Tuesday, September 22

Getting Real When Relating................ 9/22/15

        Have a small emotional bladder.

        For the past six months, this is what I have suggested to clients. We don't want to hang on to mistreatment from
others.  Not dealing with what troubles us causes resentment to build.

         So does our inauthenticity. The list of negative issues grow in a troubled, inauthentic relationship.  We may smile during tough times with that person.

         But our expression is insincere.  Our friendly front belies tension. The stress of unfinished business lingers within.
"Be angry. But in your anger do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger."                                                      Ephesians, 4:26.

    "Be angry."  In the passage above, in the original Greek, these words are in the im-perative mode.  It is a command.  

      Often we are fear-ful for being seen for who we are.  What is the quality of a marriage, if it lacks authenticity?  What type of respect do we gain if we are not ourselves?

        Our job may be jeopardized if we are honest.  Is money more valuable than honesty?  Our society does not support relating:
We have been conditioned to measure our worth by how much people like us, how much we get done, or how much power and control we have.                                                              Susan Campbell, Getting Real, 73
      We don't let oth-ers know who we are.  Instead, we play it safe.  We project an image. We don't disagree. Rocking the boat, we do not do. And for God's sake, we are not vulnerable.

        It creates an empty life. One full of vacuous relationships.  No depth of con-nection. Conscious and aware people look for others who are conscious and aware.  They are the one with whom they connect at the soulish level.

        Any other type of relationship is a meal of potato chips and soda.  Compare this to the rich banquet of a friendship that offers authenticity.  It has emotional safety, com-passion.

         A genuine relationship offers honesty and celebration of life.  Control is not at the center of the relationship.  Connecting is the focus.

        Trusting ourselves in moments of uncertainty and ambiguity is required.

        Surfing difficulties in life and relationships is better than control-ing them.  We let others know what is alive within us.  In that moment.

         This is doubly true when we are buffeted by negative circumstanc-es.  Being authentic is getting real, when we are in the thick of a conflict, saying what we feel and want.

         (Getting real is also a comforting balm when we are happy in a relationship.  It lets others know what we enjoy in the relationship.  Appreciating others, expressing it transparently, strengthens our con-nection and closeness with them.)

         If, however, people cannot accept who we are---our opinions and feelings---we want to bless them.  And send them on their way.  God's gift for us, they aren't.

        We want to put a value on what is rather than on what's comfort-able.  Today, I imagined someone was controling me.  He was worried what I was going to say to someone.  I resented his comment.  I told him so.

        It wasn't his job to censor me.  At least it appeared he was.  That was my judgment.  Who did he think he was?  I got angry, keeping my emotional bladder small.  I released what bothered me.

          The following principles help me:
Connecting with a person is exchanging all the truth, information, or energy available in the moment.  It is a vital skill because it increases our capacity for dealing with situations that are paradoxical, ambig-uous, or confusing.... Relating begins from an atti-tude of not knowing and stays open to perceiving changes and new possibilities as they unfold. 
In contrast, controlling is an attempt to maintain the illusion that you know how things should be and mak-ing things happen as you want them to.  
 Most people are so caught up in their self-image and in their image of how things should be that they are not able to be objective.  They do not know them-selves well---even those who have done years of work on themselves.  So when you think you're right and you know how things should be, your 'knowing' may be based on a limited, biased view of reality. 
 It is most likely based on an agenda to stay comfort-able, safe, or in control.   Getting, 79
           After expressing my resentment, the fellow said, "I'll talk with you later."  He hung up.


           Perhaps he'll reconsider his comment.  When I see him next, I will not be distracted by an unrelieved emotional bladder.  It will not be pent-up with the tension of unfinished business.

           Unexpressed resentment I do not carry.  I express it as it surfaces.

           Feelings were shared during the phone call.  What I imagined, I revealed.  The sun did not go down on my anger.  Bitterness about the incident does not fill my soul.  I dealt with what troubled me.

           And because of that I have an Attitude of Gratitude.


Thumper said...

Hi Pablo,

I am so happy that you are addressing the issue of unexpressed feelings of resentment. It makes sense that we should deal with them in the moment so that we do not let our anger build. It makes for better and authentic relating with others. I am currently attempting to do this in small doses so that I can build up to the moments when dealing with the extremely difficult people in my life.

Anonymous said...

Dear Innkeeper,

I enjoyed reading this post on expressing feelings.This is something very foreign to me as I have great difficulty in this area of my life.I'm grateful to my counselor who is working with me to help me work on reducing my 'Hot Air Balloon Sized Emotional Bladder' down to a much more smaller one!

Jane G. Yorkshire

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