Three Things That Prevent Healthy Relationships, Revisited........ ...................8/19/15

Scotland: "Loch Linhe and Loch Eil from Ben Nevis"
By Tim Blessed.  Copyrighted photo, used by permission. 

Innkeeper's Note:                 I have been out of action, recovering from a broken wrist, suffered three weeks ago.  It is still swol-len.  My fingers are tingly. Not enough blood is flowing to them because of
the damaged wrist. 
    
    I wrote this nearly a year ago, last September. It is worth a second read. Sharing this with you gives my right hand and arm a rest. I'd love hearing your gratitudes.  I'll add mine later today.   

   Right now, I have a migraine and need rest.  See you tomorrow.   Here's the post: 
   
Where Do We Find the Safe People We Need in Order to Thrive?

     When we are hurt by relationships, it isn't chance.  Usually the common denominator in our unhealthy connections is ourselves.  Ouch.  It is easy blaming others.  Of course, there is nothing wrong with us----so we think. 

     Often, we do not see what prevents us from evaluating others properly: our character issues.  Most poor relationships are our fault.  Yes, ours.  What are some causes?  For things to improve, we want to learn what causes bad choices when relating. 

  We need to guard our hearts with all diligence for from it flows the issues of life.                                                                        Proverbs 4:23

1.  Lacking Discernment

    One factor for the destructive people in our lives is lack of character discernment.  As children, most of us were not instructed as to who are emotion-ally healthy and who are detrimental to our welfare. 

    We are drawn to people for the wrong reason, for external rea-sons---outward success, material attainments, looks---nothing characterological.  This is a formula for disaster.

     Relationships are character driven.  Is the person kind, patient, when wronged?   Does the person have compassion, do they listen to us talk?  These are character issues that make a person safe.

     Or, when something is amiss, does the person care more about the issue than the relationship?  When s/he talks, do we become an audience of one, they talk at length, and we are not included? These are the marks of an unsafe person, someone we want to steer clear of. 

2.  We Don't Know How to Connect

     We are isolative.  We don't know how to be intimate.  Intimacy is not sex.  Often, it is the farthest thing from it.  Tenderness is trifled, reciprocity is not a reality.

      Being intimate is revealing our fears, with a safe person.  Those we relate with---who are safe---will not judge, ridicule, blame or use shame when we interact, sharing our vulnerabilities.  Nor will they use them against us.

     "Bob" is a fellow I know.  He worked in the health care field, as a nurse.  Tragedy took place, someone died under his care.  He revealed this misfortune to a friend. 

      Unfortunately, whenever his friend did something wrong, in their relationship, and Bob tried addressing it, the friend would bring up that Bob "killed" a patient.  He told Bob that he could never say anything negative to him, because Bob killed someone.  That was worse than any misdeed this friend did.  Such a relationship is entirely unsafe.

      What was shared in vulnerability by Bob was used as an ice pick to stab him. Safe friends don't judge us. They support us with compassion, instead. 

3.  Fear of Abandonment

       Often a person is in unhealthy relationship. Boundaries, or detaching, is in order.  It doesn't happen.  Why?  Fear of being alone cause the individual to cave in.  Sad.  This reveals why a supportive community is needed. It provides strength and emotional object constancy that allows us to take steps that can be emotionally depleting as we slip away from a toxic relationship.

      Frequently, when we do not keep good company it is a case of preferring to stay in an unhealthy relationship than having no relationship at all.  What motivates us to do that?  Low self-esteem.  We can do better. We get what we tolerate. We train people how to treat us, be it for good or ill.

How About You? 
Please share the qualities of intimacy you enjoy with a dear friend.
      May you have a great and grateful day.  I know I will!
               Pablo