|I thought it has been overdue, showing you a|
view from one of the inn's windows. Nice, huh?
Nor am I like I was two days ago. Certainly, not the Pablo that existed a month ago. All has transpired for the better. More relaxed. I am. Already
comfortable with life, I was. For more than twelve years. But, now, life is like a clothes detergent, "new and improved!"
The dark spots of tension in the fabric of my life are being bleached. How? Paying attention to what is alive within. Pausing, not reacting when feelings are hurt or anger roils within. I express my wants and don't wants. My feelings are revealed. I share what is alive within me.
For the longest time I didn't. Growing up as a child, none of these traits were permitted. Heavens no. Expressing criticism, disappoint-ment was forbidden. Nor could I be angry. That set the stage for a lot of depression and frustration.
Now, I express my emotions, not as a petulant child. I am calm. Stating what is true for me. Keeping the focus on me is my approach. Upset I was, this afternoon. I mentioned what bothered me. The other person was not asked to change.
Relating is more enjoyable than controlling others. Clarity in my relationships is growing, daily. Along with greater confidence. It helps when connecting with others. And I have plenty, since before my teens.
Working on improving my life, almost daily, is my goal. Worry about outcomes has been replaced. Now, I attune myself to the music of life. New mental and emotional dance steps I am learning. They are teaching me how to move and spin through life's difficulties. With in-creasing emotional resiliency, I am delighting in life with greater abandon.
Dread when facing daunting circumstances is almost nonex-istent. Relationships are cleaner. No longer is superficiality tolerated. The urine of resentment and anger no longer fills my emotional bladder. It no longer overflows. No longer does bitterness prevent me from seeing reality clearly.
Life is understood with greater accuracy. Recovery---working on my character---is reducing the size of my emotional bladder. I express myself more frequently. But calmly. Feeling better, happier is the result.
I'm living in the moment, in touch with feelings. It feels fabulous, being less in my head. When I am, I am not the experience, not present. When I feel, I am the experience.
Expressing the true me is essential for serenity and sanity. No longer do I placate those who offend. No longer do I hold resentments, letting their corrosive nature eat at my character. Authenticity is key if I want joy. When I am upset with a person, I no longer smile when I see them.
Something is wrong if I do. I am lying, not living with integrity. I am not loyal to my feelings, nor true to my wants. Transparency creates rich relationships. It is strong contact with another that satisfies my need for heart-felt connection with others.
Resentment and anger are a smaller presence in my life. The time they are harbored is often less than a half hour. I no longer ignore their presence. Frequently they are handled as they surface. How? Being present rather than being controlling.
Today, while driving to Big Basin State Park, tears welled in the corners of my eyes. It happened when I expressed hurt I felt this week. I let the person who caused the pain know. She was with me. She was not attacked.
Compassion for me---for the hurt I felt---moved me to speak. What I said came from love. My point of view I stated. It differed from hers. Defensive, she became.
Her actions she justified. I asked her to take the vital step that restores frayed relationships. To try seeing from my perspective. I did not ask her to agree. Simply to see my point of view.
She did. The bird of our relationship was extricated from the thorn bush of defensiveness. The rest of the day we soared within the azure expanse of understanding. Closer than ever, we drew. Connection.
This past week was hard, emotionally. The apple cart of my feelings had toppled. I was vulnerable, despondent. How did I respond? I bent down and picked up the apples of my disappointment. Recovery helped me take these smashed apples and make a pie.
Being comfortable with unexpected outcomes deepens emotional resiliency. To think we are too fragile to handle the unexpected is infantilizing ourselves. Faith means taking risks. Much was ventured by the innkeeper today. I spoke up for my feelings while with the person who had dented my joy this week. I was vulnerable, stating what hurt.
Much was gained because I bared my soul. Feelings were acknowledged, I met the needs beneath them. They were not ignored.
I am happier. We had a phenomenal day at the state park. I was last there, May 4th. Since then, life is richer. Joy and love has grown. Almost beyond measure. Comfort with who I am and honesty in my relationships has increased.
Connecting with others at a soul satisfying level is happening. The frequency is more than I thought possible. Authentic dialog bonds me with others. It's healing my soul. I have a lot more joy.
The intimacy I share with others is greater than ever. Increasing gratitude is mine, along with stronger confidence, when relating.
After sunset, I scampered along Redwood logs. We ventured beyond the fences telling us to stay out. We drew near a waterfall. Its scenic beauty was taken in ways never imagined. Unforgettable memories were created.
The afternoon and evening nourished me, beyond my wildest dreams. Joy percolates within. Oh, urban and contemporary living, where is thy sting? Instead, fulfillment, confidence and a radiant gratitude are mine to enjoy.