Wednesday, September 2

The Innkeeper Was Prepared for the Moment, A New Pablo Was Born.... 9/2/15

       I got angry tonight.

       Amazing night.  Spoke my truth while visiting with someone at Star-bucks.  Innkeep-er's Update 9/17/15  I discov-ered last week a spy watched us, the
entire night.  Even while we continued our conversation for more than an hour in a van, after leaving the cafe. He reported my faulty running light to someone.  Meaning he continued spying on me after I got in my car and started it up.  

      What emerged was a Pablo that had been incubating for the past year.  Diligent, strenuous eleven+ years effort at overcoming the curse of being controlling gave birth to a better me when the moment arrived.

    Greater clarity about my values were expressed, on Marina Boulevard in San Leandro. My boldness was wedded with compassion and patience.  I rested in discomfort.  I was not triggered.  When buttons of mine were pushed, I felt them and calmly expressed what bothered me.

      A new Pablo was born. And did it feel good!

      My confidence tonight was not the result of personal strength.  It was in spite of personal weaknesses that were groomed into my character as a youth. I was groomed to be compliant, dependent upon others for approval. I was emotionally coerced as a child to tolerate unacceptable behavior. I had no choice. No way at nine could I rent a place of my own or provide for my welfare.

      Tonight I overcame codependency. I did not succumb to feelings of insecurity that were instilled into me as a youth. Nor did I allow blame, shame fear guilt or
judgment from another to sway me from dearly held needs of mine.  Recovery kicked in.  When I was uncomfortable with parts of the conversation, I mentioned what disturbed me, physically, mentally and emotionally.

      I was present.  I had no idea what the outcome of our conversation would be.  It didn't matter. All I cared about was experiencing what was alive between us. 

      I stood for needs that are central for the relationships I have: authenticity, reciprocity, integrity and celebrating life.  Calmly.  My eyes were steady as I mentioned what troubled me and issues that violated my feelings and needs.  I revealed I was stunned, feeling uncomfor-table as if I had been kicked to the curb.  I needed time last week to process what I was told a week and a half ago.

    My voice was calm.  I was gracious when the face across the table was contorted by anger and the words I heard were filled with judgment.  I embraced multiple perspectives.  Including ones I did not agree
with.  Empathy does not mean agreement. I simply saw what were the needs and feelings she had beneath the negative emotions and strong judgments. 

   No unloving stares came from me when I disagreed.  I was steady, standing upon the rock of nonviolent commun-ication and being present.  Clearly, I revealed my disap-pointment.  I just as clearly acknowledg-ed my wrong doings, asking for forgive-ness.  I now know new areas where I need to grow. "An admission of error is a sign of strength, rather than weakness."

     What allowed me to operate from the strength of my character?   Drawing strength from principles, not feelings.  Emotions are tenuous, fragile and transitory.  Often they are the result of how much or little sleep I've gotten, or whether I had pizza the night before. (Being in a bad mood because of heartburn. This is an example. Innkeeper Note:  I have never had heartburn.)

     A guiding prin-ciple that motivated me tonight was a de-sire to understand as well as to be under-stood. This required listening from strength, not fear, compliance or code-pendency.  Another  principle was resting with the discomfort I felt.  Emotional maturity allowed me to respond, not react. My reactive self did not overwhelm recovery wrought from eleven years of hard work on my personal growth, serenity and sanity..

       The results were I was free from the tentacles of codependency. I knew peace and calmness, even in the midst of tonight's emotional storm.
 I weathered it, finding the ship of my life in the harbor of a relationship that is now deeper, more intimate and fulfil-ling. Often, we have to go through dis-comfort before we can enjoy a deep, authentic relation-ship that is present, conscious and aware.

       I have a strong sense of my worth and what I bring to a relation-ship. At Starbucks, I spoke to relate, not to control the person I was with.  Manipulating the outcome was not my focus.  Connection, transparency and being vulnerable was.  My equanimity allowed me to rest, hearing what she said.  The Little Pablo did not surface, reacting from the cesspool of his insecurities.  Instead, the present Pablo spoke about his feelings and needs.

      I confessed my failures, not dancing the dance of denial. I admitted areas in my life needing improvement. The response was beyond amazing.  A relationship ruptured, ended and rose from the ashes of hurt feelings, was restored, and is now better than ever. All within four and a half hours of genuine, non-attacking conversation.

     Conscious and aware people look for others with whom they can relate in a way that is free from artifice and any need to control the relationship. Finding such a relationship is rare pearl of great price.

     Am I glad for maturity born of hard work on my insecurities. They have been transformed by a deep desire to connect with others intimately and authentically. This is being present. Thank God for transparency, removing my ego and allowing me speak from my strength in tonight's conversation while valuing the other person at the same time. 


Anonymous said...

I can relate. It's been my norm to "fight or flight" in moments of tension with people. I'm learning to rest in this uncomfort of being belittled, accused or judged. Then I have these thoughts; Who is projecting negativity? I'm not responsible for other's feelings and I have good intentions for others. 2 weeks ago I had and encounter with this women in line at the store. i clearly joined the line ahead of her by far. Then man in front of me had some issues and took a while. I could feel the impatience of her behind me without turning around by sounds of shuffling and sighs. I was up and paid for my few things in a timely manner. Almost done, I felt that she was well into my personal space(which for me is about 18-24 inches for me) as if she was pushing me. I noticed the checker taking notice to her as well. I turned for the first time and she gave me the death stare. Her eyes were green and bulging out at me. I was going to say can you give me some space please but didn't because her deadly green eyes set me into "fight or flight" and I froze. It takes me back to my childhood/teenager years. Through recovery, I'm grateful to realize that I had some significant trama in my early years. I use to minimize it because it's what other's did to me growing up. I was conditioned to just take it. The few times I would fight it would be ugly. The odd thing is, as an adult I can handle people's trama or drama but it's now taking it's toll on me and choose not to. MY VOICE spoken calmly reaps much healthier benefits for me physically, emotionally and mentally for me. Now, after snapping out of my unfrozen state from those deadly green eyes I softly said to her. "Is everything OK?" She replied "Hurry up!" I grabbed my stuff and calmly said "I was quick". When she passed in the parking lot she said "Your an #@*%#@". I went in my car, closed the door and smiled. I smiled because the old me would of been affect by that incident for 24-48hrs. I would of went through feeling of anger with negative self reflection. It's weird but I would have somehow found possibilities for her anger being my fault. I smiled because I had felt a true peace within my chest. This feeling felt light and the responsibility for that lady's feelings and actions were hers and left with her. I didn't take it with me on my car ride home. I'm not responsible for people's actions and feelings is a continued work in progress for me but making ground. I'm grateful for the tests and conditioning God gives to strengthen me and give me peace. --C.Breeze

Thumper said...

Hi Pablo,

I, too had a conversation with a love one that gave me the opportunity to be present, to say what I felt and needed. I did not worry about the outcome. I did not try to control what the other person was thinking or how he would react. I simply told him how I was really feeling. The outcome is not important, but my being real was. This person will have to deal with his feelings as I am not responsible for them. What a new concept and way of relating this is for me...

Pablo said...

Cool Breeze, I love your transparency. Your description took me, on the feeling level, to your recent experience with the green-eyed woman with the death stare.

I'm impressed with your new-found strength, standing up for yourself,and your dignity, when you were trained as a child not to.

I love your response to the negative comments of this woman. Her comments were not a statement about you. They were statement about her, and the toxicity that resides within her.

I hope you find emotionally healthy others, with whom you can connect. When we experience compassion and love from others, when we share our struggles, it strengthens us. It armors us for moments when we are attacked. Thank you, for sharing your story of resiliency and not taking things personally.

The Innkeeper

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.