Friday, December 27

Codependency 12/27/13

My Gratitudes for Friday: 

1.  I'm thankful for this year.  I've had many wonderful adventures and have met many kind and thoughtful people.  I love my life.   
2. I like having my mind challenged. No two days are the same.
3.  I appreciate that each day, each week, each month and each season, I grow. I am not the same person I was
4.  I enjoy the material I prepare for my times with clients and a book I'm writing.  Lately,  I've created material on having Safe People.  I share it with clients, they are using it to deepen their relationships with their closest friends.

A Sad Scene

       I am thankful for peace of mind, the result of relating with emotionally healthy people and avoiding those who are not.  Recently---at a restaurant---I witnessed a father's harshness towards his second daughter.  His verbal and physical cruelty was disturbing.  My heart went out to the three young daughters suffering from his loveless parenting.  The biting bitterness of his comments chewed into my serenity.  Nurturing, support and encouragement was totally absent, as he handled a strong-willed child.

       As I observed his behavior, I traveled through the time machine of painful youthful memories.  Shame was shoveled upon the middle daughter---who was around seven years old---simply because she had a mind of her own.  Sadness, fear and anxiety bubbled up to my consciousness as the scene unfolded.  The following quote raced within my mind:

“Furthermore, worrying about people and problems doesn't help. It doesn't solve problems, it doesn't help other people, and it doesn't help us.  It is wasted energy.” ― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others.  They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.” ― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More
      The codependency of  the wife and three girls was apparent----they did everything to please this anger-filled, impatient father.  My body tensed as I overheard shaming comments uttered to the middle daughter.  If he continues treating this middle daughter, the way he did that night, depression will be her  constant companion.

      When we are freed from codependency:
“I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.”    ― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go
       Observing this family----they were in the booth behind me----awakened unpleasant feelings from long ago.  I'm glad I no longer tolerate mistreatment, unacceptable behavior and am freed from codependency

       I am grateful for boundaries that let me know who is safe and who isn't.   Naivete has been replaced with common sense.  No longer are manipulators given free reign.  Now, I know I'm being nice when I let others know my boundaries, revealing who I  truly am.  When I'm authentic, expressing my voice and values, I'm happier.  Most of all, I have self-respect.  And when I have that, I also have an Attitude of Gratitude.

Related Post:
 A Detailed Overview of Codependency
Guarding Our Emotional Sobriety (Second half of this Link)

1 comment:

Carl H said...

Dear Innkeeper,

My belated Saturday gratitudes; I am grateful for...

1. Healing time yesterday with our second oldest, 29 year old son. He is ill and about to go into treatment, so quality time; coach-able moments with him are precious.

2. Seeing some positive behavioral changes in our third oldest son, as his older brothers sobering reality sinks in, causing him to become more serious about rebuilding his own life.

3. A beautiful time of sharing in monthly, pot-luck dinner fellowship with friends in healing last night; hearing three fabulous speakers, and catching up with some old friends. My wife and I even won three (3!) raffle prizes; unheard of!

4. Treating myself to a new laptop this morning at Best Buy (they opened at 7:00 AM today!) to replace my old one that died just before Christmas. May Ms. Ancient Sony, who served me well these past several years R.I.P!

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.