Elated, disappointed and growing characterologically are what I am experiencing, right now, all at once. I embrace multiple feelings. This is the stuff of emotional maturity. Difficulties do not distract me from lovely skyscapes above, when walking, doing errands or driving. I am delivered from frantic thoughts that can rob me from life's
treasures, both big and small.
I take in the wildflowers along the road when I drive. When walking in the city, I notice them sprouting from sidewalk cracks. I drink in the laughter of an infant in the arms of a mother sitting near by, when using the local train system, BART. Life and its joy intoxicates me in those beautiful small moments that are easily overlooked.
*****
Exhausted, too, I am. Relationships are becoming richer, more deeply textured. This is happening because my life is richer, and my mind is at peace. I am free from reacting, becoming comfortable with discomfort. I respond and not react to sources that once created drama when I was a lad.
My friendships are soul satisfying, filled with transparency, authenticity and tremendous, life-giving, not ephemeral joy. Compas-sion abounds. Discernment helps me avoid emotional black holes, those that suck all energy from my soul. This happens when not applying boundaries or living by principles that help navigate life's dangers.
Yet, a challenge approaches. A terrific outcome is my hope. In the meantime, I remain present. I don't let "what ifs," fears and assump-tions distract me from enjoying this very moment and the gifts that are mine today: equanimity, peace of mind, tranquility, community, emotional safety, closeness and loving myself.
Uncertainty and discomfort are welcomed friends. I do not insult the complexities of life by looking at it in terms of black and white thinking---seeing everything as good or bad, right or wrong. I pick out burs of goodness embedded even in the ugliest blankets Life tosses my way.
For several years---eleven, since being a part of Al-Anon Family Groups---no longer am I triggered by awkward,anxious moments. I am comfortable, not stressed when the outcome is unknown. There are clouds to ride, stars to explore and mountains to climb as I move beyond controlling outcomes. I enjoy being present.
I embrace what is, discovering my role within it. The world does not revolve around me. I adapt to it. I listen carefully to what God is saying to me through the orchestration of events. It's that simple. Certainty is sameness and death. I am less sure, more myself, and life is richer than I ever dreamed.
Gratitudes:
1. I am loved by many. I am thankful for the compassion I experience from close friends when I am vulnerable, expressing feelings and wants.
2. I am freed from the curse of relying upon my wits. I experience my feelings and wants.
3. I am having a visitor tomorrow. I can't wait.
4. I cleaned my house tonight. I am luxuriating in cleanliness and order.
5. I am going out Saturday night. It feels great, decompressing, after a rough week.
How About You?
What are three things that you are grateful for?
I am tired. I'll re-work this tomorrow. See you then.
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1 comment:
Hello Pablo,
"I remain present. I don't let "what ifs," fears and assumptions from this very moment and the gifts that are mine today: equanimity, peace of mind, tranquility, community, emotion safety and closeness."
Wow! What great wisdom. This rang true for me this morning. This morning I listened to myself in "real time," and I enjoyed what was revealed. Being in student-mode is sane living. You're so right. This right now is being offered, so we enjoy it. Our catastrophizing may be here now, too, but it isn't true, just like our false beliefs that helped us survive from our childhood, but don't work anymore. Our catastrophizing, fears, etc. are like thick, opaque clouds floating by. Being present is like the open space in the sky.
What I observed is that when I listen to my inner voice, it feels much better than controlling or trying to dictate the moment. Thank you, Pablo. Have a great time this evening.
-CK :)
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