A Lifechanging Month ............... 4/27/23

    I have no idea what I'll write, a common theme when contrib-uting a new post in this inn of thanks.  I'd love to hear from you.  Many of you are Silent Readers. 

    You drop by, taking in the of-ferings of this inn of gratitude. I imagine your attendance informs me you enjoy this positive place in cyberspace. This posting is the 1,470th 

    That number surprises me,

Doing Backflips 5/21/21

         I had dramatic times since the last time visiting with you, guests to this inn. 

         One experience took place after being genuine with someone wanting my

The Healing Power of Patience and Awareness............ 3/19/21

    Being patient towards ourselves. 

    An ongoing process, but, boy, it calms us down.  We are being gentle towards both the good parts of us and the areas where we want to grow. 

   It helps to be lenient to-wards our mistakes.  Instead of condemning ourselves, we possess greater peace of mind.

Condemning my imperfections has never en-hanced my appreciation of life or helped me to love myself more.   Courage to Change, p.19

    Accepting ourselves, including our vulnerabilities, reveals emotional maturity, the result of recovery.   No matter how much we try, we will never grow beyond being human beings. 

An Overview of Thanks, Creating a Better Today...... 2/28/21

 

    In Roman times, February was originally the last month of the year.  For us, February 2020 was the last month of life as we once knew it.  In March 2020, we entered the era of Covid19.  

    This month is upon us once again.  We have greater hope this year.  We see prog-

The Source for Peace of Mind During Life's Storms............ 1/31/21

     Today, I rested. 

      Was it needed.  So many things hap-pening that I must make time to look out for my inter-ests. That includes peace of mind, ease,

Overcoming a Ghost From the Past, Revisited 01/22/21

         An unwelcomed visitor dropped by on a sweltering sum-mer day.  He star-tled me, making my heart feel like it does when sprinting up a hill.  

        It was a long time since his last visit.  He was an un-wanted visitor I hid from as a child, when he dropped by.  His presence awakened, once again, a sick, empty feeling in my stomach.  At least, initially.

Improving Our Lives: Having Presence, Overcoming Fear 11/30/20

      We can develop our patience.  Even if we already have plenty.  Patience improves when leaning into the negative circumstances we face. 

      This is being present.  We become situational surfers. No matter what circumstantial waves

Using Boundaries: Not Accepting Unacceptable Behavior........... 3/17/20

     Recently, I asserted the need for acceptable behavior when relating with a boorish individual, one who constantly criticized, put down others and judged. 
 
     I relate with pleasant people, those who are compassionate, patient and focus on cleaning their side of the street, not the porch of

A Big Day...... 3/13/20

   Thank you, for crossing the threshold of this inn, joining me on this special occasion, celebrating a milestone the next few days.

    It is a big day today.  This is the ninth birthday of this inn of praise.  My, what has transpired since this place of gratitude opened it's doors.

    Visitors from around the world have warmed the rooms of this inn.  The tally in the top

The Feedback Formula.......... 5/25/19

      I want to share a helpful tool, one taught to clients, the Feedback  Formu-la.  When someone troubles us, it helps expressing our feel-ings and needs.   This formula lets others know our response if the problem persists.

       I learned this tool from Susan Campbell, author and psychologist.

She mentored me weekly for six  months, a few years ago.

     An overview of the formula: 

"When you do __X, (what-ever behavior)__, I feel _Y (state your emotions)_.  If you continue to do _X   (the behavior)_, I will do _Z_(the consequences)_." 

        It is all about the Zs, the consequences.

  A Specific Example: 

     Let's say someone bothers me by frequently interrupting.
     

 "I notice I am unable to finish my sentences when we talk."

        That's X, the behavior. 

       "When you do that, I am irritated, annoyed." 

        That's Y, the feelings.

        "If you continue to talk over me when we have a conversation...."

         That's X, the behavior mentioned once again in this formula.

         I finish my comment by saying,

          "We will need to put a bookmark in our conversation until it has the balance, fairness and reciprocity it deserves." 

         That's the Z in this formula, the consequences.
       

       There's no judgment, blame, shame, guilt or fear involved when using this approach.

        We are not using life alienating communication.  We are simply giving feedback, what is going on inside of us.  In this example, we reveal our response to the disturbing behavior---being interrupted.

        Also, just as vital, we express what we will do if the vexing behav-ior continues.

        As is the case with developing any skill, practice is essential.  Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.  Like learning a tune on a piano, doing regular practice produces progress.  We im-prove.

        It is critical to self-express.

       Like what they sing about in the Hokey Pokey, that is what the Feedback Formula is all about---saying what is alive, what is going within us.  When communicating transparently, we are authentic.  We are relating.

       This is the opposite of being controlling.

     The Feedback Formula Prevents Manipulation

      No one likes be-ing controlled, having outcomes manipulated. 

      We want to re-veal what happens within us when we encounter interac-tions that do not meet our needs. Some of these needs are emotional safety, closeness and appre-ciation.  In the exam-ple above, I address my need for fairness, respect, a balanced conversation.  I re-veal my  need to be heard, not cut off, when having a con-versation.

       This exercise reduces our frustrations.  We are saying what we want.  We are feeling what we want, when are needs are not being met.

       We are insisting on what we need.  In the example above, it is having a conversation that is balanced, where I can speak without the other person constantly interrupting.  When we reveal what is going on inside of us, to safe people, the relationship thrives.

       The Feedback Formula removes manipulation, managing out-comes.  It creates authenticity, critical for relationships to grow and mature.

     

      To not feel our emotions, or our wants is being controlling.  Think about that.  Usually, we avoid conflict, we comply.  We do not let others know what is alive within us.

       We believe we will create a stink if we stand up for what we believe.  We fear the anger or disapproval of others.

      Complying with others is not letting others know the real us that lives beneath the people-pleasing us.  With authenti-city, genuine bonding takes place.   Our relationships are satisfying.

      We want others to know us for who we genuinely are.  When that happens, bonding takes place at the highest level.  It is soul-satisfying.

     With true bond-ing, we encounter strength and grace.  Life is invigorating. We internalize these character qualities we don't have on our own.

       Healing happens.

        Using the Feedback For-mula life is more fulfilling, less frus-trating. We are living life on life's terms. We are un-caged from pleas-ing others at the expense of not being our true selves.

       The wings of our authentic self unfurl.

       Life is wonder-ful, we enjoy a presence of mind that honors our wants and feelings.  It allows us to soar to heights in rela-tionships we have never known before.

***********

   

      If you want to know other areas where we can experience personal growth---like today's example---let me know in your comments below.  Thanks!

A Look At Bullies 9/15/18

     Good afternoon.

     I'm leaving the next set in our series of posters. I'm pre-senting this gallery in alphabetical or-der.  I'm hoping to stay in touch with you as I submit images once used to

The Strength and Authenticity We Have When We Move Beyond Codependency........................... 1/31/18

     I'm thankful for peace of mind.

     It happens when relating with healthy people.  Calmness and sanity is ours when avoiding those who are unsafe.

     I was reminded of this second point at a restaurant. I witnessed a toxic parent.  He was in his thir-ties.

     The emotional violence he demonstrated raised the hackles on the back of my neck.  His comments had my heart pound, like it hasn't, in years. Dark emotions from long ago revisited me, awakening the little Pablo who lives inside me.  

The Benefits of Authenticity Revisited............. 1/26/18

      A long while ago, I wrote about authenticity, versus being controlling.  I'll say more, tonight.  Control patterns arise whenever we are fearful about being:

The Miracle Gro Value of Using Boundaries....... 12/4/17

Boundaries: A Source for Sanity

         There are times when we are with a controlling person.

          That presents a problem.  It in-trudes upon our need for autonomy.  Being the gratitude guy, a diffi-cult relationship is seen as an opportunity to adhere to prin-ciples.

         Time with those who cramp our style is like practicing a tennis stroke by hitting a ball against a wall.  We have opportunities to exer-cise boundaries related to their behavior.  It helps us maintain sereni-ty, sanity, and dignity----just barely.

        If not careful, our equilibrium could be thrown off.  Creating distance with an un-safe person can be wonderful, providing the balance needed.
          Bound-aries are not for others to adhere to.  They are for us to adhere to. They are sanity savers, joy producers.  They provide the dignity we need.

        Often, we relate with with boundaryless people.

        Chaos is the measure of their lives.  Their lack of preparation does not make their crises our emergencies.   (See here, too.)  Even when they desperately wants us to rescue them.  Exercising boundaries  with those who lack them, maintains our sanity.

       Relating with boundaryless people pours Miracle Gro on our recovery---forcing us to tightly adhere to boundaries.  We are not loving when we rescue others from the natural conse-quences of their behavior or lack of initiative.

         Is there some-one or a situation that teeters your totter?  Could an in-dividual dump you into the morass of frustration?  How do you handle tough times?

          We want to be mindful of a quote posted months ago.  You can read this post here.  This article is especially encouraging when finding ourselves in difficult circumstances.  The following inspires me when confronting challenges:

We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed.  For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a per-sonal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one's predicament into a human achievement.

When we are no longer able to change a situation---just think of an incurable disease such as in-operable cancer---we are chal-lenged to change ourselves.                                       Viktor Frankl

***

         Many good things happened this week. Even though it has been a time rife with tension.  Filled also with deep, negative emotions.  With-in the past seven days, the following gratitudes emerged.

Gratitudes:
1. Receiving practical support this week.

     It was beyond my wildest dreams. Those in my supportive network emboldened me with their encouragement and wisdom.
2. Love from many gave us a strength we won't have if we go it alone.

      The compassion, empathy, fellowship and sensitivity I've experienced gave hope during a most difficult season. It has been one of the most difficult times in my life.

      I was stunned by the outpouring of affection received.  It gave a bounce to my step that was missing earlier this month.

     Loved ones and friends, visited.   Phone calls and acts of loving service ministered to my well-being in ways beyond imagining.  Their loving concern buoyed my spirit.
3. I'm adding new dimensions at work.  I am participating in my growth.  Good for me!  I'm thankful for opportunities that expand my creativity and resourcefulness.
4.  I have a business mentor.  His help has been like a steady lighthouse, guiding me in directions that were once foggy and unclear. .

Calmness In the Eye of the Emotional Storm Part VI......... 10/28/17

Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us
 for better things. Image: "Countryside: Across theVal-
ley" by Tim Blessed.  Copyrighted photo. Used by permission. .

       It's great being in touch with our emotions, and not  perseverating  when stressed. Be-ing agitated never helps.  How can we be mentally clear, when panicking?

        Having equili-brium, drawing from God's strength and basking in His love and that of good friends is preferred.  It's an amazing gift when this is our reaction during turbulent times.  Knowing peace, when we are swirling in the eye of a circumstantial storm helps us maintain our focus.

        Serenity is an amazing gift.  It happens when we apply healthy principles above the vulnerable parts of our personality.  Peace of mind is ours when we have the habit of leaning on God.  We trust his strength.

   

        Fullness is ours when we are connected with emotion-ally safe friends.  These options are better than the inadequate coping methods our younger selves used when immersed in life's drama.

        With recovery, isolating, anger, resentment, bitterness and self-loathing no longer reign over us.  No longer are they our default mode, when experiencing life's drama or disappointment. Using heal-thy, constructive alternatives, putting one foot in front of the other, is more effective.

       Often, it is better to not think.  Just do.   If we don't live by recov-ery principles, our nature is to analyze too much.  This is trying to control the uncontrollable and futility.

       Retiring the cape, we know ease, emotional safety.  Our joy in-creases.  We no longer carry the weight of the world.  It's not our job to deal with every crisis, to solve every problem.

       Peace now transcends our circumstances.  We know tranquility because we are gentle towards ourselves.  It's a result of moving away from isolating.  We allow our Balcony People to undergird us with their love.

       We are gentle towards ourselves.  When wrong, we treat ourselves with love and tenderness. For many of us, we did not experience it as children.

       Especially when we erred. Back then, it was the end of the world for our parents.  We were punished.  Mercy was nonexistent.

        There is hope for our past.  Recovery allows us to create new legacies. We replace ineffective methods that were used when we lived in our family of origin.  We learn to love ourselves even when we goof.

        When we experience a sad, disappointing or frustrating moment in our lives we have two responses.  Tough times can be a monument to our past pain.  Or, by how we respond, it can reflect the healing, growth, and grace we know because of recovery.

        Sure, it may feel good----temporarily---being petulant.

        But, would we really want to trade that for the peace, joy, and harmony we feel, when we replace character defects with new and better alternatives?  We can be glad we're learning a better way to live.  Life now is not only about being at peace with others, and circumstances, but with ourselves.

How About You? 
What are your three gratitudes for today? I'd love hearing them.  Thanks!

Becoming Comfortable with Discomfort........ 9/14/17

        What does it mean to feel elated, frustrated, excited, and disappointed simultaneously?  That we are embracing emo-tional maturity.  With it,   dif-ficulties do not distract us from life's beauty. 

          When living by healthy principles---using recovery---crises do not shock us.  We do not dive into the greasy chute of despair created by our nega-tive thinking, and challenges no longer distract us from the good surrounding us at all times.

         Recovery teaches us the value of connecting with healthy others. When we are internally referented and grounded with God, our nega-tive outlook becomes positive. As we do, our emotional fortitude develops. 

        As we work on our character, we establish our "Must-Haves" and "Can't-Stands."  It provides the oxygen necessary for our relationships to move in a wholesome direction. 

        As we cultivate clarity about our values, our sense of direction and confidence grows. 

         Recovery encourages us to link individual successes with every difficulty we face.  Over time, this practice of resourcing crowds out dread; confidence begins to replace fear. 

         Routinely exercising this practice of resourcing pro-motes strength of character during crises we never dreamed possible.  

         One of the fruits of recovery is stopping negative mental chatter from depriving us of the ongoing beauty life offers.  Being confident in ourselves and knowing freedom from the need to please, we delight in parts of life we once routinely ignored---like the beauty of skyscapes---the formation of clouds.  

         Recovery helps us develop the habit of having a grateful, joyous heart even when the roots of our emotions are shaken by stress or relat-ing to unpleasant people.  We can enjoy life even when rattled and processing problems.

         Ruminating and perseverating over our fears and anx-ieties become a thing of the past when internally referent-ing becomes our default mode.

         Embracing differing emotions means frantic thoughts no longer rent large spaces within the territory of our mind.  Life's difficulties do not rob us of delighting in life's treasures. Recovery principles prevent us from letting others define us or determine our moods.

        With recovery, we become comfortable with discomfort.

      Personal growth allows us to know ease when encounter-ing emotional distress. Our feel-ings function like the dial on an old fash-ioned radio. Living by healthy princi-ples, we tune out the static of negative thinking.

       We use the discipline recovery offers to overcome anxious thoughts and perseverating.

Worry is like a rocking chair.  It gives us something to do but it gets us nowhere.                                  Hope For Today, p. 98

        We dial in on the soothing music of the good surrounding us, even during tough times.  Like:

1.  The good, nurturing, upbeat, gracious, non-judgmental friends who support us.

2.  Beautiful patterns in the clouds.
3.  The scent of a freshly cut lawn.
4.  A simple gift we bought for ourselves that prevents us from having a spirit of poverty.
5.  The love, smiles received from family.
6.  Great, in-depth conversations filled with presence and authenticity.
7.  Turning off the computer or TV and curling up with a good book on        a cold day.
8.  Taking in the magnificence of outstanding music.

         We can choose.  We can tune into the frequency of fear or choose the mental bandwidth that provides solace and equanimity.

        Recovery returns us to the innocence of a two-year-old before becoming aware of life's complex nature.

        With emotional resiliency, we luxuriate in the beauty and peace we can soak in--right now--despite our circumstances.  Past and pre-sent scars no longer distract us from enjoying the best that each day offers.

       With personal growth, flowers along country roads can be taken in because mental chatter no longer distracts us.  Once produced by the ugliness of life, mental dialog becomes replaced with a new and better quality: gratitude.  We. Slow. Down.  

      We enjoy the now, the present, relishing life's beauty.

      Savoring recovery, we become free from the mental stream of worry.  Walking in the city becomes a soul-satisfying exercise.

      Wild-flowers sprouting from sidewalk cracks, once easily over-looked, can be appreciated.  Recovery frees us from the dis-traction that despair and fear create.

    Recovery helps us overcome distorted thinking that origin-ated in childhood.  When this happens, obsession no longer rules us.  Instead, we develop a greater appreciation for na-ture.  We replace unsatisfactory cop-ing patterns with new and better alternatives.

       We taste joy and strength we did not know existed when we do this.

      Living with the strength, confidence, and optimism personal growth offers, we no longer become distracted from life's beauty because of the grip of fear and apprehension.  Our perspective becomes balanced; we take in the excellent and satisfying parts of life along with its thorny issues, including emotional vampires. 

       Recovery slaps away the hands of anxiety.  With it, fear loses its grip on our soul.  Personal growth involves placing healthy principles above the vulnerable parts of our personality.

      When that happens, dread disappears. It is replaced with emotional vigor and love for life.  Recovery gives us new eyes and an open but discerning heart.
       Simple things once ignored get no-ticed.  New colors to life surface we never thought possible.  Life vibrates as never before when we have recovery.

       With presence, we drink in the riches life offers the laughter of a baby, the cooing of an infant pas-sing by in a stroller, a wildflower springing from a city sidewalk. 

       Smiles of others are appreciated because we no longer go through life mechanically, without feelings.  No longer do we go through life trying to please others we do not know, spending time and money we do not have in ways that do not nurture us.

       Life and joy intoxicate us when we live with recovery.  Mini spontaneous celebrations become a natural part of our daily routine.  Simple pleasures abound when we enjoy presence, free from worries and the need to control.  Spiritual regeneration takes place.
     

       Simple pleasures be-come ignored when we let the demands of life push these treasures from our consciousness.  The joy of life often disappears when we become captive to painful memories.

        Relationships can devel-op, rich, and textured.  When that happens, authentic con-nections heal emotional scars.  These deeper friendships occur when we become codependency-free.  

        Liberation from this disease creates authentic connections because we are present, not trapped by distorted thinking or the need to please others.

         We become healed when we weave recovery into the fabric of our lives.   Using discernment, we re-move the frayed threads of unsafe people who have attached to us.  Toxic relationships develop our distorted thinking, includ-ing negative self-judgments. 

        Healthy relationships help us unload false beliefs. They rid us of twisted think-ing that our defensiveness and fear load into the truck of our minds when we are inse-cure.

        When codependent thinking is replaced with boundaries, fears diminish when we spend time with others.  Banished is the need for approval, and we have confidence in our best efforts whether others agree or not. 

         We give ourselves credit, even if we don't receive vali-dation from others.

         Recovery builds our self-esteem and eliminates unnecessary self-judgment.  Accepting unacceptable behavior no longer becomes our default mode.  Freed from the baggage of trying to please others, our mind enjoys greater peace.

         We are happier.

         Recovery frees us from reacting.   Obsessive fear becomes replaced with calmness.  We surf the uncertainty entailed in any relation-ship.

        We become more comforta-ble with discomfort.

        We now respond, and there is less reaction when life's drama ap-pears.  Our friendships are enriching.

         Our healthy friends offer grace and truth.  These connections become a soothing balm from life's scratches.

         Compassion and the absence of judgment in our friendships make our supportive network a safe haven.  Discernment keeps us from engaging in black hole friendships that suck our energy.

        Applying boundaries are the key to creating a safe com-munity of friends.  Recovery helps us navigate away from the treacherous waters of unhealthy relationships.

        Living with healthy princi-ples, the result of recovery, we remain present when challenged in a relationship.  We don't let "what ifs," fears, and assump-tions distract us.  Equanimity, peace of mind are enjoyed.

        Because, again, we do not let others define us.

"When the applause of others is the reason for our behavior and necessary for us to feel satis-fied, then we have given them power over us." 

                                  Courage to Change, p. 9

        We do not let mental chatter rob us from getting the most out of life.

       We know the complexities of life require more than black and white thinking.  We learn to pick out the burs of goodness embed-ded even in the ugliest blankets Life may toss our way. With emo-tional maturity, uncertainty and discomfort are wel-comed friends.  With it, we have enduring peace of mind. 

         With recovery, we are not triggered by awkward, anxious moments.  We become comfortable, not stres-sed when an outcome is unknown. We look forward to riding the clouds of life, exploring our personal stars, and climbing the moun-tains set before us as we move beyond insecurity and our controlling ways.

         Most of all, we enjoy being present.

        Recovery involves em-bracing what we encounter. We discover our role within life's circumstances.  The world does not revolve around us.

         We surf the waves life tosses our way.  We adapt to life's situa-tions.  We listen carefully to God and decipher what he is saying to us through the orchestration of events.

         It's that simple.

         As a result of personal growth, we see that certainty can be sameness and death.  Being stagnant creates an end to our character development, and it happens when we remain the same, not pushing ourselves to evolve for the better.

        We stagnate when we do not replace unfulfilling and ineffective habits with new and better behavior.  A safe person, however, con-stantly grows.
         

       With recovery, we learn to be less sure, more ourselves. When we are our au-thentic selves, we enjoy what life offers, including its chal-lenges.

         We have no need for control; our focus is on the com-mon welfare of everyone when fac-ing a problem.  We do not feel the need to protect ourselves against the vagaries of life.  When we reach this stage, we are present.

        And life becomes richer and more satisfying than we ever dreamed.

A Helpful Thermometer of People's Character 9/4/17

Now they are lemon flavored, not lime

   The other day I spoke with some-one.

    Not using discre-tion, and being unwise, I said something that made her feel awk-ward. (I bet you would like to know).  She stopped me.

     "I want to be

Gratitudes of Another Kind 8/29/17

    It is dismaying.

   The destruction and lives lost in Houston, Texas.  I am with you, I am alarmed and sad-dened with this part of the country devas-ted by Hurricane Harvey.  The Federal Emergency Management Agency says it will be

Resiliency Revisited.............. 8/20/17

    Thriving during difficult times.

     This is the stuff that emo-tional resiliency is made of.  It is not cowering to abusers.  It is the inner strength that pre-vents us from surrendering when the feet of our character is put to the hot coals of stress.

      Without recovery, this stress is usually self-induced, the result of our projections, judgments and interpretations of the behavior or others. 

      Resiliency is relating with difficult people and not being moved.  While such engaged, we maintain our confidence.  Our happiness is

The Value of Boundaries ....... 8/17/17

Gratitudes for Today:
1.  For boundaries.  They allow me to keep my sanity. Today, I told some-one I was annoyed by his assumptions about me.
    He told me he knew my motives.  He doesn't.  He has