One experience took place after being genuine with someone wanting my
perspective. She respected it. She had a date and recounted the event.I mentioned her actions appeared controlling. I said, "No one home, you were not home, when you had that date." Her mental chatter---her worries, anxieties, trying to assess his opinion of her prevented her from being present, really tuning in with him.
"It would have been better if you had stayed in the moment---aware of what going on at the time. The loudest voice within you, your feelings, is not necessarily the truest," I said.
She did not like what I said. She preempted any perceived or anticipated negative responses from me by ending our relationship. We've known each other for three years, getting together routinely.
Fancy that. I appreciate her response.
When the applause of others is the reason for my behavior and necessary for me to feel satisfied, I have given them power over me. Courage to Change, p. 9.
I do not need her applause, her approval. This fact prompted my honest reply. She did not like my honesty.
Her response validated my assessment of her controlling nature. One sign of being controlling is playing it safe in order to prevent an unwanted outcome. I'm guessing she wants to play it safe with me by avoiding whatever I might say next.
I'm guessing she got angry because I saw things differ-ently, was honest with her, and did not coddle her insecuri-ties. I did not tell her she was wrong. I simply did not agree with behavior while on her date. She had better options.
This woman reaction illustrates how others can use their anger, strong reactions, or sadness to manipulate or intimidate us, to change our opinions or values.
No such luck if someone tries that approach with me. It is best being internally referented.
We have more sanity and serenity when remembering who owns the re-sponsibility for the feelings of others. Our emotions belong to us, our property. We never want to take the blame when other try to make us respon-sible for their feelings.
Like an old commercial used to say about Alker Selzer, "Oh what a relief it is!" also when shedding the blame or judgments of others. When we do, we are standing in the power of recovery. We are moving away from the manipulation of others, away from codependency.
Reality is critical to embrace if we want serenity. As Maya Angelou said, "When a person shows you who they are [like the young lady in my recent experience] believe them the first time." This person's reaction to my comments helps me under-stand her character.
Last month, on Easter, she dropped off at my house Marigolds in a beautiful ceramic pot. She left a nice card, stating she valued my in-sights, how they helped her.
Just as well. If we cannot express our opinions, the relationship is not worth keeping. Authenticity is critical for any relationship to thrive.
We always want to place principles above personalities.
"If we feel responsible for other people's feelings, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right [and live by our principles], we will make decisions based on how others feel about our choices [or opin-ions]." Henry Cloud, Changes the Heal, p. 123.
"We can't determine how successfully we are living life by who is unhappy with us. If we feel responsi-ble for other people's displeasure, we are being controlled by others [their values, not ours.]" Changes, p. 123
What I Was Reminded
1. Hold friendships with an open hand. Trying to make a go of a rela-tionship is fraught with risks. What a person reveals with their behav-ior, accept as true.
2. A person's words are not as accurate a measure of a person's charact-er as their behavior. We may misunderstand what a person says. There is no misunderstanding of that person's actions.
What We Can Admit
1. It helps when we let people be who they are without being affected by their words or behav-ior. This is de-taching. (See the gratitudes in this link.) The word detach is a helpful acronym: Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her.
2. Recovery gives perspective. Recovery teaches us we have value simply for being who we are. We also learn if we have to walk on eggshells to relate with anyone, we want to bless those individ-uals and send them on their way.
They are not God's gift for us. Like the person who ended the rela-tionship I had with her.
The ones He brings our way will have our back. He gives them to us for free. We don't have to perform or always be right, to be accepted.
3. The following recovery principle helps us keep perspective:
"I block my own well-being each time I base my self-worth on what I do or what others think of me." Courage to Change, p. 118.
What We Can Do
1. Wipe off the dust from any unacceptable relationship and move forward. "A prudent man sees a danger and withdraws," an old proverb says. "The simple continue on and suffers for it," it concludes.
For healthy relationships, we want to exercise discernment.
1. My trust in my future has been upheld by the turn of events over the past few weeks. I am loving life. It is filling me with strength and joy.
2. Two Fridays ago this place crossed one million views by the guests of this inn. Wow. Thank you, for dropping by.
Have a fantastic Friday. I know I will.
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1 comment:
That was a very helpful article. I am learning to do backflips when people show me who they are, the first time, shedding my codependency ways. Thank your for your service!
Fisher of Men
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