything with an open hand.

     I am.

     Relationships, the future and my career are treated with this perspective.  That is possible when I am not anxious or fearful. When I am mindful that I am a loved and innocent man, it's easy to let go of my controlling death grip on my circumstances and relationships with others.

    That's only possible when I am live within a nurturing community.  I do.  Freedom from anxiety is  knowing recovery from codependency. It involves overcoming scars from my past.  I have.
2.  Grace was revealed at a business meeting I attended in Sacramento tonight.  It is a marvel, feeling its presence.  Always uplifting. 

3.  I enjoyed the catharsis felt when penning my previous post.  I like the craft involved when writing.  It's about adding, through subtracting.  Verbal sculpting, it is.
4.  Feeling God flow through me today was humbling.  Relaxing, too.  I don't take such occasions for granted.  While working with one client, stuff came out of my mouth that I didn't know I had within me.

    It was a special positive time.  I had to make a note of what I said.  I didn't want to lose the moment.

    I am tired. I'll add to this post tomorrow. After getting rest.

How About You? 
What are your three gratitudes for today?  I'd love hearing from you.

Facing Fear 11/28/15

       There is no suc-cess without pain.  Sometimes progress means little sleep. At times, there is no time to eat.  It re-quires denying ourselves, pushing beyond our limits.

       We can't become the person we want to be by remaining the way we are. "Success depends not merely in how well we do the things we enjoy, but in how conscientiously we perform the duties that we don't."  John Maxwell, Developing the Leader Within You.

       Tonight required every ounce of me.  The evening was good. Fear was faced.  Big time.  My heart pumped wildly.

       It felt as if I was at the end of a seven mile run.  I could barely breathe.  Tak-ing the next step without analyzing, is what I did.  I was present.

       More than twenty calls, I made.  This is part of my Sacramento training.  Donations for a good cause I sought.  Eighteen calls were with people I did not know.  The responses were beyond my imagin-ation.

     Every. Person. Said. Yes.  I was stunned. Earlier, I had visions of quitting, giving up.  I thought of bailing out in the last mile of this four month training marathon.  I felt like throwing away all the hard work I've done, wasting the thousands of miles I traveled to Sacra-mento.

      No way could I accom-plish this assignment. That was my mental chatter. I was certain.  I was also cer-tainly wrong.

       Being exhausted, coupled with a migraine headache didn't help.  Fear crippled me.  Feelings of failure overwhelmed me.  I was sunk beneath a pile of negative feelings.  That's when the value of living within a caring community kicked in.

       It helped me spit out the dust of despair. I was gulping it down when sprawled on the ground of despair.
 

       Stuart.

       My upward progress started with a phone call.  I spoke with a friend of more than three decades.  He pulled me out of a pit.  He joked with me, raising me out of my darkened mind.

       He didn't shame me.  He overlooked my cow-ardice, my doubts in trusting the process.

       "Just make the calls," Stuart said.  "That's all you have to do.  That's the hard work.  It does not matter the response you get.  Pablo, you haven't asked me.

       You haven't told me what you want."

       His encourage-ment was sunshine after a storm.  He helped grow my confidence.  Gradu-ally, I overcame the terror I felt.  The smile in his voice lifted my attitude.

       I took a deep breath. My heart pounded as I asked, "Stuart, I am involved with fund raising. Would it be possible for you to help?"
 

         The words barely left my lips, when he replied.  "Yes, Pablo.  I will provide two items the silent auction. I will donate money too, towards the food for the dinner."

         What planet did he come from??  The planet of compas-sion. Demons of apprehension that had tormented me fled. Because of Stuart. Support received from a dear friend.  The encouragement of a loved-filled community enabled me to climb the cliff of fear that overwhelmed me.

         The curtains to my house were shut today.  No light was let in.  I was in a dark space.  Not only physically, but emotionally.  Gripped with anxiety, I was paralyzed mentally.

         I was surrounded in a dark cloud bank of fear.  With Stuart's help, not only did the storm clouds part.  I was given the beginnings of hope.

         It would not have happened if I had isolated.  If I had not called him.  When our conversation finished, he gave me telephone numbers to use for the night's task.  My encouragement was strengthened as the night progressed.  I was unexpectedly embraced by a caring community.

         I was moved by these strangers I called.  Stuart went through the training I am going through. The numbers he gave were of past members who have had the same experience.  They cheered me on when I asked for a donation.  Gladly they gave more than I expected.

         "You will reach your goal!" they told me.  Smiles beamed through the phone as they spoke.  Each was eager to help.  The success I had tonight was the result of wrenching my guts.  At first.  I pushed beyond my fear.

         I reached out for help.  Because of the support I received, I feel like birds flying high.  Like the sun in the sky.  Like the breeze drifting by or a blossom on a tree.  It is a new dawn, a new day, a new life.
   
         I'm  Feeling Good!  You might want to Listen to the song below.  It expresses how I feel now.

Gratitudes: 
1.  I was invited by an author to write a chapter for an anthology on gratitude.  I need to follow through with this opportunity. She wants to use what I've written here. I love opportunities to spread the healing, life-giving power of gratitude.
2.  For the results of calls made tonight.  It didn't happen by my power. Success tonight was the result of being bathed in a community of sup-port.  Stuart, a long-term friend encouraged me.

     The people I enlisted for help were kind, understanding.
3. Someone I didn't even think of, texted me. She asked what she could donate. Wow!  Before I even made a request, this kind, sensitive woman, who found out what I was doing tonight, approached me.  I was humbled and overjoyed simultaneously.  Thank you, Debbi.
4.  I am thankful tonight I overcame fear.  It slowly happened while dialing for donations.  With each additional "yes" my confidence and hope grew.
5.  I am a professional listener.  Tonight, three wonderful people lent me their ear.  It felt good, nurturing and satisfying my soul, pouring out what was bubbling within.  I was happy these three, Stuart, Teresa and Tony, cared enough to listen.  It was terrific, the roles reversed.  I took care of me by asking for their attention.

      I asked for what I wanted.  Just like the phone calls made tonight.

How About You? 
What are your gratitudes for today?

May you have a great and grateful Sunday!

The Biggest Day For This Inn 11/26/15

       Happy Thanksgiving everyone! This day is fantastic. Its focus is the same as this inn.  Enjoying this day with family and friends appeals to dearly held values: closeness, community with loved ones.  This day is an opportunity to snuggle in the blanket of warmth that being in the company of good friends provides.
   

     Today is a cele-bration of the banquet of good that life offers.  I visit with you after enjoy-ing this day of gratitude. This is not Turkey Day.  Calling it that misses the point.  Today is about heartfelt appreciation for His providence.

         Gratitudes are expressed routinely in this inn.  There's much to be grateful for.  Thank you, each one of you who drop by.

      I hope you enjoyed your day.  I did.  May God's blessings and a spirit of gratitude be yours during this holiday season, is my prayer.

My Gratitudes for Today.

1.  In the midst of the holiday stresses, I'm thankful for the peace God offers.  It can transcends our circumstances when we focus on what is good, lovely, noble, excellent and worthy of praise. 

2.  I'm thankful for family and friends---including many of you here, in this community.

3.  I'm grateful for family and loved one who cherish me. I appreciate sharing laughter and heart-felt conversations those dear to me. 

4.  I treasure the decades-long  friends I've have.

 

    Discovering new friends is  a joy. Old friends, who've known us through weal and woe are rare. They uplift us when we need it. The nurture they provide can't found anywhere else.

5.  I give thanks for the gifts God gave me.  Those are my abilities.  What I do with them is my gift to Him. (John Maxwell)

6.  I'm thankful for the values of home, hearth, and community. 

7.  I'm thankful for my faith. It is a gift.  I didn't seek out God. 

 

   He found me. 

   Many minimize God, spiritual values.  I'm grateful faith allows me to enjoy life fully. It empowers me to do far more than I could relying upon my strength alone.

   

    I'm thankful for my relationship with the Almighty. He reached out to me as a bewildered, young man.  This is the greatest thanks I have on this day which commemorates gratitudes. 

 

The Central Day of This Inn Is Approaching 11/25/15

        Good evening everyone.  Many suffer from worry. Multitudes en-dure the crippling power of depres-sion.  Frustration and self-loathing is the plight of many.  An Atti-tude of Gratitude counteracts these ills. Tomorrow is the central day of this inn.  May this Thanksgiving Day be your best ever.
   
     Cherishing loved ones, counting our blessings are

Being Stretched 11/25/15

       Busy day.

       Saw clients Tuesday morning.  Traveled to Sacramento afterwards.  I'm on overdrive, going beyond my comfort level.  Not my style.  My schedule is stretched. Woke this morning at 5:55 a.m.for an appointment after

Staying Present 11/17/15

Gratitudes for Today
1.  My right hand is almost normal.  Constant pain in my wrist. Still can't turn the knob on a door. It's the result of breaking my hand four months ago.
2.  For personal growth.  I don't

Having Fun, Fighting Dragons 11/15/15

         Saturday, I fought a dragon.

         On the streets of Old Sacramento.  With a sword.  I wore armor. Including a helmet.  A late night audience of those visiting this touristy part of town were

Me and Boundaryless People Don't Mix 11/11/15

        Went through a storm.  Of emotions.  The past two weeks and this evening.  Two different events.  Same result.


"The prudent man sees a danger and withdraws.  The simple continues on and suffers for it."        Proverbs 27:12.

         Am I learning prudence to a stronger, newer degree??  Yes.  Yet, this conflicts with believing in the best in others. When I trust another person I give the benefit of the doubt.  Prudence is a challenge when I

Getting Beyond What Triggers Us.................... 11/3/15

Image: "Cumbria: Hindscarth from High Spy"  By Tim
Blessed.  Copyrighted photo.  Used by permission. 

Authentic Relationships

     Have conflicts before committing to another person.

1.  Don't avoid conflicts.
  a.  Conflicts reveals our vulnerabilities, the buttons that

Freed From Victimhood: It Requires Effort 1027/15

    Thankful for boundaries.  Ac-cepting unacceptable behavior is not my thing. Relate with a professional victim.  I do not get caught up with this way he controls others.  That is, manipu-lating their

Tears of Healing 10/25/15

More about him in a moment. 

        I cried.

        Fear and anxi-ety crowded my mind. Twelve peo-ple lined up, facing me yesterday, Saturday, October 24th. One at a time, they shared the good they saw.

A Client Becomes a Liberated Woman 10/20/15

      It was twenty-two minutes past the time of our session.

      Calling her, I discovered she had no means of driving over.  Her husband gave her car to a Russian friend. He moved today

Not Moved By Drama................ 10/18/15

"Life is a great cycle of cause and effect. Everyone makes choices every day, and everyone's

choices affect others.  The combination of everyone's choices and the effect those choices

have on others makes the world what it is.

"Every problem can be traced to some unloving or selfish choice someone made. These
errors are the major cause of problems in the world today---selfishness and lack of love.
People either don't see how their wrong choices affect others or they don't care enough
to do things differently."  This lovely caption is from Tim Blessed, the photographer of
the image above and of many that have become the windows of this inn. 

Image: "England: Cumbria-Country Road Bridge"  Copyrighted photo. Used by permission

      Drama should not move us.

      Recently, a client of a few months came to emotional charged inaccurate conclusions.  He was triggered because I had sessions with his wife.  Get this---he referred his wife to me. He expected me to react to his fears. He believed I was taking her side.

      His excited imaginings reveals emotional baggage.  Mental chatter prevents him from being present.  He could not see reality: objectivity is central to what I do. Drama was avoided. Yielding to this client's pressure didn't happen.

      It is always preferred, placing principles above personalities.  Fearful, exaggerated behavior serves no one.  Submitting to it leads to chaos.  Giving in to strong emotions creates unpredictability. No longer are we living by principles.

     We are led by a seesawing perspective. We are surrendering to an agitated person.  Usually this is someone who disregards our needs and feelings.  We want to see their behavior for what it is: manipulation.

      Upset people do not want us to make decisions based on what is right.  They want us to make decisions based on their reactions to our values.  That is placing personalities---the agitated person's----first.  No can do.  Recovery is not giving in to the pressure of unpleasant or disturbed people.  To do otherwise is codependency.
Gratitudes for Today

1.  I was inspired by a talk I heard this morning. I like the clarity it provided about making  decisions. 

2.  I rested today.  It helps me thrive and balance my intense weeks.  I don't care to burn out. 

3.  Last night's conversation. 

How About You?

What are your gratitudes for today?

Truly Connecting: Living Without Walls................ 10/17/15

       How you be?  An epic night, it was, this evening. But good.  Physically and emotionally, I am drained.  Wednesday, I awoke at 5:00 a.m.

      Grabbed a laptop and banged away. A critical outline for tonight was pro-duced. Thoughts surfaced during that bewitching time between being semi-asleep and almost being awake.  My rational mind was not present. What my subconscious said, was captured.

     Tonight confirmed its wisdom.  Am I glad.

****

       Calmness envel-oped both of us while having dinner.  The stakes were high.  We visited Horatio's. It's a restaurant located at the San Leandro marina. It faces the San Francisco Bay.  The reassuring presence of a smart-phone pressed against my chest. It rested in the breast pocket of my sports coat. It had Wednesday morning's outline.

        It was an out-of-body experience. I watched my behav-ior while dining. Heard what I said.  I viewed a trans-formed man.  A happier, freer guy. Not necessary, the outline. It was in-scribed upon my heart. What was said flowed from joy, peace. Confidence flowed. There is comfort in this relationship. The emotional safety shared allowed me to share my concerns freely. Without hesitancy.

      Never have I enjoyed authenticity as much as I do now.  It is something I value strongly. But now, it is richer. It is easier to express. Why? Because the walls in my life are being removed. Others are knowing the innocent and loved parts of who I am.

     The outcome tonight was beyond my dreams.

How About You?
What are your three gratitudes for today?

The Innkeeper Is Crushed.......... 10/14/15

      Super tired.

      Spending time in Sacramento, lots of time there, working on myself. I am still suffering from men-tal lag, emotional lag and physical wear-iness. But, you have not heard from me in awhile. That's

Feedback, Its Value 10/6/15

     Operating on three hours of sleep. Ugh!

      Holding my eyes open using tooth-picks. They are effective but uncom-fortable. I will share gratitudes for

Keeping It Real, Enjoying Tremendous Benefits......... 10/5/15

      I am in San Fran-cisco, sitting in the waiting room of Kaiser hospital on Geary Blvd.

     Exhausted, the past two weeks I have been.  My emotions have been on full tilt, taxed by

Comfortable With Life and All of Its Circumstances, Not Hindered by Fear 10/4/15

       I'm dictating this post using my smart-phone. My laptop gave up its life.

     Life is fantastically good, getting better almost daily.  I spoke with someone tonight.  As I talked, I was

Celebrating a More Fragile and Happier Life................. 10/3/15

       I am lucking out, right now. My laptop is broken. Again.  Dead all day, it was. For forty-five minutes, just now, I fiddled with the power cord, trying to get it to work, to get this post in, while it lay on the kitchen table. No luck. The computer refused my efforts at

Transforming Like a Butterfly....... 9/27/15

I thought it has been overdue, showing you a
view from one of the inn's windows. Nice, huh?

        Who I was a week ago, I no longer am.

        Nor am I like I was two days ago. Certainly, not the Pablo that existed a month ago. All has transpired for the better.  More relaxed. I am. Already

Survey of Highs and Lows for the Week................. 9/26/15

    This is the time I review the week that just happened, surveying the highs and lows that came my way.

Highs:
1.  I have been true to myself.
2.  I had plenty of opportunities to react.  I didn't.
3.  I had no desire to control anyone, at any time, the past seven days.
4.  I was privileged to

Getting Real When Relating................ 9/22/15

        Have a small emotional bladder.

        For the past six months, this is what I have suggested to clients. We don't want to hang on to mistreatment from

Overcoming a Visit From a Ghost of the Past................ 9/17/15

         Nine days ago, it happened.

        The circum-stances took a long time in appearing.  The tension that came with it, the sick, empty feeling in my stomach, soured the evening.  At least,

Life is Getting Better, Relationally and Physically 9/9/15

        So much to say.  Not enough time or alertness at this hour to record my observations.  Over two hundred miles driven, left-handedly today.   Just returned from Sacramento.  Getting training there.

        For the Labor Day holiday on Monday, I went to Great America amusement park.  For those not in the know, it has many rides of the roller coaster nature.  It was hot down there, in Santa Clara and a trip

Sources of Joy, Part II................ 9/4/15

Not Stuart and me.  But you get the idea.

     Leaving gratitudes tonight.  I'll re-write this tomorrow.  Check out the previous post. I overhauled it, revamping what was there.

Gratitudes: 
1.  For my friend Stuart.  He's coaching me, helping me as I relate with others.  I appreciate his loving support.  And his humor, even though it aggravates me when I am in an intense mood.  He knows I need

The Innkeeper Was Prepared for the Moment, A New Pablo Was Born.... 9/2/15

       I got angry tonight.

       Amazing night.  Spoke my truth while visiting with someone at Star-bucks. 

      What emerged was a Pablo that had been incubating for the past year.  Diligent, strenuous eleven+ years effort at overcoming the curse of controlling gave birth to a better me when the moment arrived.

    Greater clarity about my values was expressed on Marina Boulevard in San Le-andro.  My boldness was wedded with compassion and pa-tience.  I rested in discomfort.

    I was not trig-gered.  When my buttons were pushed, I felt them and calmly ex-pressed what bothered me.  A new Pablo was born.

    And did it feel good!

      My confidence tonight was not the result of personal strength, despite personal weaknesses that were groomed into my character as a youth. I was taught to be compliant, dependent upon others for approval.

       I was emotion-ally coerced as a child to tolerate unacceptable behavior. I had no choice and no way I could rent a place of my own or provide for my welfare at nine.

      Tonight I overcame codependency. I did not succumb to feelings of insecurity that were instilled into me as a youth. Nor did I allow blame, shame, fear, guilt, or judgment from another to sway me from dearly

held needs of mine.

      Recovery kicked in.  When I was un-comfortable with parts of the conver-sation, I mentioned what disturbed me physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I was present.  

      I had no idea what the outcome of our conversation would be.  It didn't matter.  All I cared about was experiencing what was alive between us. 

      I stood for needs central to my relationships: authenticity, reciprocity, integrity, and cele-brating life.  Calmly.  As I said, what troubled me, my eyes were steady, and the issues violating my feelings and needs.

      I revealed I was stunned, feeling uncomfortable as if kicked to the curb.  I needed time last week to process what I was told a week and a half ago.  My voice was calm.  

      I was gracious when the face across the table was contorted by anger, and I had peace of mind when judged by the person sitting in front of me.  I embraced multiple perspectives.  Including those, I did not agree with.

     Empathy does not mean agreement, and I simply saw her needs and feelings beneath the negative emotions and strong judgments. 

   No unloving stares came from me when disagreeing.  I was steady, standing up-on the rock of nonvio-lent communication. I was present.
   
      Clearly, I revealed my disap-pointment.  I clearly acknowledged my wrongdoings, asking for forgiveness.  I now know new areas where I need to grow. "An admission of error is a sign of strength rather than weakness."

     What allowed me to operate from the strength of my character?   Drawing power from principles, not feelings.  Emotions are tenuous, fragile, and transitory.

      Often they are the result of how much or little sleep I've gotten or whether I had pizza the night before.

     A guiding prin-ciple that motivated me tonight was a de-sire to understand as well as to be under-stood. This required listening from strength, not fear, compliance, or code-pendency.  Another principle was resting with the discomfort I felt.

     Emotional maturity allows us to respond, not react.  Our reactive self did not overwhelm recovery wrought from eleven years of hard work on my personal growth, serenity, and sanity.

       The results were I was free from the tentacles of codependency.  I knew peace and calmness, even amid tonight's emotional storm.

 I weathered it, find-ing the ship of my life in the harbor of a relationship that is now deeper, more intimate, and fulfil-ling. 

      Often, we have to go through dis-comfort before we can enjoy a deep, authentic relation-ship that is present, conscious, and aware.

       I have a strong sense of my worth and what I bring to a relation-ship.  At Starbucks, I spoke to relate, not to control the person I was with.  Manipulating the outcome was not my focus.  

       Connection, transparency, and being vulnerable were.  

       My equanimity allowed me to rest, hearing what she said.  The Little Pablo did not surface, reacting from the cesspool of his insecurities.  Instead, the present Pablo spoke about his feelings and needs.

      I confessed my failures, not dancing the dance of denial.  I admitted areas in my life needing improvement. The response was beyond amazing.

      A relationship ruptured, ended, rose from the ashes of hurt feelings, restored, and is now better than ever. All within four and a half hours of genuine, non-attacking conversation.

     Conscious and aware people look for others with whom they can relate in a way free from artifice and any need to control the relation-ship. Finding such a relationship is a rare pearl of great price.

     Am I glad for maturity born of hard work on my insecurities.  They have been transformed by a deep desire to connect with others inti-mately and authentically.  This is being present. 

    Thank God for transparency, removing my ego, and allowing me to speak from my strength in tonight's conversation while valuing the other person at the same time.