Calmness In the Eye of the Storm, Part V.................. 12/4/13

       Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from 

     your own actions [and I would add, choices]. Dalai Lama 

        I relate with an unfriendly man.

       Happiness eludes him, often making this man an emotional vampire.   As a child, he endured abuse.  His face reflects the mask of pained anger. 

        It resembles what you observe in portraits of Beethoven.

        Both suffered as children of an alcoholic.  (See footnote for the source of Beethoven's anger.)  This unhappy person suffers from the malady that afflicted the composer.  He has tinnitus---constant ringing in his ears.

        It results from the persistent shrieking he encountered with his mother as a child.

        Over the past two years and four months, this person has transformed.  He's gone from mildly civil and occasionally nice to plain mean.  The other day he gave me a written command.

        I did not believe what I read.  I live in the United States.  Others do not tell me what I can or cannot do.  

   

       I thought I misunderstood him.  I hadn't.

        I let him know I would not com-ply.  He used classic Anglo-Saxon words.  My need for respect, tran-quility pummeled like a thug working over an unsuspecting person in a dark alley.  

       I could not believe my ears.  I spoke kindly.  I replied by detaching, emotionally.  While vomiting his obscenities, I said, "We'll talk when we can discuss this issue as adults."  

        The word detach forms an acronym used in recovery.  It is Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her

        It is not our job to please unpleasant people.  We don't need the applause of others to feel good about ourselves.  

"I block my own well-being each time I base my self-worth on what I do or what others think of me."                                 Courage to Change, p118

"When the applause of others becomes the reason for my behavior and necessary for me to feel satis-fied, I have given them power over me."                                                          Courage, p. 9

       I excused myself and left. 

       Emotional constancy---love received from our Balcony People helps tremendously.  It sustains us during trying times.  We lean on its support.

       Not caving in to emotion-al vampires maintains our equanimity.  Even when nasty verbal sewage spews forth from others.  Ninety-six percent of our population exists codependently when relating..  

      It involves surrendering our values because we fear the anger or rejection of another.

      This fellow's biting remarks typically hit their mark.  Ninety-six percent of the time, others tremble.  They cower when he rages.  

      Not so for me.

      For most others, encountering tension pushes their buttons.  The nature of codependents requires pleasing angry people.  Not necessary. 

     We are never responsible for the feelings of others.  Our feelings are our property and the feelings of others are theirs. 

     It makes matters worse if we submit to emotional tyrants.  We enable them.

      Better outcomes take place when emotional aikido.  When we do, we avoid bullish behavior.

         With recovery, we maintain our serenity when con-fronted with a stern face.

        The silent treat-ment can be ignored.  We see it for what it is: manipulation, an at-tempt at controlling us.  When we move beyond the dominance of others, we break free from codependency.  

       Recovery helps us to not automatically yield to angry, agitated others.  While caring about the disturbed other, we also attend to our needs.  We respect others, and equally respect our wants, too.

        Recovery prevents us from living on the margin of our lives.   We remain internally referented.  When relating with angry or dominating people, we stay in our power, being true to our values.

       We can stand for ourselves while standing with others.  We feel the enormity of our emotions.  But we are not overwhelmed by them.

       Recovery allows us to say our "no" gently as our yes.  We remain calm, not triggered by others.  We realize we are not responsi-ble for other people's emotions.

       It's nice knowing that the behavior of others is a statement about them, not us.  We can be glad we are not externally refer-ented.

My Gratitudes:

1.  I'm happy I thrive while suffering loss----loss of respect, dignity, and kindness from another, the emotional Beethoven in my life.

2.  I'm encouraged joy is not related to how others treat me.

Witnessing a Beautiful Scene
      I've been working with a woman for nine months. I knew she was elo-quent. She's quiet in social settings. The problem was she didn't believe in herself.

      Tonight, she spoke at a gathering. She did so impeccably.  I couldn't stop the tears that flowed as I watched her smile and talk about the growth she was enjoying.  I was so proud of her.

Serenity, Community, and Joy
Applying Healthy Principles When Relating With Others

       I was touched by a fantastic time.  I met with seven friends to-night. It was uplifting being with optimistic others. They apply practical recovery literature in their lives.

      The people gathered respect Al-Anon Family Group principles.  These guidelines have gone from being information to wisdom applied each day.  The knowledge has moved from the head to the heart.

       Each person who attended tonight is overcoming their vulnera-bilities, strengthening their character.

"We admitted that we are powerless over alcohol [in another], that our lives had become unmanageable."                                                  Step One

      Tonight was soothing. I nurtured myself.  I was at an Al-Anon Family Group meeting.  We discussed Step One.  It reminds us it is not our job to change others.

      We are powerless over alcohol's grip on loved ones.

       Boundaries are used to deal with bombastic or out-of-control personalities. We learn to take care of ourselves.  We handle the havoc alcoholism creates in our lives when asserting our values.

      We use creative ways to overcome tension.

      We learn how to deal with the rage of others.  We do not take on the shame of the alco-holic or that of anyone who troubles us.  The behavior of another is never a statement about us.

       This step has another perspective, too.  It's not our right to dissect others.  We don't judge those who trouble us.  Nor do we gossip about them. We do not violate their anonymity.

      That is not keeping the focus on ourselves.

       In recovery, we learn to not let others rent territory in the property of our minds. Their behavior or values are not our issues.

      We can substitute the word alcohol, in this step, with any other situation. We can admit our powerlessness over our fear, anxiety, depression, etc. The book Hope for Today, p. 164, in Al-Anon Family Group literature, says so.

      Like the rudeness of others.  Or our procrastinating tendencies.  Detaching kindly is often the helpful answer, especially in our relationships with difficult others.  

      If the issue involves ourselves, we do our best to apply healthy al-ternatives.  We turn our struggles over to God.  We rely upon Him for the results.

We entrust the growth or welfare of another to God.  We don't evaluate those who disturb us.  Even when we are certain they are wrong.  It is impor-tant to remember all judgments are never experienced.
  
        They are imagined.

       Compassion is way better. Our job is seeing what we can do to have the life we seek.  We keep the focus on ourselves.

     Our life can be dif-ficult.  If we don't detach from unpleas-ant behavior, Even for the Beethovenish guy mentioned above.or. Even for the Beethovenish guy mentioned above.

"Lord, when we are wrong, make us willing to change.  And when we are right, make us easy to live with."    Peter Marshall

How About You? 
What are your three gratitudes for today?  I'd love to hear them.  You contribute to our community when you post what makes you glad and upbeat.

Footnote: The Rest of the Story
    Beethoven's father was a minor musician, often staying out late at taverns and getting drunk. The young composer's father frequently trotted friends from the tavern to the home at two or three in the morning. Ludwig would be awakened, his parent demanding he perform for the guests.

     Play he would.  And how. If, however, the young boy made a single wrong note, he was tossed down the cellar stairs, locked inside for the night.

     Now you know this, and other abuse he received from a bombastic, narcissistic father---and the chaos he endured as a child----was cause for his serious mug.