Getting Beyond What Triggers Us.................... 11/3/15

Image: "Cumbria: Hindscarth from High Spy"  By Tim
Blessed.  Copyrighted photo.  Used by permission. 

Authentic Relationships

     Have conflicts before committing to another person.

1.  Don't avoid conflicts.
  a.  Conflicts reveals our vulnerabilities, the buttons that
set us off.
  b.  They allow us to get real with the other person.
2.  Acknowledge what is troubling you.
  a. This is presence. We are not letting our mental chatter---fear of rejection or judgment prevent us from presenting our values and feelings.
  b.  Communicating our feelings and the needs beneath them helps others know the true us.
  c.  This is being authentic.  We are not a chameleon, adapting to what we think others want, but a fraud, not genuinely representing ourselves.
3.  Problems don't disappear if ignored.
  a. They develop a life of their own, if left unattended. What type of relationship is it, if we cannot be honest?
4.  Being authentic creates depth in the relationship. It creates closeness and intimacy.
5.  Relationships grow when we become comfortable with discomfort---awkward moments.
  a. This is emotional resiliency.

      I someone. We were together for hours. Tough, but good.

      Long time spent, but lovely. My time with this person reminded me of the points listed above.

      Honesty, compas-sion reigned.  Intima-cy, connection and integrity marked our time.  Growth happened.

      Buttons were pushed, but they were discussed and dealt with.  We know the routine when a couple falls in love.  Profuse are the profess-sions.

      The couple glow over the unique relationship they share. Kindness radiates between them. Usually, at this stage, they commit to each other.

      Sounds good, doesn't it?  It isn't.  It is best, for a couple to have power struggles first.

      Troubling times are not bad.  Conflict allow us to address vulnerabilities.  We mention what disturbs us.

       We reveal the buttons we have, it is a time of discovery.  When differences are healthily processed, communication deepens.  The relationship draws closer. .

    Key is not reacting. 

    Problems surface when genuinely relating. It is best acknowledging what is alive within when diffi-culties appear. Nothing gets healed when ignored. Over-looked issues devel-op a life of their own.

      Denial causes the problem to grow.  Resentment develops.  It's best addressing the needs beneath negative feelings.

      Addressing the shadowy parts within us vital for having a healthy relationship. This is intimacy.  It is risking being ridiculed or judged.

       Being our authentic selves creates depth and richness that inane conversations and superficial romance cannot provide.

      It is best not wanting the other person to change.  It is better seeing the moment as an opportunity to develop consciously.  We communi-cate what we want, this is a chance for character growth.

      We are emotion-ally stronger when we heal the wounded child within us.

      With the growing confidence recovery offers, we feel what we feel and want, letting the other individual know.This provides clarity in the relationship while we also assert our autonomy.  Saying what we want and feel is one characteristic of an adult.

       Adults can differ with others.  Only children can't when it comes to safety and judgment. 

       Communicating our differences is moving beyond resentment and passivity.  We are feeling what we want and being true to our emotions.

       We are standing in our power, recovery and integrity.  We are overcoming our fearful or controlling nature.  We discover outcomes by negotiating when there is a conflict, instead of manipulating them.

       We are living with integrity, true to our values, even when others may see things differently.  We are assertive, not voiceless children, sheepishly surrendering our values.

      We are winning the Grand Prix.  
   

    Processing pain that exists with anoth-er person, is us evolv-ing.  We no longer amputate our relation-ship with others when there a conflict.  The problem isn't always them.

     It's often us.

     We want to clean our side of the street.  Even if we feel we are ten percent wrong, we clean our part.  We do not worry about others doing the same.

     With recovery, when in conflict, the slogan, "Let It Begin With Me" allows us to focus on our part and not worry about the contribution of others.  This sounds frustrating, I know.  But forgiveness frees us from the corrosive toxicity of bitterness.

  "Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt."  Courage to Change, p. 178

      We only hurt ourselves when we are vengeful.

      Often, when having differences, the Hunchback of Notre Dame---our insecure, judgmental self--- surfaces, creating discord.  This awk-ward part of us can easily frighten or alienate those relating with us.
     

       We want to work through troubling times, moving beyond the narrow sense of who we are.  We stop blaming.  Sometimes this requires outside help.  Not being defensive leads us to transformational growth.

       That happened during today's visit.  Stunned, I was.  This person's maturity and humility---drew us closer.  Working through a struggle---a button that triggers us---made healing possible.  Our intimacy increased, intensified.

        Processing conflict draws us closer. The deepening relationship is the harvest when we toil under the sun of  honesty, compassion and transparency.

       With today's friend, we said things that were awkward.  We took risks.  Our relationship grew, I value this person more.

       It is through discomfort that we grow closer.

       When transcend-ing power struggles, something happens.  We become a "we system," interde-pendent.  This requires maturity.  At times it is pain-ful. The passion of infatuation is not enough.

      Paradoxically, operating from the strength of revealing our vulnerabilities---being comfortable with discomfort--- deepens our connec-tion with others. Relationships evolve, becoming stronger, more authentic.  Compassion and empathy are its hallmarks.

       The fruit of being transparent with each other is enjoying presence with each other.

       Commitment before working through the "power struggle" stage is premature.  It is infatuation. This is leaves without roots, form without substance.
      

      Working through painful feelings is hard.  But the har-vest of doing so is a depth of relating not found any other way.

       Living in today's society, we need emotional resiliency.  We want relationships that nurture.  We want to process our differences, compasssionately.

       In doing so we create supportive, stronger relationships.  More importantly it adds joy and fulfillment that will be beyond our wildest dreams.