The Innkeeper Was Prepared for the Moment, A New Pablo Was Born.... 9/2/15

       I got angry tonight.

       Amazing night.  Spoke my truth while visiting with someone at Star-bucks. 

      What emerged was a Pablo that had been incubating for the past year.  Diligent, strenuous eleven+ years effort at overcoming the curse of controlling gave birth to a better me when the moment arrived.

    Greater clarity about my values was expressed on Marina Boulevard in San Le-andro.  My boldness was wedded with compassion and pa-tience.  I rested in discomfort.

    I was not trig-gered.  When my buttons were pushed, I felt them and calmly ex-pressed what bothered me.  A new Pablo was born.

    And did it feel good!

      My confidence tonight was not the result of personal strength, despite personal weaknesses that were groomed into my character as a youth. I was taught to be compliant, dependent upon others for approval.

       I was emotion-ally coerced as a child to tolerate unacceptable behavior. I had no choice and no way I could rent a place of my own or provide for my welfare at nine.

      Tonight I overcame codependency. I did not succumb to feelings of insecurity that were instilled into me as a youth. Nor did I allow blame, shame, fear, guilt, or judgment from another to sway me from dearly

held needs of mine.

      Recovery kicked in.  When I was un-comfortable with parts of the conver-sation, I mentioned what disturbed me physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I was present.  

      I had no idea what the outcome of our conversation would be.  It didn't matter.  All I cared about was experiencing what was alive between us. 

      I stood for needs central to my relationships: authenticity, reciprocity, integrity, and cele-brating life.  Calmly.  As I said, what troubled me, my eyes were steady, and the issues violating my feelings and needs.

      I revealed I was stunned, feeling uncomfortable as if kicked to the curb.  I needed time last week to process what I was told a week and a half ago.  My voice was calm.  

      I was gracious when the face across the table was contorted by anger, and I had peace of mind when judged by the person sitting in front of me.  I embraced multiple perspectives.  Including those, I did not agree with.

     Empathy does not mean agreement, and I simply saw her needs and feelings beneath the negative emotions and strong judgments. 

   No unloving stares came from me when disagreeing.  I was steady, standing up-on the rock of nonvio-lent communication. I was present.
   
      Clearly, I revealed my disap-pointment.  I clearly acknowledged my wrongdoings, asking for forgiveness.  I now know new areas where I need to grow. "An admission of error is a sign of strength rather than weakness."

     What allowed me to operate from the strength of my character?   Drawing power from principles, not feelings.  Emotions are tenuous, fragile, and transitory.

      Often they are the result of how much or little sleep I've gotten or whether I had pizza the night before.

     A guiding prin-ciple that motivated me tonight was a de-sire to understand as well as to be under-stood. This required listening from strength, not fear, compliance, or code-pendency.  Another principle was resting with the discomfort I felt.

     Emotional maturity allows us to respond, not react.  Our reactive self did not overwhelm recovery wrought from eleven years of hard work on my personal growth, serenity, and sanity.

       The results were I was free from the tentacles of codependency.  I knew peace and calmness, even amid tonight's emotional storm.

 I weathered it, find-ing the ship of my life in the harbor of a relationship that is now deeper, more intimate, and fulfil-ling. 

      Often, we have to go through dis-comfort before we can enjoy a deep, authentic relation-ship that is present, conscious, and aware.

       I have a strong sense of my worth and what I bring to a relation-ship.  At Starbucks, I spoke to relate, not to control the person I was with.  Manipulating the outcome was not my focus.  

       Connection, transparency, and being vulnerable were.  

       My equanimity allowed me to rest, hearing what she said.  The Little Pablo did not surface, reacting from the cesspool of his insecurities.  Instead, the present Pablo spoke about his feelings and needs.

      I confessed my failures, not dancing the dance of denial.  I admitted areas in my life needing improvement. The response was beyond amazing.

      A relationship ruptured, ended, rose from the ashes of hurt feelings, restored, and is now better than ever. All within four and a half hours of genuine, non-attacking conversation.

     Conscious and aware people look for others with whom they can relate in a way free from artifice and any need to control the relation-ship. Finding such a relationship is a rare pearl of great price.

     Am I glad for maturity born of hard work on my insecurities.  They have been transformed by a deep desire to connect with others inti-mately and authentically.  This is being present. 

    Thank God for transparency, removing my ego, and allowing me to speak from my strength in tonight's conversation while valuing the other person at the same time.