Went through a storm. Of emotions. The past two weeks and this evening. Two different events. Same result.
"The prudent man sees a danger and withdraws. The simple continues on and suffers for it." Proverbs 27:12.
Am I learning prudence to a stronger, newer degree?? Yes. Yet, this conflicts with believing in the best in others. When I trust another person I give the benefit of the doubt. Prudence is a challenge when I
expect the best of motives from others. I trust until I don't. My attitude changes when I realize the other person is unsafe or lacks boundaries. Or the individual is codependent---he does not take care of himself. This person lets others use him, at the expense of his dignity and desires.
When that happens our relationship changes. My clients hear me tell them: "Your desire to get better has to be stronger than my desire to help." I cannot push another person along in their progress. I wouldn't want to. That's futility. The motivation for growth is not coming from within that person.
Nor is it my desire to waste time. Or their money, if they are a client.
When I develop a friendship, the same is true. But different. Their desire to take care of themselves has to be stronger than my desire to support. It is a relationship breaker. This standard---a golden standard, which cannot be violated.
Relationships that weary me, I have had. I don't need another. A person without boundaries lacks sense. They "see a danger," and move forward, towards it, anyway. The emotional state of another is more important than their well-being.
This is setting themselves up for abuse. Mistreatment is guaran-teed. Relating with a boundaryless person means pressure on taking my cape out of retirement. It is no longer in my blood---because of recovery---to rescue others who don't care about themselves.
I am powerless over people's martyr complexes. If the individual doesn't want to live life fully, I can't stop him/her. It isn't my job to persuade anyone to do otherwise. Taking care of oneself has to come from within. It's a result of applying principles above emotions and the manipulative pressure of others.
It's a result of standing true to our values and personal power, not caving in to the pressure of others.
Discernment is necessary if we are to enjoy emotional safety. Lately, I lacked discernment. I lacked my usual quota of prudence. Was I mislead. I feel foolish. I am using another tool of recovery to move forward. Forgiving myself. And the other person.
1. For forgiveness. Towards myself. I am not responsible for the behavior of others. Especially those who let me down. Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book, The Four Agreements makes it clear not to take anything another person does personally. (His second agreement.)
2. For caring, patient, listening ears that are available, when I need them. I am receiving this support---a lot.
One of the benefits of having emotionally healthy friends.
3. Encouragement. Yesterday, I presented myself before others. I was nervous. Uncomfortable. I moseyed over to someone who cares for me.
I told her how I felt. She said, "Pablo, no matter what you do, you are going to look fine." She actually used another positive word. That took pressure off of me. It's wonderful doing what it takes tending to my needs.
4. I appreciate being vulnerable. Living without walls. Letting others know the unguarded me. It feels good.
5. Met with friends Wednesday night. At a burger joint. Drama took place. A customer argued with those who worked there and with customers. He yelled. I calmly got up from my table.
I went outside and called police. I reported the abuse he hurled at everyone. Soon enough, a police woman came by taking my report. The unpleasant person had fled. Not before I copied his license plate number. The Alameda police are searching for him.
A friend I was with froze. Wrong response. That may a good enough response for a four year old. She isn't that young.
Not an appropriate response for an adult. As adults. we learn to not accept unacceptable behavior. I am happy I was able to self-express when the crisis occurred.
How About You?
What are your three gratitudes for today?
expect the best of motives from others. I trust until I don't. My attitude changes when I realize the other person is unsafe or lacks boundaries. Or the individual is codependent---he does not take care of himself. This person lets others use him, at the expense of his dignity and desires.
When that happens our relationship changes. My clients hear me tell them: "Your desire to get better has to be stronger than my desire to help." I cannot push another person along in their progress. I wouldn't want to. That's futility. The motivation for growth is not coming from within that person.
Nor is it my desire to waste time. Or their money, if they are a client.
When I develop a friendship, the same is true. But different. Their desire to take care of themselves has to be stronger than my desire to support. It is a relationship breaker. This standard---a golden standard, which cannot be violated.
Relationships that weary me, I have had. I don't need another. A person without boundaries lacks sense. They "see a danger," and move forward, towards it, anyway. The emotional state of another is more important than their well-being.
This is setting themselves up for abuse. Mistreatment is guaran-teed. Relating with a boundaryless person means pressure on taking my cape out of retirement. It is no longer in my blood---because of recovery---to rescue others who don't care about themselves.
I am powerless over people's martyr complexes. If the individual doesn't want to live life fully, I can't stop him/her. It isn't my job to persuade anyone to do otherwise. Taking care of oneself has to come from within. It's a result of applying principles above emotions and the manipulative pressure of others.
It's a result of standing true to our values and personal power, not caving in to the pressure of others.
Discernment is necessary if we are to enjoy emotional safety. Lately, I lacked discernment. I lacked my usual quota of prudence. Was I mislead. I feel foolish. I am using another tool of recovery to move forward. Forgiving myself. And the other person.
Gratitudes:"Forgiveness is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt."
1. For forgiveness. Towards myself. I am not responsible for the behavior of others. Especially those who let me down. Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book, The Four Agreements makes it clear not to take anything another person does personally. (His second agreement.)
2. For caring, patient, listening ears that are available, when I need them. I am receiving this support---a lot.
One of the benefits of having emotionally healthy friends.
3. Encouragement. Yesterday, I presented myself before others. I was nervous. Uncomfortable. I moseyed over to someone who cares for me.
I told her how I felt. She said, "Pablo, no matter what you do, you are going to look fine." She actually used another positive word. That took pressure off of me. It's wonderful doing what it takes tending to my needs.
4. I appreciate being vulnerable. Living without walls. Letting others know the unguarded me. It feels good.
5. Met with friends Wednesday night. At a burger joint. Drama took place. A customer argued with those who worked there and with customers. He yelled. I calmly got up from my table.
I went outside and called police. I reported the abuse he hurled at everyone. Soon enough, a police woman came by taking my report. The unpleasant person had fled. Not before I copied his license plate number. The Alameda police are searching for him.
A friend I was with froze. Wrong response. That may a good enough response for a four year old. She isn't that young.
Not an appropriate response for an adult. As adults. we learn to not accept unacceptable behavior. I am happy I was able to self-express when the crisis occurred.
How About You?
What are your three gratitudes for today?
Posts
2 comments:
Hi Pablo,
Here are my gratitudes.
1. For a wonderful walk in the beautiful hills with a dear friend who listened.
2. For being confirmed and reminded that I am valuable.
3. For the lovely bouquet of flowers given to me by my loving husband!
Pablo!
Thank you for your post. I too showed emotional resiliency at
the same meeting. I could intuit the real core issue with this
person, and it brought me equanimity. Really listening to the other
person's core without being distracted with topical issues is powerful
stuff.
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage the things I can change.
But we must learn to see others where they are at. It's a process.
Life is not an accomplishment, but a humble
understanding, peace.
I need to see others struggles, neuroses with tenderness and seeing the innocence of
who they truly are, even though they cannot see how caught in the
overlays they can be some times.
Father, forgive us for we know not what we do. Amen.
Sincerely,
-CK
Post a Comment