Wednesday, September 2

The Innkeeper Was Prepared for the Moment, A New Pablo Was Born.... 9/2/15

       I got angry tonight.

       Amazing night.  Spoke my truth while visiting with someone at Star-bucks. 

      What emerged was a Pablo that had been incubating for the past year.  Diligent, strenuous eleven+ years effort at overcoming the curse of controlling gave birth to a better me when the moment arrived.

    Greater clarity about my values was expressed on Marina Boulevard in San Le-andro.  My boldness was wedded with compassion and pa-tience.  I rested in discomfort.

    I was not trig-gered.  When my buttons were pushed, I felt them and calmly ex-pressed what bothered me.  A new Pablo was born.

    And did it feel good!

      My confidence tonight was not the result of personal strength, despite personal weaknesses that were groomed into my character as a youth. I was taught to be compliant, dependent upon others for approval.

       I was emotion-ally coerced as a child to tolerate unacceptable behavior. I had no choice and no way I could rent a place of my own or provide for my welfare at nine.

      Tonight I overcame codependency. I did not succumb to feelings of insecurity that were instilled into me as a youth. Nor did I allow blame, shame, fear, guilt, or judgment from another to sway me from dearly
held needs of mine.

      Recovery kicked in.  When I was un-comfortable with parts of the conver-sation, I mentioned what disturbed me physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I was present.  

      I had no idea what the outcome of our conversation would be.  It didn't matter.  All I cared about was experiencing what was alive between us. 

      I stood for needs central to my relationships: authenticity, reciprocity, integrity, and cele-brating life.  Calmly.  As I said, what troubled me, my eyes were steady, and the issues violating my feelings and needs.

      I revealed I was stunned, feeling uncomfortable as if kicked to the curb.  I needed time last week to process what I was told a week and a half ago.  My voice was calm.  

      I was gracious when the face across the table was contorted by anger, and I had peace of mind when judged by the person sitting in front of me.  I embraced multiple perspectives.  Including those, I did not agree with.
     Empathy does not mean agreement, and I simply saw her needs and feelings beneath the negative emotions and strong judgments. 

   No unloving stares came from me when disagreeing.  I was steady, standing up-on the rock of nonvio-lent communication. I was present.
   
      Clearly, I revealed my disap-pointment.  I clearly acknowledged my wrongdoings, asking for forgiveness.  I now know new areas where I need to grow. "An admission of error is a sign of strength rather than weakness."

     What allowed me to operate from the strength of my character?   Drawing power from principles, not feelings.  Emotions are tenuous, fragile, and transitory.

      Often they are the result of how much or little sleep I've gotten or whether I had pizza the night before.

     A guiding prin-ciple that motivated me tonight was a de-sire to understand as well as to be under-stood. This required listening from strength, not fear, compliance, or code-pendency.  Another principle was resting with the discomfort I felt.

     Emotional maturity allows us to respond, not react.  Our reactive self did not overwhelm recovery wrought from eleven years of hard work on my personal growth, serenity, and sanity.

       The results were I was free from the tentacles of codependency.  I knew peace and calmness, even amid tonight's emotional storm.
 I weathered it, find-ing the ship of my life in the harbor of a relationship that is now deeper, more intimate, and fulfil-ling. 

      Often, we have to go through dis-comfort before we can enjoy a deep, authentic relation-ship that is present, conscious, and aware.

       I have a strong sense of my worth and what I bring to a relation-ship.  At Starbucks, I spoke to relate, not to control the person I was with.  Manipulating the outcome was not my focus.  

       Connection, transparency, and being vulnerable were.  

       My equanimity allowed me to rest, hearing what she said.  The Little Pablo did not surface, reacting from the cesspool of his insecurities.  Instead, the present Pablo spoke about his feelings and needs.
      I confessed my failures, not dancing the dance of denial.  I admitted areas in my life needing improvement. The response was beyond amazing.

      A relationship ruptured, ended, rose from the ashes of hurt feelings, restored, and is now better than ever. All within four and a half hours of genuine, non-attacking conversation.

     Conscious and aware people look for others with whom they can relate in a way free from artifice and any need to control the relation-ship. Finding such a relationship is a rare pearl of great price.

     Am I glad for maturity born of hard work on my insecurities.  They have been transformed by a deep desire to connect with others inti-mately and authentically.  This is being present. 

    Thank God for transparency, removing my ego, and allowing me to speak from my strength in tonight's conversation while valuing the other person at the same time. 

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can relate. It's been my norm to "fight or flight" in moments of tension with people. I'm learning to rest in this uncomfort of being belittled, accused or judged. Then I have these thoughts; Who is projecting negativity? I'm not responsible for other's feelings and I have good intentions for others. 2 weeks ago I had and encounter with this women in line at the store. i clearly joined the line ahead of her by far. Then man in front of me had some issues and took a while. I could feel the impatience of her behind me without turning around by sounds of shuffling and sighs. I was up and paid for my few things in a timely manner. Almost done, I felt that she was well into my personal space(which for me is about 18-24 inches for me) as if she was pushing me. I noticed the checker taking notice to her as well. I turned for the first time and she gave me the death stare. Her eyes were green and bulging out at me. I was going to say can you give me some space please but didn't because her deadly green eyes set me into "fight or flight" and I froze. It takes me back to my childhood/teenager years. Through recovery, I'm grateful to realize that I had some significant trama in my early years. I use to minimize it because it's what other's did to me growing up. I was conditioned to just take it. The few times I would fight it would be ugly. The odd thing is, as an adult I can handle people's trama or drama but it's now taking it's toll on me and choose not to. MY VOICE spoken calmly reaps much healthier benefits for me physically, emotionally and mentally for me. Now, after snapping out of my unfrozen state from those deadly green eyes I softly said to her. "Is everything OK?" She replied "Hurry up!" I grabbed my stuff and calmly said "I was quick". When she passed in the parking lot she said "Your an #@*%#@". I went in my car, closed the door and smiled. I smiled because the old me would of been affect by that incident for 24-48hrs. I would of went through feeling of anger with negative self reflection. It's weird but I would have somehow found possibilities for her anger being my fault. I smiled because I had felt a true peace within my chest. This feeling felt light and the responsibility for that lady's feelings and actions were hers and left with her. I didn't take it with me on my car ride home. I'm not responsible for people's actions and feelings is a continued work in progress for me but making ground. I'm grateful for the tests and conditioning God gives to strengthen me and give me peace. --C.Breeze

Thumper said...

Hi Pablo,

I, too had a conversation with a love one that gave me the opportunity to be present, to say what I felt and needed. I did not worry about the outcome. I did not try to control what the other person was thinking or how he would react. I simply told him how I was really feeling. The outcome is not important, but my being real was. This person will have to deal with his feelings as I am not responsible for them. What a new concept and way of relating this is for me...

Pablo said...

Cool Breeze, I love your transparency. Your description took me, on the feeling level, to your recent experience with the green-eyed woman with the death stare.

I'm impressed with your new-found strength, standing up for yourself,and your dignity, when you were trained as a child not to.

I love your response to the negative comments of this woman. Her comments were not a statement about you. They were statement about her, and the toxicity that resides within her.

I hope you find emotionally healthy others, with whom you can connect. When we experience compassion and love from others, when we share our struggles, it strengthens us. It armors us for moments when we are attacked. Thank you, for sharing your story of resiliency and not taking things personally.

The Innkeeper

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.

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